Boys Who Grow Up To Become Emotionally Intelligent Men Usually Hear 9 Things At Home On A Regular Basis
Gordon Cowie | Unsplash Boys are taught emotional intelligence at home from a young age through how their parents interact and talk to them.
If we want to live in a world where boys grow into men who aren't afraid of emotion and can actually use it to form healthy relationships with themselves and others, there are some things they'll benefit from hearing at home.
Most boys who go on to become emotionally intelligent men regularly hear certain phrases at home:
1. 'How was your day today?'
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This one might seem rather intuitive, but it's still important. This question is crucial for inviting them to share their innermost thoughts and feelings about how they themselves perceived the world around them throughout the day.
It can give you a glimpse into their inner world while allowing them the space to share what they want to share with you. If they know that they're encouraged to talk about how their day is going and that you're going to listen intently to them, they'll be more likely to feel like talking about their thoughts and feelings is acceptable, which is a significant aspect of emotional intelligence.
2. 'Tell me all about it.'
When a boy is interested in a particular school subject or cool new gadget, giving them an opening to tell you everything about it invites them to open up to you about something that they hold near and dear without feeling judged for it.
Boys need to know that what they're interested in matters and that trusted people aren't going to judge them. This will increase emotional intelligence because it shows that if their interests matter, then they can surely find other people around them who share similar interests and not feel ashamed or weird for liking certain things.
3. 'That was not very kind.'
On the other side of things, teaching boys to take accountability for their actions is absolutely crucial for raising emotionally intelligent men. Boys especially need to know that sometimes you have to acknowledge that you hurt other people's feelings and that a simple, genuine apology is the key to salvaging those relationships.
There's just no other way around it. Too many men in the world have no idea how to take accountability, or they refuse to do it unless it makes logical sense to them. Telling boys when they do something unkind gives them a chance to understand how their actions affect other people and what to do if and when that happens.
4. 'I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that.'
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There's always going to be moments when parents slip up. Whether it's losing their temper or going completely silent from being overstimulated, there will be times where you might unintentionally hurt a young boy's feelings. It's just as important to teach them accountability by demonstrating that you can take accountability too.
After all, boys learn from the adults around them what good behavior looks like. If they see that someone they trust and look up to is able to acknowledge that they hurt their feelings, they can take this necessary skill and adopt it as their own for their emotional toolkit.
5. 'We don't talk about girls that way.'
Young girls often bear the brunt of awful behavior deemed OK by immature boys and sometimes reinforced as OK at home. This is not right. Truly dismantling such a thought process starts with enforcing what is OK to say about girls and women at home and what is not.
Most of the time, a boy will hear a man speak about a woman a certain way that inevitably influences the boy to think that it's OK to talk about girls that way. This influences how he treats her when he goes out into the real world. By telling them from a young age that we don't talk about girls that way, it raises boys' level of social awareness and emotional intelligence as a result.
6. 'Make sure you say thank you.'
Having the ability to express gratitude is one of the hallmarks of emotional intelligence. When we remind boys to make sure that they say thank you when it's warranted, we teach them that expressing gratitude should be a normal behavior.
7. 'I'll always be here to listen.'
Even when boys start showing more independence as they get older, it's important to always remind them that you'll be there to listen to them no matter what happens. They need to know that, while there may be pressure from the world to bottle everything up and 'man up,' you don't hold them to that same expectation.
This is truly how we raise boys to know that there's someone you can trust to help hold painful feelings together so that it doesn't come crashing down on them when they least expect it. It helps for them to know when they become men that there are people out there who aren't going to listen to ridiculous standards about masculinity and that they can talk about their feelings without any shame attached to it.
8. 'It's OK to be sad.'
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More often than not, men are more comfortable expressing anger than they are expressing sadness. That usually starts in the home. There are too many instances where men act out of rage instead of acknowledging that underneath it all is a lot of unacknowledged vulnerability and the idea that it's OK to be sad.
Sadness is a necessary emotion to feel in order to get through difficult moments in life. Boys need to know that sadness is a normal emotion to feel and that it doesn't need to be masked with anger. It's not healthy to be angry all of the time. While sadness can be difficult to feel and process, when boys are encouraged to feel it and be OK with it, they grow into men who are better able to cope with negative feelings all around.
9. 'I love you.'
Last, but most certainly not least, boys need to hear the phrase "I love you" on a regular basis no matter what age they are. It's dismaying how common it is for adults to stop expressing their love to boys the older they get. Whatever you do, never stop saying this to a boy in your care!
Verbal affirmation is crucial for developing healthy self-esteem in boys and fostering their own ability to verbally affirm others too. This starts with telling them that you love them. While actions may speak louder than words for a lot of people, words are words. Emotional intelligence grows exponentially when boys are given the language to express their emotions and that absolutely includes love too.
Luke Aliga is a writer with a degree in Technical Writing and Communication who covers relationships, culture, and human-interest topics.
