10 Things Women Who Grew Up As ‘Good Girls’ Do In Private That They Don’t Tell Anyone About
Studio Romantic / Shutterstock Many woman are socialized into putting their needs aside for others, so much so that it becomes a part of their identity for life.
Whether it’s by their parents or at school, early in life girls are often told that being “good” means conforming with all kinds of problematic gender norms, from making themselves smaller and being agreeable to being the peacemaker when other people can’t regulate their own emotions. Even today, this mentality weighs heavily on their heads. So when they are in private, women who grew up as "good girls" may do certain things to self-soothe in an attempt to cope.
Here are 10 things women who grew up as ‘good girls’ do in private that they don’t tell anyone about
1. They gossip about people in their journals
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Instead of sabotaging their self-image and disappointing people with unsustainable expectations for them, whether it’s a parent or a partner, women with a “good girl” identity may use their alone time to vent. Even if it’s just writing in her journal, she dumps all the negativity and frustration into it to ensure she has space for grace and compassion with others.
Of course, not only does this journaling tactic help to relieve their stress, but it can also help them to show up better in conflicts and arguments with other people.
2. They cry over things they didn’t share
Protecting other people’s emotions and comfort is a key behavior that women who were the “peacemakers” of their households bring with them into adulthood. They’ve spent their lives attaching this behavior to their identity and being reaffirmed for consistently upholding it, even if it comes at the expense of their own emotions and well-being.
Especially for eldest daughters socialized into caring for others more than themselves, their alone time might be the only space they feel comfortable releasing pent-up anger, issues, and emotions. They cry on their own time to release their suppressed feelings, but struggle to actually express them to others or ask for help.
3. They fantasize about speaking up for themselves
Many women with this “good girl” mentality can’t help but to use their private time to fantasize about what they would have done in the face of hurt or frustration. They picture big screaming fights, toxic behaviors, and yelling, even if they’d never actually do those things in reality.
They’re coping with all of the things they might be feeling inside and fantasizing about the release of letting them all go.
Of course, having these daydreams isn’t necessarily a bad thing if they’re regulating those deep, complex emotions somehow, but if they’re suppressing them, this could be a sign of inner turmoil. Suppressing feelings doesn’t let them go away, so these “good girls” still need some kind of vessel to get that energy outside of themselves.
4. They judge themselves
There’s a lot of shame in growing up as the “perfect child” or a “good girl,” because every time you make a mistake or have a thought that doesn’t align with external expectations, it feels like you’re doing something wrong. They hold onto guilt and shame to blame themselves for their thoughts and actions, even though acceptance is the key to liberation, especially for adult women.
A self-critical inner voice and perfectionism are inherently linked together because they feed into each other. The more someone protects peace or succeeds, the better they feel, but when they make a mistake or fail to reach unsustainable goals, they’re wrecked.
Even if they come across as happy, joyful, and “good” women in public, when they come home, their minds can’t help but retreat into this shameful, self-critical mindset.
5. They dismiss their own feelings
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Women who struggle to admit they’re struggling often say things like “I’m fine” or “don’t worry about it” to others, but then use their alone time to overthink and relish in the complex feelings they suppressed. Especially when people-pleasing and maintaining unrealistic expectations for themselves were rewarded with praise as young girls, as adults, it can often feel like a struggle to admit that they’re not doing well.
So, when they’re alone, distractions are an avoidant pathway. They can suppress emotions and dismiss their feelings to perform “being fine,” but in the end, they’re often more isolated and unregulated than they realize.
6. They dread plans they said yes to
When saying yes and pleasing others becomes a survival instinct from growing up as a “good girl,” adult women start to continue using it as a mechanism for feeling secure and comfortable. Setting boundaries and protecting their peace with a “no” feels unfamiliar and uncertain, so they resort to the behaviors they clung to as young girls for safety.
However, this also usually means that their alone time is spent dreading and fretting over the plans they said “yes” to, even when they needed alone time to recharge. Instead of appreciating all the benefits of solitude, they are forced to rehearse conversations and stress about plans they didn’t want to go to in the first place.
7. They indulge in unhealthy vices or coping mechanisms
Growing up with people-pleasing habits and a misguided sense of external self-worth, “good girls” grow up to be women who need misguided coping mechanisms to feel secure. Whether it’s hyper-independence or unhealthy vices that distract them from alone time, they often lean into these distractions when they’re in private.
Unfortunately, without the security to ask for help if they’re still caught up in protecting this self-image, their isolation becomes a spiral of mental health concerns and loneliness that’s hard to break free from.
8. They try to stay busy
Many girls who grew up with unrealistic expectations have grown up with self-worth tied to outcomes and productivity. They feel uneasy when they’re busy or doing something, which is why their alone time can feel anxiety-inducing when they don’t have distractions.
They're struggling to remind themselves that they’re allowed to do nothing and rest, even if other people are disappointed or they need to regulate their emotions to get to a comfortable place. When they’re alone, they might cling to their phones or unnecessary work to busy their time, but in the end, they often end up exhausted and more isolated.
9. They question their worth
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Without other people around to provide praise or validation, many women are pressured into being “good girls" and people pleasers question themselves. Their entire childhood wound up their self-worth into other people’s opinions of them, so the quietness of alone time today feels impossibly lonely.
It’s easy to distract themselves from these questions when they’re out in the world and busying themselves with work or social interactions. However, the stillness of alone time, when many people find it easy to connect with themselves, brings out their anxiety and need for validation.
10. They try to figure out what they actually want
Many young women and eldest daughters who were labeled “good girls” from a young age were expected to live up to perfectionist ideals set for them by other people. They didn’t follow their own goals or have freedom in making mistakes to figure out what they wanted, because it was all figured out for them.
Now, as adults, so much of their alone time is defined by this yearning for understanding of themselves. When they’re around other people, they can resort to busyness and people-pleasing, but when they’re home without distractions, they’re desperate for a sense of internal meaning.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
