9 Phrases To Never Use If You Actually Want Someone To Keep Talking To You
Mahir KART | Shutterstock Feeling heard and embracing a sense of belonging are the kinds of social, human needs we desperately crave, especially in today's disconnected society.
Unfortunately, we often overlook them in favor of distractions and stimulation. Whether it's looking at our phones in public or saying disengaged phrases you should never use if you actually want someone to keep talking to you, we're all missing out on these needs on a daily basis, usually without realizing it.
Never use these phrases if you actually want someone to keep talking to you
1. 'That's interesting'
Hryshchyshen Serhii | Shutterstock
When someone is actively listening to us, including asking questions and using thoughtful body language, it sparks the reward center in our brains and makes us feel valued. However, when someone's looking at their phone or using phrases like "that's interesting" instead of being present, the opposite is true.
We feel worse about ourselves and more drained trying to fight for their attention. The same is true for comments like "that's cool." You may be acknowledging what someone's saying, but you're not making them feel heard.
2. 'At least...'
Phrases like "at least you're safe now" or "at least you didn't fail" may be forcefully optimistic coming from a well-intentioned person, but they usually make people feel even worse. When someone's being vulnerable for the sake of garnering support or asking for help, hearing this can feel invalidating and dismissive.
We've all been there, even if we didn't have the words to verbalize why this kind of language hurt us. Sometimes, yes, we want optimism and advice. However, we also just want empathy and a listening ear.
3. 'I know exactly how you feel'
While shared experiences can sometimes bridge the gap between people and prompt better connections, according to a study from PLOS One, phrases like this can come across the wrong way at times. Especially for someone who's looking to community or friends for support, hearing "I know exactly how you feel" feels like a grasp at attention.
Even people with the best intentions come across as insincere after saying this because others perceive them to be derailing the conversation with one-upping strategies.
4. 'Why would you do that?'
Despite the intention, a question like "Why would you do that?" often feels accusatory. It makes someone feel like they made the wrong choice or did something wrong before they even have a chance to respond. For our nervous systems, which can be wired to seek out threats and judgments all the time, this can land wrong.
That's why being careful with your tone of voice and body language is essential. The more careful you are, the harder it is to accidentally offend someone.
5. 'You should really do this'
Branislav Nenin | Shutterstock
When someone is only looking to have their emotions validated and to feel seen, conversations with someone spreading unsolicited advice can be instructive. They want support, not a method to fix what they're feeling.
Not only does this advice tend to make people feel worse, but it creates more stress in times when people are already dealing with a lot. The last thing they need to hear is all the things they should be doing instead of criticisms for what they could have done better.
6. 'You look great, considering...'
Even if they come from a heartwarming place, backhanded compliments sabotage the health of social connections. The caveats in "you look great, considering" take over the compliment at the heart of the phrase.
So, not only does it make someone feel bad, it can spark a new insecurity or piece of stress they weren't thinking about before. Regardless of intention, just remember: the negative parts of backhanded compliments will always win over the kind parts.
7. 'You look tired'
Asking "Are you okay?" or "you look tired" comes from a good place, but if you want someone to keep talking to you, be careful with your tone. If someone is going through a hard time or dealing with a lot of stress, the last thing they want to hear is that they don't look good.
Especially in professional settings where there are boundaries and all kinds of unspoken rules about commenting on someone's appearance, it's extra important to be intentional with the hills you choose to die on, or, at least, ask about.
8. 'I could never wear that'
When someone says "I could never wear that," it really sounds like "I would never wear that, because it's so ugly." Even when this is intended to be some kind of compliment, our brains are wired to look for negativity and criticism even where they don't exist.
So, be intentional about the words and phrases you're choosing to use in conversations, because someone's perception of what you're saying is way more important than what you meant.
9. 'You can do better'
Josep Suria | Shutterstock
Most friends and loved ones who use a phrase like this to console someone going through a breakup or a layoff have the best intentions. They want the person to feel hopeful about the future and less negative about their circumstances.
However, this phrase can sometimes be more dismissive than it seems. It feels like you're dwelling and wasting energy on someone who's not worth your time when, in reality, all you were looking for was emotional validation.
If you want someone to come back to you for advice and support, this may not be the right phrase to keep in your arsenal.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
