Boys Who Grow Up Into Good Husbands, Fathers, And Men Usually Learn These 20 Things Young
Yelena Mariya | Shutterstock A girl who rolls with the boys and plays sports is celebrated for her strength, but what about the boys who'd rather play quietly with dolls, who like the color pink, and who feel the need to cry every once in a while?
Empathy, kindness, love: these aren't feminine qualities; they're human qualities, and important ones at that. Rather than only focus on teaching our daughters to dodge bullets and jump over societal roadblocks, why not teach our sons to help move those roadblocks out of the way? To be respectful, kind, caring, sensitive, and empathetic; these traits should be emphasized, not touted as signs of masculine weakness.
Instead, we ridicule and emasculate our smallest boys; we make excuses for them. "Boys will be boys," we say, shrugging our shoulders. Well then, maybe we need to redefine what it means to be a boy, a man. If we want to understand how to raise a boy right so that he grows up into a good husband, father, and man, maybe we should start saying these things instead.
Boys who grow up into good husbands, fathers, and men usually learn these 20 things young:
1. There are many ideas of what it means to be a man
The true test of manliness is how you treat others, especially those smaller and weaker. The strongest men in your life are the ones who use their strength to lift other people, not to make themselves feel bigger by tearing others down.
2. You aren't just a man; you're a human
Shakirov Albert / Pexels
The most important qualities a person can possess are human ones: kindness, empathy, and a loving heart — but the concept of gender socialization (girls are emotional; boys are tough — false!) can limit boys' emotional expression and empathy.
3. In many parts of the world, girls don't have the same rights as boys
This isn't fair, but it's important to recognize the inequality. The boys who grow up most aware of these dynamics are also the ones most likely to use their voices to make things more equal for the women and girls in their lives.
4. It might not be fair that men hold such power in the world, but it is our reality
Like Spiderman says, "With great power comes great responsibility." Teaching boys about the responsibility associated with traditional male gender stereotypes is crucial for promoting healthy masculinity.
5. It's okay to cry, to be sensitive, and to feel
This is part of what makes you human. The boys who learn early that feelings aren't shameful grow into men who can ask for what they need, and work through hard moments without bottling everything up until it explodes.
6. I can handle your tears and vulnerability without cringing from the social pressures around me
Having a little boy can challenge our ideas of masculinity on a subconscious level, and we have to be honest about that (as well as our fears and our stereotypes) if anything is going to change.
7. There are no 'right' ways for boys to act or 'right' ways for girls to act
These are social constructs, and social constructs are largely lies. From the kid who loves baking, the kid who loves karate, or the kid who loves both. They are all approaching boyhood right. Be you. Be good. Be respectful.
8. It's okay to feel the need to be physical; it's hardwired into a boy's DNA
It's also okay to shy away from violence. Gender is a spectrum, just like everything else in life. Find healthy outlets for your physicality, rather than suppressing and demonizing it.
9. Masculinity isn't something you have to prove
insta_photos / Shutterstock
And femininity isn't something to avoid or ridicule. Although there are obvious biological differences between boys and girls, we all deserve respect. You're capable of treating people, all people, with compassion and respect.
10. When someone says 'no' or 'stop,' you listen, especially if it concerns someone else's body
You aren't entitled to put your hands on anyone, and you should expect the same in return. "No" isn't a bad word; it's an important word.
11. It's okay to feel angry
I can handle your anger. I can hear about your dark thoughts without judgment. I can see that your anger is coming from a deeper hurt and that it might be easier to express it in the form of aggression. Find the sadness. Find your vulnerability. It's okay.
12. You aren't defined by your gender role or cultural expectation
It's easier for society to lump us into categories with neat distinctions. In reality, life doesn't have such clear boundaries.
13. You aren't defined by your clothes, car, bank account, muscles, or girlfriend (or boyfriend)
You're defined by your character. How you show up for the people is what stays with them long after the rest of it fades. When you're 80, no one will remember what car you drove at 18, but they'll remember that you were kind.
14. If you fall in love with someone of the same gender, it's okay
I just want you to be happy and at ease with who you are.
15. Respect is always in style
adriaticfoto / Shutterstock
The key to getting a date with anyone is confidence and self-respect. Kids who learn to respect themselves first tend to attract a partner later in life who already knows how to respect them too.
16. If you have to convince someone to date you, they aren't the right person for you
If they start playing games, are at all unsure or wishy-washy, then walk away. The best kind of relationship is the kind where both people are equally excited about it. You deserve more than lukewarm uncertainty, no matter how attractive they are.
17. It's normal to be curious about your body
It's not dirty or sinful, but it's also a private act, so take it to the bedroom and close the door behind you. Curiosity about your own body is healthy. The shame many carry around this stuff comes from the adults around them treating the topic as taboo.
18. There's a strong social and emotional component to intimacy, and oftentimes, girls feel it more strongly than boys
Be aware of it. They won't teach you that in school, but it's true. What separates a thoughtful partner is asking how someone feels, checking in afterward, and treating intimacy as something that affects the whole person and not just the body.
19. Certain body parts will be a big deal in your life, so take good care of them
They'll want to be in the driver's seat from time to time, controlling what you say and do. Remember: YOU are in control of your actions.
20. Don't be afraid to be vulnerable
It might feel scary to be vulnerable, especially as you get older. The cultural stigma can feel heavy like a weight dragging you down. But as scary as it is, being open to hurt, failure, and uncertainty is the only way to be fully open to love, to take big risks, and to engage your humanity.
Michelle Horton is a writer and advocate. Through the Nicole Addimando Community Defense Committee, she speaks out for her sister and the countless other victims of domestic violence criminalized for their acts of survival. She's the author of Dear Sister: A Memoir of Secrets, Survival, and Unbreakable Bonds.
