People Who Don't Look Like What They've Been Through Usually Have 9 Resilient Traits
Andrea Piacquadio | Pexels We become more resilient when we go through adversity and come out on the other side.
While it can be scary to face trauma, we actually grow as people by facing discomfort and challenges. While many of us believe that we have to prove our struggles in our personalities or appearance, there are plenty of important traits that people who don't look like what they've been through carry in their lives.
Resilient traits people have when they don't look like what they've been through
1. They give grace to others
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While many believe that going through hardship hardens people, the truth is that they often tend to be the most gracious. Coming out on the other side often makes people more resilient, because they have to learn how to care for themselves and heal.
That also means that, with a greater sense of emotional intelligence and personal confidence, they're more willing to help and give grace to others. They can handle the inconvenience of social support, because they know what it's like to truly struggle or to feel completely isolated themselves.
2. They can regulate in private
When someone is going through something and lacks the emotional regulation skills or inner security to truly process and heal, everyone knows. They're constantly complaining or seeking attention, because they don't think others will understand why they resort to solitude to process how they feel.
But sometimes the calmest, most gracious people have also been through the most. They just use their alone time and personal relationships to work through their trauma, instead of suppressing it and distracting themselves.
3. They're independent
While hyper-independence and becoming too self-reliant can sometimes be misguided coping mechanisms for trauma, people who can rely on themselves don't need to prove their history to anyone. Their trauma and personal hardships are for them to heal from, so they're not going to spread it around and seek pity.
They don't look like they've been through a lot to most of us, because we perceive the most traumatized people to also be needy. But they're healing. They've had to lean on themselves and figure things out, even when it wasn't comfortable. And now, they're secure in their own skin.
4. They know when to be vulnerable
Just because you don't hear someone talking about their trauma or oversharing doesn't mean they don't have baggage of their own. In fact, not constantly hearing these deep thoughts and personal struggles may be a sign that they're more resilient than most.
They're not seeking pity or constant validation for what they've been through. Instead, they're saving their vulnerability for the people and conversations that truly matter to them.
5. They're comfortable in their bodies
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While many people cling to their life challenges as excuses or to seek pity, resilient people are actively healing. Even if the wound is still fresh or coming back up from triggers, they have the emotional intelligence and self-security to deal with them, instead of shutting down completely when things get hard.
Part of that healing and emotional security comes from feeling and processing emotions in their bodies. If they're constantly suppressing and avoiding emotions, they take root in the physical body. But if they learn to be comfortable in their skin and actively process things as they arise, they learn to be more present and grounded.
6. They have a strong personal identity
Resilient people are often the most grounded in themselves. They've figured out who they are and what they need, which also fuels a kind of authenticity that can make it hard for us to see their most vulnerable struggles.
They don't need someone else's approval or even someone else's routine from social media to feel good about themselves. They know what's worth investing their time and energy in.
7. They're open-minded
While unresolved trauma and past obstacles can sometimes prompt anxiety and hypervigilance, people actively healing may actually become more grounded and open-minded. They're some of the traits, along with extraversion, that truly predict someone's resilience, at least according to a 2022 study.
They've been through more than they let on, so they're not afraid to step into discomfort with a feeling of security. They don't need full control, because they have a tolerance for uncertainty that they can now use to their advantage to grow.
8. They're disciplined
The ability to regulate their own emotions is one of the strongest predictors of resilience, especially for people who have been through adversity and hardship.
It also predicts someone's discipline, because without the emotional intelligence or the tools to show up for themselves, they end up searching for ease and predictability all the time.
9. They're not afraid to ask for help
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Many people avoid asking for help to curate a narrative of strength, when it's usually the people secure enough in themselves to admit they need support who embody a real kind of inner security. Ironically, people who ask for help in times of struggle and crisis boost their own resilience.
They're not disconnected from social groups or hardened to social interaction just because they've faced difficulty. In fact, they're more open to connection and joy because of it.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
