11 Signs Your Aging Parents Actually Need You To Start Parenting Them A Little Bit
Syda Productions via Canva Shifting roles from cared-for to caregiver can be a complex, nuanced experience for adult children to navigate as their parents get older. However, taking an optimistic approach in order to "make the best of it" can have significant value for everyone involved.
Your aging parents may not tell you directly when they actually need you to start parenting them a little bit, but learning how to spot when that moment has arrived can make all the difference. If the time has arrived when your mom and dad truly need you to step up and start being the one to care for them, there will be several subtle signs you notice when you visit their home, speak with them on the phone, or talk with them about what's going on with them.
Here are 11 signs your aging parents actually need you to start parenting them a little bit
1. Their living spaces feel chaotic
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If you walk into your parents’ living space and the first thing you notice is chaos, chances are they’re struggling with things they feel pressured not to ask for help with. From daily chores being too much to the layout of their home becoming unmanageable, as people age, their routines and systems may need to change. If they’re not being restructured appropriately, your parents' mental and physical health may suffer.
Whether it’s renovations that allow for better mobility and access or figuring out a plan to help with things they can’t manage, if your parents can't do it on their own, you may need to step in and ensure they’re not taking on extra stress and anxiety from living in a messy, chaotic home.
2. They start missing obligations and appointments
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Neglecting to attend medical appointments and preventative care is often associated with worsened health and treatment efficacy, especially for aging adults. However, the reason for an aging parent skipping or missing an appointment is often nuanced, from issues with transportation to physical mobility barriers, and sometimes even memory struggles.
While it might be hard to notice when an aging parent is missing these obligations and appointments when you’re not living in their house, it’s not impossible. They might just need some parenting from you to figure out a better system.
From sharing calendars to stopping in every once in a while to get a feel for their routine and lifestyle, the more active and present you are, the more help your parent may feel comfortable asking for, even if it’s not easy for them.
3. They’re losing interest in hobbies they used to enjoy
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According to a 2020 study, losing interest in hobbies and things someone used to enjoy is often a symptom of mental health struggles like depression. If there’s too much emotional turmoil or anxiety swarming in someone’s head, making time and space for “unnecessary” hobbies can feel impossible.
So, if you start to notice a parent leaning too heavily into boredom or isolating themselves from environments they used to love, don’t chalk it up to exhaustion on a physical level. Be a safe space for them to talk about their experience, even if they don’t yet have the words to verbalize what they’re dealing with or how they want to ask for help.
4. They’re overwhelmed by basic daily tasks
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Many of the things we take for granted in mid-life, like doing our basic chores and caring for our homes, often become much harder for aging parents to manage, especially if they’re on their own. While they might harbor some shame or embarrassment in asking for help from their families, being there to parent and support them, even if it’s not necessarily praised, is a huge part of becoming a great caretaker.
Even if it’s stopping over once or twice a week to check in on a parent and consistently help them with these daily tasks, creating a consistent, safe space for them to use your help can avoid safety concerns they feel pressured to take on themselves.
Don’t wait for them to ask for your help, but be there for them in case they need it. Notice things they clearly struggled with. Be there for them, as they were for you.
5. Their finances seem disorganized
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Whether it’s overspending as a coping mechanism for loneliness or missing bill payments, disorganized finances should be a “red flag” for adult kids that their parents need guidance. Even if you aren’t sure how to directly step in, being a safe space for a parent to ask for help without judgment can make all the difference.
Especially considering that many caregivers and adult children experience financial strain as parents live longer lives, noticing signs of such problems and stepping in to support your parents with responsible saving early can help you avoid bearing the burden of their bills and money stress down the road.
6. They seem lonelier than usual
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Many aging parents deal with loneliness as they navigate major life transitions and disconnection within their families, according to a study published in BMC Geriatrics. It may sneak up on them quietly, but the emotional, social, and physical consequences they face are incredibly influential.
Even if your parents are stubborn and refuse to let their adult kids worry, their loneliness can pop up through unsuspecting red flags. From using background noise on their TV to cope with silence and showing up unannounced at your place more often, their social isolation may not be easy to spot, but it should be a warning sign that they might need you to “parent” them into seeking community and socializing more.
7. They get defensive when you offer help
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When someone’s defensive, it’s usually a projection of what they’re feeling or struggling with internally. It could also shine a light on something they’re not ready to face. So, if you’re offering help to an aging parent and they’re defensive with a phrase like “I can do it myself,” chances are there is a part of them that’s afraid to give up their freedom and rely on their own kids for support.
However, these changing family roles and obligations are a natural part of life. The more adult kids and parents can lean into them together, to both provide support and nurture a dignified, respectful relationship, the better.
8. They seem to be neglecting personal care
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From basic hygiene to small chores around the house, if you notice a parent is starting to neglect wellness and personal care, they might need support. Whether it’s a struggle with mobility and having the energy to complete these tasks or dealing with mental health concerns like depression that make executive functioning difficult, they require parenting, even in small ways.
While self-neglect might be an underresearched, misunderstood experience among aging individuals, as a study published in the Journal of General Internal Medicine explains, it’s usually a sign that they need support.
9. You have a gut feeling something’s wrong
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Especially for adult children who know their parents well and have a close relationship, sometimes the red flags that they need support come from an internal gut feeling. You know something isn’t right, even if you don’t have the words to verbalize or the evidence to support your instinct yet.
Instead of waiting for an issue to arise, bring it up with your parents. Be there to support them without an agenda. Lean into safe spaces and hard conversations before they become charged with the emotions and stress of a bigger issue to solve.
10. They downplay their own struggles
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Parents often feel a sense of meaning, even later in life, when they can provide practical support or help to their adult kids. Their identity is partially wound up in being a parent, even if it takes a different form in adulthood. However, that doesn’t mean that their adult kids can’t also provide a new kind of support or “parenting” to their aging parents without taking away the meaning of their parenthood identity.
It may be difficult for parents to accept help or even ask for it from their own kids, causing downplays and dismissals of their own struggles, but this new dynamic is a natural part of life. The more you can practice it and get comfortable with it together, the easier it will be to lean on it when things change or shift to a serious caregiving situation.
11. Their mood has seriously shifted
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While it’s natural for aging parents to experience a shift in mood or personality as they manage a new phase of life, especially when it’s characterized by loss, uncertainty, or fear, noticing big shifts in a short period of time might be a sign that your parents need support.
Instead of attributing these shifts to sheer stubbornness, as many adult children do, creating more tension in the family dynamic, lean into the “why.” Figure out where their new attitude is stemming from and how you can step in to support or “parent” them to feel more grounded and comfortable.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
