Kids Raised By Parents Who Played Favorites Usually Develop 8 Personality Quirks In Adulthood
Pexels Parental favoritism is much more common than we realize. It's possible for parents who play favorites to create healthy dynamics that encourage their children to be more secure.
But kids raised in these families develop certain coping mechanisms and personality quirks when they grow up that can sabotage their well-being.
Personality quirks kids develop in adulthood when they're raised by parents who play favorites:
1. They tend to be more competitive
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With adult siblings, their relationships tend to suffer later in life after experiencing parental favoritism. As a result, many of these kids struggle not to constantly compete with those around them.
Their self-worth was defined by their parents' attention, and now they can't help but chase that misleading inner security by trying to win against others, even when the situation doesn't require competition. It's always them against another person, instead of them succeeding on their own.
2. They often feel enormous pressure not to disappoint others
It may manifest as people-pleasing behaviors or perfectionism, but adult kids who feel pressure not to disappoint others were often the favorite kid growing up. There were a lot of obligations to live up to the expectations their parents had for them, whether that was being the easy kid or not, and it's stuck.
In their relationships and personal lives as adults, they hold themselves to unrealistic standards. They often equate their self-worth with how beloved they are in other people's eyes.
3. They get defensive about things being fair
When their entire childhood was defined by favoritism and unfairness, these children become more sensitive about things being fair in adulthood. Now, they have the control and voice to speak up and protect their own presence, even if it's clear they're just compensating for unresolved traumas.
It's not necessarily entitlement, they're just hyper-aware when their needs aren't considered or when things feel unfair, even though that's often the natural state of our world.
4. They compare themselves to pretty much everyone
Even when they're not making a fair comparison for their own growth, kids who grew up with parents who played favorites are socialized into competing and comparing. For the adult kids who were clearly not the favorite child, the self-esteem issues they're now left with inherently influence how they speak to and condemn themselves.
Fighting for a parent's attention growing up makes kids feel like they have to perform for the bare minimum. While they may unwind that low self-esteem later in life, they usually carry it into their adult relationships through anxious attachments.
5. They struggle with compliments and affection
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Many kids, especially those experiencing emotional neglect and disconnection with parents, grow into adults who struggle with distrust and emotional processing. When offered praise as kids, there was a whole web of performance and resentment associated with it, and that doesn't simply dissolve because they've grown up.
Now, they struggle with affection and receiving compliments because they can't trust that having someone's attention means they have good intentions. The people who were supposed to love them unconditionally made things transactional, and it's difficult to stop believing that everyone else isn't following their lead.
6. They still want their parents' approval
If they were the favorite child or the sibling on the opposing end of the favoritism, as adults, they may still need a parent's reassurance and attention to feel secure. They're yearning and performing to fill that void, seeking approval that lingers into adulthood.
Their sense of security and self-worth were directly influenced by a parent's attention, rather than expressing emotions or having a safe space to be themselves. They missed out on creating a sense of stability and may seek out validation to feel okay.
For some, that means being overly dependent on their parents to make decisions and celebrate themselves. For others, it's using adult relationships or work dynamics as a drawing board for a fleeting sense of inner security.
7. They often shrink themselves
While our society tends to favor extroverts, experts believe that that outgoing personality isn't necessarily predictive of parental favoritism in family dynamics. For younger siblings yearning for attention and being punished for acting out in search of it growing up, so many head into adulthood with a single belief: "I need to be smaller to be liked."
They dismiss their emotional needs. They become hyper-independent or shrink their personalities around other people. It's because they've been taught that their most authentic self is too much for other people to appreciate and love.
8. They can be overly agreeable
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According to a study published in Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, parents tend to favor children who are more agreeable by nature. Sometimes, that's favoring daughters and eldest children. Oftentimes, it's leaning toward easy kids who make parents' lives a lot more convenient and low-effort.
But that means that kids on the opposite side of that favoritism learn to associate agreeableness with their own self-worth. As adults, they people-please more often to seek out the attention and approval they've been wanting since they were children.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
