12 Character Traits That Make Someone Really Hard To Be Around
These traits make people emotionally draining to be around.
Marcelo Chagas | Pexels In my practice, it is common for people to come in and complain about their spouse or significant other. It is more of a challenge to take a true inventory of your behavior and gain insight into how you might be contributing to the state of your relationship.
Certain character traits you might not be aware of can quickly drain your partner of all energy, make you hard to be around, and make resolving conflict only a distant possibility.
Here are 13 character traits that make someone hard to be around:
1. Unempathetic
When you can empathize, listen, and respond emotionally to your partner, you do not label your partner “needy” or another negative term because they are reaching out to you. You value your partner and give the special attention this person deserves.
Good partners turn toward each other (not away) when there is a “bid” for emotional connection. The results of a study on the impact of mindfulness on empathy, active listening, and perceived provisions of emotional support pointed to 'mindfulness as an important factor that influences cognitive-affective processes in supportive communication."
2. Unforgiving
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Do your best to avoid “gridlock” on issues and use problem-solving skills with your partner. But remember, good partners realize that some issues in a relationship are not solvable.
For example, personality characteristics you find irritating in your partner are not going to simply go away. But a good partner practices things like tolerance and negotiation when a problem arises.
3. Harsh
Issues in the relationship are a challenge to discuss for both sides of the problem when one person is being overly harsh. For the one whose behavior or words are being spotlighted, it can be emotionally charged from the start. Softening your start-up to difficult conversations can make the talk go smoother.
4. Argumentative
Your partner's role is crucial here because they might be less likely to accept influence from you when you come across as argumentative or pick fights all the time. The happiest marriages are when both partners accept each other's influence, as explored by a study of predictors of happiness in married couples.
This is usually accomplished by using “repair attempts” or language that brings down tension. Examples are saying “sorry,” or “I misunderstood,” using humor, etc.
5. Critical
These are renowned American psychologist Dr. John Gottman's key predictors of divorce: criticism, contempt (or belligerence), defensiveness, and stonewalling (refusal to talk). Anger is generally ok, as long as contempt/belligerence is absent. Women are more critical; men are more stonewalling.
Stonewalling is often an unsuccessful attempt to calm things down. Criticism during the conflict by women is frequently a reaction to unresponsive or irritable male partners.
6. Untrustworthy
You have each other’s backs and do not keep secrets. You also behave in ways that better your partner and the relationship (not just yourself). Good partners are also accessible and can be reached when needed and counted on.
"Don’t be afraid to be wrong," advised marriage educator Denise Wade. "It’s OK to be the first to apologize and admit when you’re wrong. This demonstrates two character traits that people find appealing: confidence and humility. It also models that it’s safe to be wrong, which is often difficult for the human ego."
7. Fault-finding
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Many things you find endearing when you first meet your partner can later become sources of frustration that you may start to nit-pick.
Life coach Stephanie Lazzara suggested how "You end up fighting against yourself trying to change who you are, or who they are, to try to change the reality of the relationship. You keep trying to fit them into what you need and want instead of being who you are right now and accepting what you need in a relationship and partner. Not everyone will be a good fit, despite the love, attraction, or desire. So, be open to your reality as it is, and find the freedom in being yourself."
8. Self-sabotaging
There is no need to be merged into one when you are in love. It is nice to miss your partner sometimes. Don’t let your insecurities sabotage this.
"If you notice you’re doing avoidant, self-sabotaging behavior, pause," advised psychologist Dr. Cortney Warren. "Notice your thoughts, feelings, and how you want to act before you do anything. Just sit with the experience without doing anything. Try not to act impulsively and explore why you’re sabotaging your relationship this way."
9. Uncaring
Are you concerned when your partner seems unhappy with you, or just blow it off and think that “it’s their problem?” This is an uncaring attitude to take and will certainly doom your relationship, as discussed in research on balancing the need to be yourself with the need to be identified as a couple.
10. Cold
A good partner can be demonstrative of their love by giving and receiving physical affection. A 2003 study on romantic physical affection types and relationship satisfaction provided evidence that "conflict was resolved more easily with increasing amounts of cuddling/holding, kissing on the lips, and hugging."
11. Unappreciative
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You may even think and feel you are grateful for your partner, but he/she is not a mind-reader! Be sure to express it in both actions and words, too.
"The key here is to make small gestures regularly that show you're paying attention, explained Terri Orbuch, PhD. "Do and say simple things often to make your partner feel noticed and cared for. When you do, you’ll notice a meaningful improvement in your relationship."
12. Disloyal
We live in a time that makes it so easy to divorce and find someone else, so relationships seem quite disposable. I assure you, there is nothing like having a long-term, bonding love with a partner you can always count on. Be a good partner yourself, and chances are you will attract someone into your life with the same values.
Dr. Marni Feuerman is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice, relationship expert, and author of Ghosted and Breadcrumbed: Stop Falling for Unavailable Men and Get Smart about Healthy Relationships.
