11 Ways Contempt Quietly Creeps Into A Marriage
Motortion Films / Shutterstock Contempt can ruin relationships. If you feel that your partner is beneath you and no longer worthy of your attention, it can be a sign that your marriage is heading for divorce. This feeling can quietly creep in and begin to sabotage your relationship.
You may be the person who feels contempt, finding that your partner is bothering you more than usual. It may build up over time to the point where you begin treating them differently. However, it can be painful when your spouse is the one who feels this way. You may not be able to tell at first. There will be quiet ways you’ll notice it creeps into your marriage. If the dynamic in your relationship is changing, it may be a sign that contempt has quietly made its way into your marriage.
These are 11 ways contempt quietly creeps into a marriage
1. Jokes become hurtful
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We’ve all been told to lighten up because something said was just a joke. Sometimes, there is some truth behind the jokes made at our expense. If contempt has quietly crept into your marriage, you may notice things have become more tense at home. The words your spouse says to you have become more cutting. It starts to make you question whether they are joking or if they meant what they said.
There is almost always a bit of truth buried in a joke, whether we want to admit it or not. Contempt can show itself through the cutting jokes your spouse says.
2. Sarcasm is the norm
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I’ll be honest, I can be very sarcastic. It’s a coping mechanism for me. It helps me to poke fun at situations rather than dealing with them head-on. However, when sarcasm becomes the norm in a relationship, it may be a sign that contempt has taken over. Some sarcasm can be playful, but if it’s your partner’s go-to, there could be serious issues under the surface.
Sarcasm can seriously damage a relationship. Research has found that using sarcasm as a form of humor can come across as rude. It can make one partner feel like they are the butt of the joke rather than part of the laugh.
3. They speak with superiority
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It’s not easy to have a partner who talks down to you. It can make you feel as though you are not good enough. When someone speaks with superiority, it can make you feel like you have no say in the relationship. They may start doing this when contempt has entered the marriage. This can be a sign that they are patronizing you.
Patronizing can make you feel less-than. They’re talking down to you, acting as though they know what’s right and you do not. It’s frustrating, especially in a marriage. It could be a sign that things are heading towards divorce.
4. Eye-rolling happens often
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Few things feel more disrespectful than when someone rolls their eyes at you. Whether you’re having a heated conversation or someone rolls their eyes when you are trying to share something with them, it can be frustrating. It can make you feel like they do not care. If someone is feeling contempt in a relationship, it may become more common, especially during difficult conversations. It can be a signal that contempt has made its way into the marriage.
Eye rolling is a way people show their emotions. It can be painful and disrespectful for the person on the receiving end. It’s not the reaction we are seeking, and it feels dismissive when it occurs.
5. There is constant criticism
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When contempt moves into a relationship, it can be hard to see the good in our spouse. If someone is constantly criticizing you, it could be a sign that they feel disdain toward you. It will feel like nothing you do is right. It’s almost like you are under a microscope, being judged for every little thing you do.
Belittling and nitpicking can damage relationships. Constant criticism can lead to divorce when contempt creeps into a marriage.
6. They belittle you in public
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No matter where belittling takes place, it’s hurtful. When your spouse isn’t afraid to poke fun at you in public, it may be a sign that they feel contempt towards you. They no longer care about maintaining a public image. They may feel that you are so beneath them that they can speak to you however they want. It can be both painful and embarrassing to deal with this, especially in front of people that you care about.
Belittling a spouse can be a sign that things are going south for the relationship. When it unfolds in front of others, it’s even harder to deal with.
7. They keep score
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How many times have you argued with someone over whether or not you are right? Or held the kind things you’ve done for them against them? Believing that they need to do something for you in return? These are signs of a negative relationship. If your spouse is constantly keeping score, it can be a sign that contempt has crept into the relationship.
"The act of keeping score inhibits your ability to empathize with your partner and threatens to foster resentment in your relationship. This leads to misunderstandings because the process of scorekeeping is inherently biased," says Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D.
8. They mock you often
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The feeling of being mocked is painful. This is especially true when this behavior comes from your spouse. It can be difficult to express your feelings to your partner. Vulnerability doesn’t come naturally to everyone. When they tease you instead of providing support, it may be a sign that they are feeling contempt towards you.
Mocking can be a form of teasing. Sometimes, it may appear playful. However, in certain circumstances, it’s obvious they are doing it to make you feel poorly about yourself. Mocking can cause damage to a relationship, especially when it is intended to hurt you.
9. They view everything as negative
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We have all been in relationships where it feels like we can’t do anything right. Everything we say gets interrupted negatively. Instead of trying to understand where we are coming from, our spouses may completely dismiss it. Instead, they see everything as an attack against them. It can be hard to have an open conversation about your feelings.
Seeing everything through a negative lens can deeply hurt a relationship. It can form resentment. It may be a sign that contempt has moved into the marriage.
10. They compare you to others
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Have you heard the phrase, “comparison is the thief of joy”? It’s a common one. If you constantly compare your partner to someone else, it can negatively affect your relationship. When a partner says that you should act more like someone else, or how much better their friend's spouse is than you, it’s demeaning. It can be a sign that contempt has crept into the relationship.
You should never compare your relationship to someone else’s. Instead, you should work hard to enrich your own and improve it. If your spouse is constantly playing the comparison game, they may be disconnected from the partnership altogether.
11. They ignore you
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The silent treatment. We have all been through it at some point. If your spouse ignores you to get under your skin, it’s immature. Not only that, but it can fully ruin your marriage. Ignoring your spouse can be a sign that contempt is in the relationship. Whether they want to admit it or not, they may be ignoring you because they feel you are beneath them.
Being ignored can impact your mental health. If your spouse continues to ignore you when they are upset with you, the relationship isn’t healthy.
Haley Van Horn is a freelance writer with a master’s degree in Humanities, living in Los Angeles. Her focus includes entertainment and lifestyle stories.
