Parents Whose Adult Children Visit More Often Usually Do 9 Things That Other People Avoid At All Costs
Ground Picture | Shutterstock Even when grown kids love their parents and enjoy spending time with them as adults, all kinds of nuanced points of tension and struggles can make visiting them feel like more of a burden.
We can all learn a lot from parents whose adult children come home a lot, and the behaviors they always make space for, that others avoid at all costs.
Parents whose adult children visit often usually do these specific things right:
1. They talk about difficult topics
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Whether it's money struggles, old family traumas, or resentment from decades ago that only comes to the surface once every few years, parents whose adult children truly adore them don't steer away from these hard conversations.
They're not afraid to create a safe space for even the most uncomfortable conversations, which is why their adult kids always find solace in quality time. They don't have to hide anything or pretend to be someone they're not, because their parents will accept them and help solve any struggles they have, even when it's not easy.
Of course, these kids likely also thrive in their own lives and careers because their parents taught them the virtue of leaning into discomfort, instead of running from it. They don't need to avoid hard topics and life struggles for acceptance because they find internal and familial acceptance from dealing with them at home.
2. They let their kids make mistakes without comment
Great parents, whose kids love spending time with them, don't need to use their children's lives to seem more important. They don't offer intrusive, unsolicited advice, but instead let them make decisions and mistakes without comment. They understand, truly, that their kids are full adults, even if it's easier to keep viewing them as their own "babies."
While some adult kids appreciate a ton of parental involvement in their lives, it's not always healthy to have a parent living vicariously through their kids. So, even if the average parent secures their own ego and boosts their own sense of meaning by trying to solve their kids' problems and direct them on a specific life path, the parents of adult kids who actually want to spend time with them are much more accepting and "hands off."
If they're asked for advice, they offer it. Otherwise, they're careful about simply supporting, rather than telling their kids what to do and not to do.
3. They ask curious questions
Despite experiencing the growth in connection and likability that comes from asking and receiving questions in other areas of their lives, some parents still avoid being curious in conversations with their own kids. For some, it's a defense mechanism. They'd prefer to keep pretending that their kids haven't changed at all, and they're still just as close as they were decades ago.
In a way, other parents' curiosity is a form of respect in its own right. Parents remind their kids that they recognize they're living their own lives and that it's a privilege to know them. So, even if it means learning about something they don't understand or accepting a child's unique life path, they still ask curious questions instead of judging and blaming all the time.
4. They apologize for mistakes
Instead of holding onto grudges and coping with insecurity by dodging accountability, parents with adult children who truly enjoy spending time together aren't afraid to apologize.
From small things like a misunderstanding to childhood trauma in their kids' lives that they may not even necessarily "agree with," they put supporting and apologizing to their kids above protecting their ego every time.
5. They experiment in their own lives
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So many parents struggle with midlife crises, marriage dissolutions, and loneliness after their adult kids leave the house because their identity is wrapped up in being a parent. Although they're still and always will be a parent to their kids, now that they're not in the house, they have all kinds of free time that can transform into dread at the drop of a hat.
Considering loneliness can feel contagious, and children often feel uncomfortable with parents desperate for their attention, it's not surprising that the ones who experience and build their own individual lives cultivate better relationships. It's not about "forgetting" their kids and moving on, but reconnecting with the identity, lifestyle, and routine that they've put on pause to raise their kids.
People want to be around authentic, happy people because their energy is contagious, whether it's a parent or not.
6. They protect their own boundaries
Even if it's easier to put their kids' needs first, especially when coping with isolation and loneliness after they leave the house, adult children who actually want to spend time around their parents admire their strength. There's still warmth, love, and affection, but there's also the stability of healthy boundaries and expectations.
For example, an affectionate, lovely parent with vague boundaries may bail their kids out of financial struggles over and over again to protect them, but they also simultaneously strain the relationship and keep their kids from learning to look after themselves. Over time, they actually become less close and more resentful of each other, even if the original overstep of boundaries was well-intentioned.
7. They accept their differences
According to a study from Psychology and Aging, most adult children and parents experience feelings of irritation, ambivalence, and tension in their relationships, for a variety of reasons. However, in our polarizing society, it's not surprising that one of the major ones is differing values and opinions.
Young people are cutting off family members completely and labeling them "toxic", creating an impenetrable echo chamber for themselves that sabotages new perspectives and information. Of course, some beliefs and values are inherently tied to our safety and personhood, which is why differing ones aren't healthy to be around, as they negate our whole existence.
However, the healthiest parent-child relationships often accept their differences when they don't fall into that category. They have hard conversations sometimes, but most of the time, they accept that their quality time isn't meant to change each other's minds, but to appreciate each other's presence.
8. They invest in the relationship
While early attachment between parents and kids is the most influential predictor of support and connection later in life, according to a study from the Journal of Gerontology, it's still possible to retroactively create that bond. With quality time and open communication, parents and adult kids can invest in a relationship that makes everyone feel more bonded and secure.
However, it takes work. A family dynamic, like any relationship, should never feel like a draining obligation, but there are some kinds of effort and work you have to invest to make it the best it can be. That's why not every parent, in our modern convenience world, is all that interested in growing closer to their kids.
9. They accept change
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Whether it's leaning into new roles, getting to know a new version of their adult kids, or navigating unexpected seasons in their lives, one of the most admirable traits of a great parent later in life is their adaptability and openness to change.
They can show up for their kids in great ways in what's usually the most uncertain time in their lives because they're not leaning on rigid expectations for security. They're internally gratified and secure, so they're able to manage whatever change and uncertainty is thrown their way, by life or by their adult kids.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
