11 Subtle Phrases Good People Use That Slowly Drive People Away
Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock Even the best people we know can struggle with the language they use. Even if it’s unintentional, certain phrases can push people away. Whether it’s the tone they're delivered in or the feelings the words evoke, some people may be sensitive to the words said to them.
Certain phrases can invalidate others' feelings. Even people with the best intentions may say things that slowly push their friends away. They may be condescending, even if they do not mean to be. They can accidentally invalidate others' feelings or make conversations entirely about themselves. This type of person may be a great friend, but spending time with them is complicated. Over time, these phrases can slowly push even the most loyal friends away.
These are 11 subtle phrases good people use that slowly drive people away
1. ‘I’m just blunt’
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Sometimes, even good people can come across as abrasive. They likely have good intentions and may not see how their words make others feel. They may think they are helpful by speaking their mind, but they are actually hurting the people they care about. Being blunt can be positive when used correctly, but it’s not always appropriate. This person may believe they are being helpful, but it can slowly drive people away.
There are instances where being blunt can sound a bit like gaslighting. Even if they do not mean to be, their delivery can be hurtful. These situations can make even the best friends grow distant.
2. ‘You can be very sensitive’
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Some people are naturally more sensitive than others. I can be one of those people. Certain words and phrases can bother me more than the average person. When I hear something that hurts my feelings, I may slowly pull away from the person who said it, even if I know they are a good person. Sometimes, words can be painful, whether it's intentional or not.
When someone is highly sensitive, it doesn’t help to hear that they are being too sensitive from someone else. Reminding them of their sensitivity rather than taking accountability can put a wedge between you.
3. ‘No offense, of course’
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A good person may say something offensive, but quickly follow it up with ‘no offense.’ We have all experienced this in a conversation. It can be hurtful because it’s clear that the person knew their words were hurtful, but tried to cover them with a band-aid. Even if they didn't mean to hurt your feelings, using this phrase makes it seem like they didn’t care. It can drive people away.
Many people believe that saying 'no offense' means the person actually intends to be offensive. If someone is a good person, they may say this genuinely, meaning not to offend, but the phrase comes across as rude. Unfortunately, they may grow tired of this phrase being said often and choose to distance themselves.
4. ‘I must be a bad person’
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If someone says something that rubs someone the wrong way, they may try to garner sympathy by being seen as the victim. It may not be intentional, but it could be a defense mechanism. They may feel bad, but want to take the heat off themselves. It’s not easy to admit when we are wrong, even when someone is a good person. Having good intentions doesn’t change the way phrases make another person feel.
Whether they mean to or not, saying this phrase is attention-seeking behavior. Constantly saying this can make people frustrated. Instead of taking accountability for their actions, it’s a way to bring the attention back to them.
5. ‘I really have done so much for you’
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Saying this phrase can make someone feel bad. It may dismiss their feelings. If they bring something to another person’s attention and ignore it by saying this, it can be painful. Even if they are a good person, it can still happen. It may not be intentional. Instead, it can be a defense mechanism when they feel attacked. However, it can still hurt other people.
"Underneath the guilt-provoking often lurks sadness, loneliness, hurt, and need. Unfortunately, the guilt-provoking behavior often does the exact opposite of what they wanted. Instead of getting the love or affection they want so desperately. They almost inevitably push people farther away by trying to guilt them into giving them what they want," says F. Diane Barth, L.C.S.W.
6. ‘Lighten up’
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A person may have good intentions and try to make a joke. They are not a bad person, but either their sense of humor is unique, or they don’t realize they are pushing someone’s buttons. Whatever the reason, they may accidentally hurt someone’s feelings in the process. Instead of apologizing, they may say, ‘Lighten up.’ It can be mentioned subtly, but it can be perceived as dismissive. They may struggle to let words like this go.
Saying this phrase shows they do not want to take accountability. They may not realize they hurt you, or they are convinced the joke was funny. This behavior may drive someone away over time.
7. ‘It was just a joke’
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Going along with ‘lighten up,’ saying something was just a joke could cause issues. Sometimes, it can be hard to admit that what we say isn’t funny. Even if a good person has pure intentions, they may struggle to say they were just joking to make themselves feel better. Jokes can hurt, whether we want them to or not. Sometimes, it’s better to hold our tongue than to say something that may be controversial.
Making others feel bad about something can be difficult. Saying it’s a joke might be a way to save face for a good person, but it can still be painful.
8. ‘I’ve been through worse’
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If someone is venting, we must do our best to listen as good friends. While we may not find their issues to be a big deal, they are for them. Being supportive is important. If a good person tries to relate to or make light of the situation by comparing it to something they’ve been through, it can cause problems. They likely did not intend to hurt the other person. However, the way the phrase comes across makes others feel bad. It’s as if what they are going through doesn’t matter.
The truth is, experiences are still valid, even if someone else has it worse. Though a good person may try to connect by saying this, the dismissiveness of the phrase can cause a rift in their friendship.
9. ‘No worries if not’
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I’m the type of person who struggles to ask for help. Instead, I’ll use phrases like, ‘no worries if not.’ I don’t want anyone to feel pressured into doing something for me. I know this can be annoying to some people. They may wish people like me would come out and ask for it instead of using phrases like this. I get it, but it’s still hard.
If a good person says this phrase, they likely have good intentions. They are probably shy or afraid of burdening others. This can grow annoying over time, or so I’ve heard. Some wish that they would come out and say it, and may grow frustrated. They may choose to distance themselves.
10. ‘It’s not that deep’
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If someone says something isn’t that deep, it dismisses the feelings of others. Even if we are good people, we cannot always know how our words will impact others. Something that feels like a light joke or comment can hit someone else hard. We may find their reaction over the top, but it’s important to have patience with them. It’s dismissive, whether they’d like to hear it or not.
"Rather than dealing with important issues and working them out, the person withdraws from the conflict, leaving you feeling upset and unheard," says Sanjana Gupta. Someone may be a good person but still participate in dismissive behaviors, whether they realize it or not.
11. ‘That must be nice’
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When someone is opening up about something exciting in their lives, it’s helpful to lend a listening ear. Celebrating our loved ones’ victories is important. However, even the best people can feel jealous. They may show this through subtle phrases. If someone says, ‘That must be nice,’ it’s a sign they envy something in your life. However, someone may not understand how a phrase like this can hurt someone else’s feelings.
‘That must be nice’ tells someone that their achievements do not matter as much because they are experiencing something good, and they may be going through something more serious. While they may have good intentions, it’s not always the best thing to say. It can make people feel bad about their success and push them away over time.
Haley Van Horn is a freelance writer with a master’s degree in Humanities, living in Los Angeles. Her focus includes entertainment and lifestyle stories.
