You Can Usually Tell How Unhappy Someone Is By 9 Ways They Get In Their Own Way
Mat Umar | Pexels Have you ever noticed that you self-sabotage your chances of happiness and success whenever you put yourself out there and go for what you really want: that guy, that opportunity, or the career you always wanted? No matter how much you want it, you might say self-sabotaging things to yourself like, “I am not good enough,” “I don’t deserve this,” or “He'll just leave me.”
Sadly, these signs of low self-esteem only perpetuate the problem because you're getting in your own way. When you don't believe in yourself deep down and don't feel good about yourself, you don't go for the things you want. Or if you do go for the things you want, you end up sabotaging them because you don't feel entitled to them.
As a result, you end up acting in ways that reinforce these negative beliefs: You may quit that dream job when the going gets tough, you may procrastinate instead of studying for the exam, or cheat on a partner who you think will cheat on you.
When you have low self-esteem, you give up on yourself by avoiding situations or running away to avoid feelings of failure or rejection. Engaging in this self-defeating behavior temporarily — key word: temporarily — relieves you of uncomfortable feelings, but it sabotages your long-term happiness in the process.
You can usually tell how unhappy someone is by how they get in their own way:
1. They think everyone's against them
Instead of locating these feelings of worthlessness within yourself and realizing that they are unfounded, you externalize them onto the world around you. You end up thinking that everyone else thinks you’re not good enough (boss, partner, family member, friend). You start to think life is too hard, and you give up because you do not believe in yourself or practice enough self-love to push forward.
2. They don't trust or back themselves
You do not trust yourself, so you do not make your own choices about the direction of your life. You make excuses, avoid taking responsibility, and live within your comfort zone. You choose the easy life and avoid communication with yourself about your feelings and wants because you don’t trust yourself, or you fear failure.
"Fear of change is normal: Your brain craves comfort, not uncertainty," clinical psychologist Dr. Patrick McElwaine cautioned. The instinct that keeps you avoiding your own choices is just your brain doing its job of choosing the known over the unknown.
3. Unhappy people go along with what other people think
You happily let others tell you what to do, so you can blame everyone else if your life falls apart. You do not have to take responsibility for yourself. You sit back and let others steer the direction of your life because you feel everyone else knows better than you, deferring to them rather than taking control of your own choices.
You think others know better about yourself and avoid thinking for yourself. By putting your life in the hands of others to take control of your life. You might trust your husband to control the finances, but he didn’t tell you he had a gambling habit.
You may even let abusive partners take control of you, thinking they know better than you. Only you can be in control of yourself and know yourself. You cannot expect others to make decisions regarding your life. If you put your life in the hands of others, you have no control over your life.
4. They let fear make their decisions
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You see the glass half empty instead of half full. Fundamentally, you do not feel good enough to have a strong conviction in yourself, so you back down and give up on yourself. You think to yourself, “I can’t do that… ” so you make excuses based on your self-limiting beliefs by finding a way out of self-sabotage.
"Try not to listen to your own bully. Do your very best to see what's good in you and hold on to it tight. Even when insecurities hit, and the bully is ranting away," advised psychologist, Dr. Sandra Cohen.
In the moment, giving up feels easier than facing the way you feel when you go for what you want. Somehow, you feel that you don’t deserve happiness, so you keep yourself below your real potential. You settle for a life that confirms the way you see yourself: unworthy and not good enough.
5. They want to be rescued
You may live in perpetual crisis, doing things at the last minute, to see how far you can push it or how much you can get away with. This pattern may cause you to end up relying on others to help you get out of hot water because you negated yourself for too long.
You may give up because you enjoy the feeling of being taken care of by having people constantly there for you to rescue you from yourself, so that you feel loved. You let others be responsible for you.
6. Unhappy people show up for everyone but themselves
Being independent and capable of caring for yourself feels like you’d be all alone, so you focus on others and are there for them, instead of focusing on yourself. You live everyone else’s life so that you don't have to live your own.
You feel bad about yourself when you are not focused on pleasing others, so you do what is right for them, not what is right for yourself. You end up going against yourself to avoid feeling abandoned. You save others at the expense of yourself.
You feel guilty or bad focusing on yourself or doing what is right for you, thinking others will abandon you. Somehow, you believe that putting yourself out there will cause you to feel worse about yourself. You think you will fail, get rejected, or you will get judged, so you often do things that compromise yourself or sacrifice your own needs to feel good or loved.
7. They turn to unhealthy ways of coping
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You don’t feel worthy of love or deserving of the things you want in life, so you do not put the effort into going for what you want. You do the opposite and work against yourself. You find a way out, an escape route, so your life goes nowhere. To avoid the emptiness of living an unfulfilled life, you end up looking for distractions or ways to get instant pleasure, so you can feel better rather than focus on yourself.
To cope with feeling unhappy within yourself, it can feel better to engage in self-destructive behavior, such as substance dependence and affairs, so that you don't have to face these feelings within yourself. If you feel rejected or not good enough, an enticing proposal from another person can make you feel good about yourself in the short term, until you end up sabotaging your marriage and family.
8. They seek vengeance to feel better
If you are angry at your boss for raising your work performance, it can feel better to get back at him/her by leaving your job, so you sabotage yourself. You feel rejected by your partner and seek vengeance by cheating on them.
You end up sabotaging your marriage and family to escape the feelings of loneliness. Releasing your anger might feel better in the moment, but it can work against you in the long run.
9. Unhappy people punish or berate themselves
You might not feel good enough inside, so you put up with abusive partners because you believe you don’t deserve better. You might blame yourself, find fault in yourself by punishing yourself, and beat yourself up by attacking yourself. Self-sabotaging protects you from feeling worthless, so you end up acting out the actual self-defeating behavior that reinstates this feeling.
As children, you can internalize that something is wrong with you or when caregivers let you down. We cope by pushing these feelings down into our unconscious, so we do not end up feeling this way until we act them out with self-defeating behavior.
You may not be aware that you feel not good enough until you act upon these feelings with self-sabotaging behavior that works against you. Instead of acknowledging how you feel, you end up escaping your feelings.
You need to sort these feelings out so they don't control you. These feelings do not represent the real person you are, so it is important not to live your life according to your past.
Nancy Carbone is an author, relationship therapist, and psychodynamic therapist. She specializes in the treatment of personality disorders and relational trauma and is accredited as a mental health social worker.
