People Who Are The Black Sheep In A Very Narcissistic Family Can Usually Remember 7 Experiences
Mikhail Nilov | Pexels Being the black sheep of the family feels isolating and exhausting. It's as if they became the problem the second they were born, and it can affect them well into adulthood. "The black sheep in families often carries a sense of shame for being different," therapist Imo Lo said.
No matter how old that person gets, when they come from a narcissistic family, their experiences stick with them forever. All the criticism and invalidation shape the way they move through life, and it's hard for them to let go of this toxic shame.
Experiences people remember when they're the black sheep in a narcissistic family
1. Being called disrespectful for questioning unfair treatment
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Black sheep can never do anything right. In their family's eyes, they will always be in the wrong. If they stick up for themselves, they're instantly labeled as disrespectful. But even if their narcissistic family can't stand looking like hypocrites, if no one calls them out, it never happened.
That's why narcissists shut down their valid criticisms. Family therapist Karyl McBride explained, "Narcissists... cannot put themselves into your shoes and feel or understand how something might affect you. They can only see how it affects them. They are hypersensitive to criticism and judgment, but constantly criticize and judge others. This is their way to make themselves feel bigger and better."
The black sheep in a family isn't wrong for sticking up for themselves, despite how much their parents or siblings told them so growing up. Narcissists just can't handle the truth or any push-back.
2. Having their words twisted until they became the villain
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When someone is a black sheep in their family, they can never say what's on their mind. Every time they try, their narcissistic family gets control of the situation and puts them in their place. Starting from a young age, they vividly remember having their words twisted. Whenever they expressed how they felt, they were made out to be the villain.
That's probably why they're so dysregulated as an adult. Experiencing childhood maltreatment is associated with a higher risk for developing psychological disorders. So, while they might have escaped their childhood physically, they can't change their thinking patterns.
3. Being held to a different set of rules than everyone else
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People who were black sheep in a narcissistic family weren't just the scapegoat. While everyone could act as they pleased, they were being held to a different set of rules and standards. It wasn't fair, but their family didn't seem to care. As long as they could point the finger at someone, it didn't matter.
So, it's no wonder family outcasts are anxious as adults. Deep down, they're terrified of stepping out of line, because every time they did, they learned that even the smallest mistake could lead to the harshest of punishments. Perhaps if they seek professional help they can finally move past this experience that has plagued them since childhood.
4. Being compared to siblings who could do no wrong
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The family outcast or black sheep always felt insignificant. From a young age, they experienced clear favoritism from their parents. While the golden child could do no wrong, the black sheep was the complete opposite. No matter how perfect they tried to be, it wasn't good enough. They always fell short of their other siblings.
Now, as an adult, they can vividly remember how they felt in that moment. That feeling of hopelessness and anxiety has stuck with them to this day. As a result, they may have perfectionist tendencies. Because they were criticized 24/7, they internalized the belief that the more they failed, the more unlovable they became.
5. Being made to feel guilty for their needs
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Every time the family outcast needed basic necessities or explained their inherent needs, they were made to feel guilty. Shampoo that should have been readily available became a source of guilt in a narcissistic household. Even food may have been weaponized. And while they might have escaped their family's clutches, that feeling of hopelessness never went away.
Even as an adult, they can't forget what they went through. They still remember the feeling of asking for something simple only to be shut down. And now, they can't seem to buy themselves anything. Childhood trauma is linked to financial stress, so their internalized guilt makes it impossible to enjoy any material items or experiences.
6. Having their accomplishments overlooked
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At a young age, the black sheep tried to escape their label. They wanted acknowledgement from their family. They wanted some recognition of all they achieved in school or at home. They believed if they accomplished enough to make their parents proud, they would be loved. Unfortunately, there's no winning in a narcissistic household.
It doesn't matter how many straight As they received or how well they did their chores. It was never good enough. They were constantly invalidated as kids, which can put them at risk for developing narcissistic personality disorder as adults. And the cycle just continues.
7. Being expected to forgive family members without receiving an apology
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The worst thing about being a black sheep is that their feelings were always secondary. Even when they were wronged, their narcissistic family still expected them to forgive and move on. Narcissists just don't care and are unwilling to apologize because they lack empathy.
Family outcasts likely still remember experiences like this, but now that they're older and wiser, they can create their own family. They learned from their past and vowed never to make the same mistakes. And in the end, they realized that breaking the cycle begins with them.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.
