Bride Excludes Bridesmaid From Bachelorette Trip To Disney Because She's Not Fit Enough To Walk The Park
How about she lets the bridesmaid make the decision about whether she's fit enough?
Johnce | Getty Images Signature | Canva Pro One of our biggest foibles as humans is when we do things because we think we're helping when, in fact, we're making a situation worse, or just as often, creating a problem where there wasn't one in the first place.
A bride on Reddit is a perfect case in point. She's in hot water after excluding one of her bridesmaids from her bachelorette trip, having made decisions about her fitness level without consulting her. The situation is a perfect example of how not to manage people's differing abilities.
The bride excluded her bridesmaid from her Disney bachelorette due to her weight.
In her Reddit post, the bride wrote that she's holding two bachelorette events: One in her hometown for dress fittings and a spa weekend, and the second a two-day trip to a Disney theme park.
Or at least there are two bachelorette events for three of the bridesmaids. The fourth, Ellie, wasn't invited to the Disney party, because "she's a big girl," in the bride's words, who weighs "upwards of 250 lbs."
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"This doesn't matter, she's gorgeous and I love her," the bride wrote, "but it does affect her ability to participate in anything with even moderate physical activity." For example, on a simple hike they did together, "I had to pretend that I needed a break because it was obvious she was struggling and I didn't want her to feel embarrassed."
She also worried that she wouldn't be able to fit on some of the rides and would be embarrassed by that, too. But rather than be honest, she made up an alternate explanation that left her friend offended and hurt.
She lied to the bridesmaid and told her she assumed she wouldn't be able to get the time off work.
"I invited all the bridesmaids except Ellie to Disney and said it was because we all know she has limited paid time off and I want to prioritize the day in town because it's more special to have us all be able to really spend time together," the bride wrote.
"I really, really don't want to be mean and exclude her but I also know what's going to happen if she comes," she went on to say. "We're going to feel bad and hang out with her [while she takes breaks] so she doesn't get left behind. Ellie would of course never ask us to wait for her or anything but that's what friends do."
Ellie still wanted to come and even offered to take unpaid time off to join them at Disney. So the bride made up another lie, that they'd already booked everything and couldn't change it. When Ellie offered to make her own arrangements, the bride finally told her the real reason she wasn't invited.
"I don't want her to feel embarrassed or unwelcome, but her weight makes it hard for her to enjoy herself and it brings the mood down," the bride said. "I support her existing in any shape or size, but some shapes and sizes make activities a lot harder." But as you can guess, that was not much comfort to Ellie, who was angry and hurt by the conversation.
The bride may have meant well, but her approach was manipulative and inappropriate.
It's frustrating when someone makes their problems your problems and kills the vibe, assuming that's what actually happens with Ellie (because it's just as plausible that this bride is simply fatphobic or judgmental and making a lot of assumptions because of it).
Be that as it may, the hard truth is this: The bride didn't actually do any of this to spare Ellie's feelings; she did it to spare her own. She did it so that SHE wouldn't feel bad if Ellie felt bad, and she did it as a means of trying to control Ellie's choices, actions, and emotions.
That is one of the definitions of codependency, for starters. It's also deeply manipulative and selfish, and while it doesn't seem like this woman actually intended harm, intent doesn't erase the pretty cruel impact.
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This is a delicate situation, but it's a lot simpler than this bride thinks: She can simply let Ellie decide for herself. Here's an example. I have a friend who is a very large woman who wanted to accompany some of our group on a hiking trip to Utah. We leveled with her about what to expect, and she agreed that we'd all "hike our own hike" as the saying goes. Sometimes that meant a truncated trek for her, and other times it meant blowing it off entirely to hang out in town. Whatever! A great time was had by all, and it was fine!
Similarly, I have a friend who is disabled and needs to take lots of breaks when walking or being on her feet. Sometimes it's a matter of taking breaks and catching up with us later; sometimes it's a matter of bowing out entirely. But as a social butterfly, what matters to her most is being invited and included. The rest she manages for herself as she needs to.
The point in both cases is that THEY are making the calls for themselves, not being excluded because we tried to "help" by making those choices for them and taking on their emotional management as our burden.
Other people's bodies and fitness levels are nobody's concern but their own, and people who are fat, disabled, elderly, or otherwise do not need to be managed and have decisions made for them. The impulse to do so is about your own insecurities and pathology, not theirs. Hopefully, this bride can understand this, make amends, and salvage the friendship.
John Sundholm is a writer, editor, and video personality with 20 years of experience in media and entertainment. He covers culture, mental health, and human interest topics.
