People In Exceptionally Healthy Marriages Use 8 Phrases During Arguments That Keep Things From Escalating
DimaBerlin | Shutterstock Couples in healthy marriages don't let arguments get out of control because they understand that getting so angry that neither person listens doesn't resolve the issue.
Instead of shouting at each other, happy couples use specific language to stay calm and keep resentment from growing. It's not easy to stay level-headed when emotions run high, but these spouses know that's what keeps them together year after year.
8 phrases couples in healthy marriages use to keep arguments from escalating:
1. 'Can we put a pin in it for now?'
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It's tempting to argue until the sun comes up, but nothing gets resolved when emotions are high. That's why happy couples know when it's time for a breather.
As therapist Jason N. Linder, PsyD, explained, "This momentary break provides an opportunity for the nervous system to recalibrate, allowing us to reflect on the issue at hand more clearly, consider the other person's perspective, and evaluate the potential consequences of our actions and words."
So, don't keep trying to make a point. Pause, say this phrase, and take twenty minutes to reflect. You'll find conversations to be much easier that way.
2. 'We're on the same team'
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During an argument, it can feel like you're opponents. You both have your own opinions, and in that moment you're both too stubborn to compromise. In the back of your mind, you think you're right. But the main goal of a disagreement isn't to win against your partner. It's to be on the same page.
That's why people in happy marriages remind each other that they're on the same team. It's a simple way to reconnect.
3. 'I could've handled that differently'
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Nobody wants to admit they were wrong. That's why it's important to say, "I could've handled that differently."
It might hurt the ego, but your marriage will thank you for it. As associate professor Karina Schumann, PhD, said, "Apologies have been known to be really, really powerful in terms of repairing the relationship, helping people get on track, and really being the start of a longer process of reconciliation for some of those more severe offenses."
This is why couples need to own up to their mistakes. It's the first step to healing what's been broken.
4. 'What do you need from me right now?'
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Everyone's been in the never-ending blame game cycle before. You want to come to a compromise, but you're too busy arguing to get anything done.
You can't fix the past, but you can acknowledge the hurt and move toward a solution. Psychologist and researcher John Gottman, PhD, found that the happiest couples don't avoid arguments. They simply understand how and when to interrupt arguments before they become destructive.
5. 'I don't want you to feel like I'm against you'
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During an intense argument, it can easily feel like your partner is against you. Saying, "I don't want you to feel like I'm against you," is a check-in that shows where their partner is emotionally.
Psychotherapist Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D., said, "If you want to create the happiness you both deserve, both of you need to show how much you care." So, do what happy couples do. Checking in and validating emotions makes arguments way easier.
6. 'I don't want to make assumptions about what you meant'
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The worst thing someone can do during an argument is to assume. Especially when it comes to feelings, the wrong kind of assumption can make things worse.
Most people hate being vulnerable. But the more you clarify, the more you are likely to resolve your issues.
7. 'I think we're talking past each other'
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Someone in the relationship needs to know when to stop. It doesn't matter how impossible another person is being.
At the end of the day, they just want to feel heard. And while their feelings are 100% justified, going in circles only creates more unnecessary tension. That's why it's important to get to the root of the problem. Once you're focused, resolving the issue becomes easier.
8. 'Can you tell me what bothered you the most?'
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Because both parties are emotional, it's hard to know what's bothering them. They keep switching from the dirty dishes in the sink to how you don't take them on enough dates. All this can be pretty confusing.
They know they need to get to the root of the problem. And as licensed clinical social worker Robert Taibbi, L.C.S.W., advised, "As soon as conversations get heated, you need to shift the focus from the topic to the emotions themselves."
So, don't be too rigid. The more couples focus on their partners' feelings, the easier the argument becomes.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.
