The Art Of The Reset: 4 Steps To Take When Your Life Feels Frantically Out Of Control
A frantic mind can't make good choices.
Jupiterimages | Canva Feeling frantic is incredibly frustrating and frightening. I can still see my son's precious face in the rearview mirror as he voiced his frustration, sincere and without a shred of sarcasm, "Mommy, do we have to get lost every time we go to the store?"
The back roads were a challenge for me. Looping through fields and cow paths, they all looked the same. From town to town, the street names repeated, though the roads did not connect.
Determined to have a quick and scenic trip to go shopping, my four-year-old travel buddy was correct. We got lost every time. Each attempt to figure directions out felt like coming back to the same intersection over and over. Like my son, I felt bewildered. Why was I doing this, and why did I feel so out of control?
Like me, you may feel lost in life and find it hard to locate your internal compass. And when you find it, the arrow no longer points north. In an urgent need for control, you are likely to take paths that lead back to the same stuck place.
Here are 4 steps to take when your life feels completely out of control:
1. Pause, breathe, and allow yourself to feel your emotions
This advice often feels contrary to the concept of "feeling better." Why would you want to feel the emotions that are clearly causing you discomfort?
The answer is simple: There is crucial information in those feelings. When you push them away in an effort to feel better, you seriously limit your ability to find your way out of those same feelings. Thus, you will keep repeating the same steps that perpetuate your pain.
A behavioral study of emotional processing and panic explored how "swallowing or bottling up" emotions instead of feeling and processing them can actually create more anxiety and lead to panic attacks.
2. Name what is so frustrating for you personally right now
Diego Cervo via Shutterstock
Try stating your frustrations out loud. Say them just like they feel. Record them on your phone. Write them down in all of their frustrating splendor.
Let your body feel. Do not edit or criticize yourself. Just listen and breathe. This exercise reveals important information about your learned response when you feel lost and distressed.
Your nervous system has probably been responding this way since the first time you got lost or experienced another person’s frustration about being lost. You need to know about this part of you! Since these sensations typically come from young, vulnerable experiences, be kind to yourself when you feel this way.
Research on healing trauma showed the importance of understanding the mind-brain-body connection, and how trauma responses are based in attachment but live in the nervous system. So, rather than doubling down on criticism, offer yourself a kind word. Place your hand on your chest (or wherever you feel the frustration), and offer yourself a pat of compassion. It's also OK to cry or scream.
After you've heard, comforted, and calmed your frustrated feelings, you're ready to use a different part of your nervous system. This is the fun part, and it will get you out of your "lost loop." Remember that sometimes, earlier in your life, you have intentionally or accidentally wandered.
3. Write or state what comes to mind when you think about wandering or exploring
Did you explore with your mind or mix up magic potions in your kitchen? Were you able to search out new outdoor paths or follow novel sidewalks to go somewhere new? When have you wandered without knowing exactly what would happen — for fun?
"When you are in the midst of an awe experience," advised life coach Roland Legge, "slow down and notice what is happening within you. Seeking an experience of awe can help you to find joy amid chaos. It is a powerful way to reduce stress while simultaneously finding happiness and connection. Find whatever works for you in helping you access awe, which is all around us, if you take the time to notice what is happening around you and within you."
I remember as a child taking an unknown turn on a hillside path near my home. Realizing I had no idea where I was, my heart raced as I began breaking through the forest in what I imagined to be the right direction. In other words, I was following an imagined aerial view of my position — like a map.
Fortunately, after some rough terrain, I popped out in my neighbor’s backyard. No longer lost, I found my way by using the larger picture in my mind — my experience in the woods. Now — and only now — that you have witnessed your lost feelings right where they are, you can shift out of feeling lost.
4. Invite yourself to play in your memories
fizkes via Shutterstock
You’ll be able to remember them much better now that you are using more of your nervous system beyond your young, lost sensation. Be your whole self in this exercise. Practice having your fearful young nature walking hand in hand with your explorer and your adult self.
Widen your lens, picturing not only where you are right now, but what you know about all the resources around you. You can even share these memories and feelings with someone you trust. Try trading stories of early adventures while wandering.
Author J.R.R. Tolkien wrote, "Not all those who wander are lost." Tolkien's wisdom is true about people in society, and also within each person. You are never completely lost. If you focus inside to offer compassion, you will soon be able to zoom out to find strength, resources, and the bigger picture, especially during this time of confusion and uncharted territory.
Be kind to yourself and others. We will all find our way.
Ingrid Helander is a marriage and family therapist helping people who suffer from insecurity, doubt, impossible communication patterns, and overwhelming stress.
