If You’re Dealing With A Narcissist, These 10 Little Moves Will Make Them Squirm
Tiny power plays that leave a narcissist scrambling.
bulatovic | Canva Though only 1 in 200 people in the United States are officially diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), they cause a lot of disruption and chaos in the lives of everyone around them. The best way to deal with a narcissist is to go "no contact."
That means you stop all communication with them, putting an end to the relationship between you and your narcissistic abuser. However, if you have decided that walking away is not an option and you want to turn the tables on the narcissist in your life, there are ways to make them pay for the way they have treated you.
What makes a narcissist panic? There are many things that narcissists fear. Most of them are tied to their inflated sense of self and the possibility of people seeing through it to discover who they really are. Narcissists hate losing the public persona they have spent their entire lifetime building. They can’t stomach public humiliation or blatant honesty that exposes their web of lies.
If you’re dealing with a narcissist, these ten moves will make them squirm:
1. Confront their lies
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A narcissist feels entitled to tell as many lies as they want to get their own selfish needs met. Telling the truth about them is a narcissistic injury that is certain to get their attention.
The biggest thing narcissists fear is that people will find out what lies beneath their confident exterior. Letting them know that you are aware of their insecurities and deep traumas is a guaranteed way to hurt them.
According to Dr. Dan Neuharth, a licensed marriage and family therapist, narcissists would admit, "The truth is whatever I say at the moment. I will change it whenever it suits me. I don't need to be consistent." Confronting this malleable relationship with truth directly challenges the narcissist's core operating system and forces them to face the reality they desperately work to construct.
2. Just say 'no' to the narcissist’s manipulation
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Narcissists have a burning need to control the lives of everyone around them. They use narcissistic traits like triangulation, gaslighting, lying, and playing the victim to keep a tight leash on you.
It’s important that you recognize how and when they are trying to control you and put your foot down. When you take notice of the manipulation, call it out right then and there to stop them in their tracks.
Experts emphasize that the word 'no' is a complete sentence and should not be followed by explanations or justifications. Explanations only provide them with ammunition to argue. Narcissists frequently distort reality to suit their narrative.
3. Publicly humiliate them
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If you live with a narcissist, you already know they don’t care about humiliating you in front of your friends, family, and peers. But if you decide to let the world know what they are really dealing with, the narcissist will suffer. Once a person with narcissistic personality disorder loses control of the image they’ve built, they are lost.
Some ways to embarrass a narcissist include recording them doing wrong, threatening them with court proceedings, posting about them on social media, or having private discussions with people they know.
According to Dr. Tarra Bates-Duford, a psychologist, when a person with NPD "feels they have lost control of their public image and are no longer 'seen' in a favorable or high regard, the lashing-out behavior begins." This demonstrates that public humiliation directly triggers one of the most severe emotional reactions narcissists can experience.
4. Take away their control
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A narcissist has to be in control of you. Making you feel bad about yourself or making you feel unworthy of respectful treatment is one of the many tricks they keep in their war chest.
A great way to get revenge on a narcissist is to simply take control of your own life. Earn your own income, have a separate social circle, and take care of yourself. They won’t know what to do now that you don’t need them.
For many victims, the safest and most effective strategy is to cut all communication. If impossible, the gray rock method of becoming as uninteresting and unreactive as possible is recommended.
5. Make the narcissist feel unworthy by criticizing them
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We all know that narcissists love to be the center of attention and adored by the masses. They do everything they can to avoid facing the awful truth about themselves.
If you criticize a narcissist, the feeling of failure will drive them over the edge. Don’t allow them to project their losses onto anyone but themselves. The feeling of not being good enough will be too much to bear.
According to Dr. Lisa Webb, one of the most telling signs of a narcissist is their inability to receive criticism. She explains that when narcissists are criticized, they "dismiss, negate, ignore, and minimize the concerns of others." This defensive response stems from a core narcissistic belief that accepting criticism or putting effort into personal growth would mean admitting they're not perfect.
6. Tell the narcissist they are getting old
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Narcissists place a high value on beauty and youth. A lot of them use vanity and appearance as a weapon. They are quick to point out the signs that you are aging or becoming less attractive.
Using their own superficial mindset against them can damage a narcissist’s ego permanently. Tell them when you notice wrinkles, gray hairs, or weight gain. It is a good way to shut them up momentarily while they lick their wounds.
Aging brings the awareness of mortality, an ultimate loss of control that narcissists fear profoundly. This can cause paranoia and an obsession with their legacy, one study explained.
7. Don’t reward their bad behavior with the attention they want
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Narcissists thrive on creating situations where everyone has no choice but to focus on them. They don’t mind negative and stressful circumstances. As a matter of fact, the more chaotic it is, the more alive they feel.
One way to make them rethink their approach when it comes to you is to stop having a reaction to any drama they start. Ignore any behavior that is detrimental and only respond when they are acting like a sane, logical person.
According to Dr. Melissa Kalt, a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert, narcissists are dependent on the attention and emotional reactions they need to regulate their self-esteem. Dr. Kalt explains that "narcissists cannot regulate their own emotions and self-esteem. They get these needs met by others in the form of narcissistic supply."
8. Control your own emotions
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It’s easy to get infuriated and meet a narcissist at their level of crazy. Before you know it, you will be wondering who the narcissist in your relationship actually is if you mirror their behavior.
Stay calm when under attack. They enjoy watching you squirm under pressure, and really love to see you upset and hurt because they feel powerful. Even if you are about to burst at the seams, control your own emotions and keep them guessing. The fact that the narcissist is no longer able to push your buttons will drive them crazy.
The trauma of narcissistic abuse can cause emotional dysregulation, making it difficult to maintain composure. Researchers recommend practices like grounding techniques, mindfulness, and regular self-care to help manage your own anxiety and emotional well-being.
9. Keep them guessing
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If you are like most human beings, you want someone to share the inner workings of yourself with. The narcissist is not the shoulder for you to lean on.
If you really want to get under their skin, think about what they expect from you and do the opposite. Say no to things you normally agree to. The sudden change in you will throw them off.
According to research and expert commentary, the idea of keeping narcissists guessing is a highly risky and ultimately damaging strategy for the person involved. While some suggest it can be used to keep a narcissist interested, most experts strongly advise against engaging in manipulative games of this nature.
10. Detach from their problems
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Though narcissists have trouble finding empathy for others, they expect you to be front and center when they go through something.
Not only are you dealing, unsupported, with your problems, but you are also shouldering their self-inflicted issues and providing emotional support daily.
You are not their psychiatrist. A relationship is "give and take," so if they are unsupportive of you, it’s time for you to take a step back and focus on yourself. Allow the narcissist to work through their own troubles.
If you truly feel the need to get back at a narcissist for all the pain they’ve put you through, these strategies will help, but beware of what comes next.
Narcissistic rage is a reaction unlike any you’ve experienced. When you set out to play tit for tat with a narcissist, you cannot win. The very best way to heal from narcissistic abuse is to just move on with your life.
NyRee Ausler is a writer from Seattle, Washington, and the author of seven books. She focuses on lifestyle and human interest stories that deliver informative and actionable guidance on interpersonal relationships, enlightenment, and self-discovery.
