A Person Who Does These 11 Things While Talking To You Is Almost Always Struggling Way More Than You Realize

While our convenience culture with constant stimulation has shrunk people’s attention spans greatly in the past decade, according to informatics professor Gloria Mark, some people are easily distracted and disconnected from social interactions where there’s something deeper occurring. From avoiding eye contact to dismissing their own personal emotions, a person who does these things while talking to you is almost always struggling way more than you realize.

Of course, this kind of social interaction and support is necessary for these people to heal, as a study from World Psychiatry pointed out, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re always present. Whether it’s getting caught up in their own minds or struggling to lean into the vulnerability this kind of support requires, their struggles may be subtle but that doesn’t mean they’re not incredibly influential and impactful.

A person who does these 11 things while talking to you is almost always struggling way more than you realize

1. They deflect vulnerability with humor

man deflecting vulnerability with humor in a conversation. GaudiLab | Shutterstock

People who struggle to connect and be serious while talking to you may be struggling more than you realize, especially if they’re always using humor as an “escape route” from vulnerability.

While humor can sometimes help to de-escalate conflict and manage mental health, a study from Europe’s Journal of Psychology reveals that things like irony and sarcasm can actually feed into struggles with anxiety and depression. Especially if they’re used as a way to deflect support, communication, or vulnerability, they only keep people stuck in an isolated space while struggling.

2. They’re always ‘so tired’

woman secretly struggling feeling tired on the phone MAYA LAB | Shutterstock

While fatigue and exhaustion can often be both psychological and somatic symptoms of mental health struggles like depression, according to a study from European Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, sometimes people’s reliance on the excuse of “tiredness” is a way to avoid addressing the root cause of their struggles.

By suggesting that they’re “so tired” or “had a crazy week,” they can avoid the discomfort of making their internal struggles the center of attention in conversations. While this avoidance can sometimes offer a fleeting sense of comfort, if someone does these things regularly while talking to you, chances are they’re struggling more than you realize.

3. They change the subject often

man who is struggling way more than you realizing changing the subject in a conversation at home Geber86 | Shutterstock

As psychotherapist Jennifer Gerlach explains, avoiding talking about mental health or vulnerable topics in conversation can make us feel better in the moment, but in the long run, suppressing these feelings and running from social support makes us feel much worse.

Amplifying our anxiety and symptoms, avoidant behavior isn’t doing anyone any favors. So, if someone in your life is constantly changing the subject or running from conversations that put them in the spotlight, they might be struggling more than you realize.

4. They over-apologize for everything

woman who over-apologizes for everything talking to a partner Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock

Over-apologizing in conversations is largely a defense mechanism for people struggling with mental health or fears of rejection and abandonment, according to clinical psychologist Greg Chasson. However, when someone is over-apologizing, they’re not only chipping away at their own self-esteem. They’re also creating an unnecessary emotional burden for the people they’re speaking with.

A person who’s struggling way more than anyone else realizes may even self-isolate unintentionally by trying to “prove” themselves worthy of conversation or over-apologize for things that aren’t their fault. It might feel grounding for them in the moment, but it distances them from social support over time.

5. Their body language feels physically tense

woman with tense body language talking to therapist kapinon.stuio | Shutterstock

From clenching their jaws to seeming overly rigid, if someone’s body language feels physically tense while they’re talking to you, they may be struggling more than you realize. Our bodies tend to store a lot of emotional turmoil, stress, and anxiety, sometimes before the mind even acknowledges it.

Especially if someone doesn’t have the rituals and coping skills to manage their struggles internally or emotionally, their bodies are always yearning for a physical release. Their heart beats faster and their palms get sweaty, and yet, other people still tend to notice their body language as a “red flag” before they have a chance to deal with it.

6. They avoid making future plans

who avoiding making future plans on the phone because she's struggling Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock

Many people dealing with a lot of inner turmoil self-isolate as a means of coping. Whether it’s a need for rest prompted by depression-fueled fatigue or a struggle to accept help when they’re feeling anxious about other people’s judgments, they over-emphasize their need for alone time.

While this kind of solitude can sometimes be healthy for coping in moderation, if someone is completely removing themselves from friend groups, isolating themselves when they’re struggling, and avoiding making future plans to protect that isolation, they may be struggling more than anyone realizes.

7. They only engage with superficial conversations

man engaging in superficial conversations with his partner simona pilolla 2 | Shutterstock

Especially for people with unresolved trauma, vulnerability can feel threatening and scary. If you’re used to being judged for your emotions and abandoned when you’re open about what you need, vulnerability can feel like a personal threat, leading to isolation and avoidance, rather than depth and support.

Yet, vulnerability is a key part of the healing process. You can’t do it all on your own. A person who’s only willing to engage in superficial conversations and runs when things get deep might offer themselves a fleeting sense of comfort, but it’s clear that they’re struggling.

If they’re not careful, they’ll quickly sabotage their own personal well-being, but also all the meaningful relationships with people who care about and want to support them through hardship.

8. They ‘zone out’ often

woman zoning out looking at phone while husband tries to talk to her PeopleImages | Shutterstock

When our brains “zone out” during conversations and social interactions, it’s much like a “rinse cycle” intended to clear out old thoughts, manage emotions, and process information, according to an MIT study.

Usually, we resort to this cognitive process when we’re bored or disconnected, but if someone’s managing a lot of inner turmoil, their brains may feel forced to address it, even when listening to someone speak or spending time with close friends.

So, if you notice someone daydreaming when you’re speaking or zoning out when someone asks them a question, there’s a chance they’re dealing with emotional turmoil inside that demands to be dealt with.

9. They get defensive or angry easily

man who gets angry and defensive often talking to his wife PeopleImages | Shutterstock

According to a study from Scientific Reports, people who regularly suppress their emotions and avoid seeking support are more likely to experience anger. Especially if they’re not leveraging healthy coping skills or coming back to the complex emotions they’re holding back, it’s not uncommon for emotional outbursts to pop up, seemingly out of nowhere.

So, if someone seems to regularly “overreact” to small triggers and get incredibly defensive and frustrated in the face of vulnerability, they’re probably struggling way more than you realize. They need a safe space to talk about their feelings and receive the social support they’re yearning for, but their misguided defense mechanisms make it feel impossible to lean in.

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10. They struggle to maintain eye contact

who struggling to make eye contact during conversation because she's struggling internally PeopleImages | Shutterstock

While eye contact often helps people to feel seen and validated in powerful ways in conversations, many people who run from vulnerability don’t want to be seen. Whether it’s low self-esteem or deep-rooted shame, they’d prefer to hide the deep parts of themselves and rely on a curated image of themselves in their conversations.

A person who struggles to make eye contact may be deflecting vulnerable conversations and trying to hide themselves from being seen, because the foundation they’re operating from feels flawed and insecure.

11. They seem emotionally detached

couple seeming emotionally detached during conversation AlpakaVideo | Shutterstock

Sometimes, someone’s inner struggles can feel unsuspecting. For example, if they’re emotionally disconnected and detached, their body language might face away from you or seem closed off. They avoid eye contact and use humor to deflect vulnerability. They get easily distracted by their phones, other people, or random parts of their environment.

They’re generally disconnected and detached from conversations because the emotional turmoil lingering inside of them is impossible to ignore.

Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.