The Art Of Self-Confidence: 5 Simple Habits Of Naturally Self-Confident People
Truly confident people have a presence about them that speaks for itself.
Yuri_Arcurs | Canva The one thing that holds you back from speaking up with confidence is your worrying, lack of confidence, and self-doubt. Confident people speak up and offer their ideas and opinions in ways that show respect for others and themselves. But if they're worried, they don't seem to show it. They present a sense of security about who they are in the world.
However, if you frequently feel worried and anxious, you have the tendency to hide your great ideas, thoughts, and opinions. Have you noticed yourself holding back? Even if you have a myriad of great ideas, nuanced feelings, and a lot of education, when you're constantly worrying about one thing or another, all of that great stuff remains, well, stuffed inside. So what can you do when you find yourself in this cycle, so you understand your worry and bring your unique, self-confident voice back?
Here are 5 simple habits of naturally self-confident people:
1. They recognize their worry triggers
Your body does this wonderful thing when you worry. It feels it. Learn the sensation of your worry in your body so well that when it happens, you are ready to treat it properly rather than just allowing it to take over your mind. After you can discern your worried body response, take a moment to notice if certain situations typically evoke this response.
Our friend in the first example noticed that all meetings with her boss were possible trigger times. What types of scenarios present triggers for you? See if you can connect the dots between your worry and your environment. The next time you find yourself in that setting, you will be prepared to offer special care to parts that worry.
Certain types of thinking may also be a good indicator that your worry has taken over. For example, when I catch myself making comparisons with others and losing motivation, I know I need to pay some attention to the parts of me that worry.
If you want to take it a step further, see if you can discern whether your worried feeling is connected to a childhood experience or experiences. Does your worry feel familiar? Do you feel young when you feel this worry?
Check inside your mind’s eye. Perhaps this worry has been around for a very long time.
2. They consider that their worries are not trying to hurt them
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In fact, it may actually be a useful sensation. When you worry a lot, it is easy to develop a fear and loathing of the feeling. Granted, the sensation of worry in the body is not typically "fun." However, if you can breathe and notice it without judgment, you will see that it offers some benefits.
First, worry can feel very much like excitement or anticipation. If you breathe and stay with the sensation, you may be able to use it in this way. Second, when you harness worry in a non-adversarial way, you can use it to help you stay sharp and present. Next time you need to speak up in a meeting, ask your worry to be present just enough to keep you on topic. It is amazing what that energy can do.
Finally, when you focus on the sensation of worry in your body (the part of you that holds worry), you can get information to help you feel better. For example, if your worry says that you are too young or naive to speak up, you may discover that it is actually an old notion from your childhood.
In this case, take a minute to breathe and remind yourself of your life as an adult. Parts of your personality can feel trapped in a younger version of yourself. Let these child-like feelings (parts) know that you (an adult) are there to run a meeting or have a conversation.
By understanding that worry is not a sign of personal weakness, you can respond to anxious thoughts with kindness instead of harsh criticism. Self-compassion is a powerful antidote to anxiety and an important step in building self-esteem, one study concluded.
3. They own it when they're unsure
This advice may sound counterintuitive, but hear me out. When you speak for a part of you that feels worried, it does several things for you and those around you. Since you have named that, a "part" of you that feels worried, insecure, fearful, apprehensive, and so on, the part immediately calms. If you don’t believe me, try it.
You can also mention that other parts of you know what you think or feel. In this way, you reveal to yourself and those around you that other parts of you are clear and confident.
This benefit is great because you remind yourself that you also feel strong and self-assured, while those in the room see that too. You have suddenly become a whole person in the room. This allows others to do the same if they like and can instill mutual respect and confidence.
Owning your concerns requires acknowledging them and accepting them as part of your current self, rather than fighting them or ignoring them. A 2023 study explained that this process builds self-awareness and promotes acceptance, which in turn facilitates behaviors that align with your authentic self.
4. They appreciate other people's input without diminishing their own
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This is a quick technique that interrupts negative comparisons and social insecurity. Take a moment to acknowledge what you appreciate about the people around you.
This may be internal or out loud, but people often are happy to hear it. In this way, you open yourself to be part of the group that is conversing rather than setting yourself outside or beneath them.
When you do this, everyone becomes your peer, and your respect for the group as a whole builds. The possibility for you to speak up is much higher when you feel equally valuable. And others can feel this positive energy from you.
When you successfully use active listening and validation to connect with someone, it provides a positive reinforcement loop. One study suggested that this strengthens your belief in your own ability to engage in effective communication, which further boosts your confidence.
5. They evolve internally as their confidence grows
This is an often-forgotten but very important step when it comes to building confidence. When you have a positive interaction in which you feel confident to speak up, or when you can ask your worries to step aside so you can express your own thoughts and opinions, take the time to make sure that this information is received by all of you.
Breathe in and thank your worry for helping with your energy and focus without taking over. Breathe and remind parts of you that feel young and insecure that you are indeed a confident adult.
Thank yourself for being present even when it was hard for you. When you have experienced a lifetime of worry, it is important to take every opportunity to reorganize your inner world to live confidently, respectfully, and securely.
Ingrid DeHart is a relational expert, chronic worry & anxiety specialist, psychotherapist, author, and speaker.
