Men Who Seem Emotionally Distant Are Often Actually Struggling With These 11 Life Issues
Oleg Golovnev / Shutterstock Men are notorious for being emotionally distant. Ask any woman, and she’s likely to have a story about a man who broke her heart by not putting in the effort to connect with her. It can be frustrating when trying to form a healthy bond with them. Sometimes, it can prevent you from having a relationship with them at all.
While it’s easy to get upset about this behavior, we have to understand the stress that men are put under. It’s no excuse, but when society teaches them not to show any emotion, it can play a role in how they treat others. Men sometimes seem emotionally distant because they have a hard time understanding what they’re feeling. Whether it’s putting it into words or coming to terms with the pain they are enduring, it’s not easy. If a man seems emotionally distant, there is usually something else going on under the surface.
Men who seem emotionally distant are often actually struggling with these 11 life issues
1. They believe showing feelings is a weakness
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We’ve all heard the phrase ‘boys don’t cry.’ From the start, they are taught to hold their emotions inside. Showing anything but stoicism is considered weak. As a result, this has made it difficult for them to be vulnerable. While not all men struggle with this, it’s no surprise that many do, as they learned this social norm at such a young age.
Masking emotions is a common side effect of this outdated stereotype. It can make men seem emotionally distant when in reality, they are worried about being seen as weak if they do.
2. They fear rejection
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Experiencing rejection is painful. We want to be cared about by the people we love. When that isn’t reciprocated, it can sometimes make us excuse ourselves from the world around us. When men do this, they may seem like they are emotionally distant. In reality, they do not want to face rejection. It can be difficult to put themselves out there.
It isn’t always easy to move forward from rejection. When that fear feels consuming, it can prevent men from showing up emotionally for others in their lives. He may be concerned with not getting hurt.
3. They’re stressed out
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Everyone shows stress differently. Some men may silently deal with this feeling. It could be pressure from work, or something deeply personal. Whatever the issue, he might be embarrassed to share with others. It can come off as emotionally distant, but in reality, he is struggling.
Although he may try to hide this part of his life, he will unintentionally show it. He can seem emotionally distant, but he may also act irritable and easily frustrated. He might pull away to hide his feelings.
4. They feel pressured to provide
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Gender norms are shifting, but that doesn’t mean that men do not struggle with the stress and anxiety of providing for their families, which is weighing on them. While more women work, the ideology that men should be the primary breadwinners can put a lot of stress on their shoulders. They may seem emotionally distant, but it could be that they are worried about finances. Financial anxiety is a serious issue, and some people may be embarrassed to talk about it since it’s such a taboo topic.
“Many men still carry the internal narrative that their value is tied to financial success. Despite shifting gender roles and household dynamics, the expectation to 'have it all together' financially hasn’t disappeared. Men may no longer be the sole breadwinners in every home, but the pressure to provide remains deeply internalized,” says Nathan Astle, MFT, CFT-I.
5. They don't want to be a burden
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It can be hard to open up to other people when you are afraid of being a burden. I know I have been guilty of this. I have worried about how my friends and family would react to my problems, and instead, have kept them inside. When a man fears burdening others, he may struggle with emotional vulnerability.
With emotional distance comes loneliness. When someone does not want to be a burden, they may distance themselves from people in their lives. It can cause a cycle of further distance from others.
6. They’ve been hurt before
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Trauma can cause emotional detachment. Unfortunately, the pain can bring unexpected consequences. When you think of someone hurting you, it’s not surprising you might pull away from people. Self-protection can become their top priority. For men, opening up about their feelings isn’t easy to begin with.
Being emotionally vulnerable after experiencing pain at the hands of others can feel impossible. It may be especially challenging for men, as they struggle more than women do to talk about their feelings. Instead of finding comfort in others, they may distance themselves to keep themselves from experiencing pain again.
7. They’re navigating grief
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There is no exact way to navigate loss. Whether it is the passing of someone they love or the surprise lay-off from a long-term job, these life issues can be hard to work through. A study found that men often retreat when they feel pain and grief. Women are more likely to reach out for help than men are. This results in feelings of emotional distance.
It’s important to reach out for help during times of struggle. It’s not something some men feel inclined to do. Instead, they will put distance between themselves and others.
8. They are struggling with their mental health
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Research has shown that men do not seek help for affective mental health issues. They are less likely to seek treatment for their suffering than women are. There is an outdated stigma that therapy is for the weak. They may choose to avoid talking about their feelings because of this. It’s not easy for anyone to be vulnerable when they are struggling with their mental health, but men are especially guilty of retreating in these moments.
A man who seems emotionally distant may have more issues going on in their lives. They can be afraid to speak up and seek help. Whether that’s through therapy or opening up to trusted people, it’s not an easy task. They do not seem vulnerable because they are concerned about keeping their feelings to themselves.
9. They lack emotional intimacy
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A good relationship needs a strong foundation of emotional intimacy. You have to be comfortable with the person you’re with. Being able to share your feelings and emotions with the person you care about is essential. If a man seems emotionally distant, they are often struggling with life issues that they do not want others to see. Not allowing themselves to feel emotionally intimate with others can make them come across as distant.
"Recent research underscores the importance of emotional intimacy in relationships, revealing that couples with high levels of emotional closeness experience greater partner satisfaction, improved communication, and reduced conflict,” says Cara Gardenswartz, Ph.D. "Conversely, relationships lacking in emotional intimacy are more likely to face issues.”
10. They need to be in control
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Some men feel the need to control the world around them. When they feel out of control, they may slowly retreat from the people around them. To get what they want or need, they want to have the final say over what’s going on. Whether that’s at work or in their personal relationships, if they feel like their life is moving in a way they can’t control, they may appear emotionally distant.
Emotional distance can come from many life issues, but when they feel they need to be in control, it can be easier to keep an arm's length from the people in their life. Manipulating these situations feels safe.
11. They lack confidence
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Low self-esteem can have a serious impact on relationships. Whether it’s romantic or platonic, the fear of showing your true self to others can prevent strong relationships from forming. For some men, a lack of confidence can lead them to withdraw from those around them. They are afraid to show their true colors because they are not proud of who they are. It prevents them from forming a vulnerable connection.
Emotional distance feels especially vulnerable when you aren’t confident in who you are. When a man feels like he isn’t good enough, emotional distance is sure to become an issue.
Haley Van Horn is a freelance writer with a master’s degree in Humanities, living in Los Angeles. Her focus includes entertainment and lifestyle stories.
