If Your Relationship Feels Weirdly Distant, These 4 Moves Can Change The Energy Fast
Vasyl Dolmatov | Canva When a couple splits, most state their problems were never processed or resolved healthily. As a result, they feel weirdly distant from their partner and say they argue about the same things over and over (and over) again. Studies have shown couples become detached and eventually lose fondness, admiration, and love for one another over time.
But sweeping issues under the rug only works for so long. Because when couples have deep-seated resentment, it can be a challenge to change the energy fast enough to save the relationship — but four moves can shift the entire dynamic into a much better place faster than you think.
If your relationship feels weirdly distant, these four moves can change the energy fast:
1. Stop criticizing your partner
Talking about specific issues will reap better results than attacking your partner. For instance, a complaint is: I'm upset because you didn't tell me about the phone call from your ex. We agreed to be open with each other. Versus a criticism: You never tell me the truth. How can I trust you?
"When you're in a relationship or married, committing to communicating with your partner better is foundational to the success of your relationship," advised marriage counselors Mary Ellen Goggin and Jerry Duberstein. "Anger may be an unpleasant feeling, but it doesn’t have to be expressed unpleasantly. Communicating with kindness has transformative powers, especially when difficult emotions are involved."
2. Deal with issues as they come up
Hananeko_Studio via Shutterstock
Don't put aside resentments that can destroy your relationship. Experiencing conflict is inevitable, and couples who strive to avoid it are at risk of developing stagnant relationships. Take responsibility for your part in a dispute. Avoid defensiveness and showing contempt for your partner (rolling your eyes, ridicule, name-calling, sarcasm).
Couples counselor Mary Jo Rapini suggested that when a person is defensive, "withdrawal of the other partner is a common response, and a relationship may eventually crumble due to the lack of healthy communication. We all communicate with our eyes, our mouths, and our bodies. Just as we show incredible love through our gestures, we can cut someone deeply with gestures. "
3. Turn up the affection
"Whether you’re a touchy-feely person or not, there are multiple reasons to be more physically affectionate in your close relationships," explained Dr. Kory Floyd, a professor of interpersonal communication. "Even if your love language isn't physical touch, it's natural to crave being touched."
A study explored how physical contact releases oxytocin (the bonding hormone) that reduces pain and causes a calming sensation. It's released during affectionate touch as well. Physical affection also reduces stress hormones, lowering daily levels of the stress hormone cortisol.
4. Stay in the habit of seeing the good in them
JLco Julia Amaral via Shutterstock
Remind yourself of your partner's positive qualities — even as you grapple with their flaws — and express your positive feelings out loud several times each day. Search for common ground rather than insisting on getting your way when you disagree. Listen to their point of view and avoid stonewalling, which is shutting yourself off from communication.
"Lead with compassion and empathy, showing your partner that you love, appreciate, and care for them," recommended relationship coach Tom King. "When you approach your marriage with kindness and with the intention of being a true friend, you create the foundation for genuine healing and reconnection."
The best way to create a relationship built on love, trust, and intimacy is to take responsibility for our own actions and to practice acceptance and compassion for our partner. All couples have problems, even the ones who seem like perfect matches. The thing to keep in mind is that realistic expectations and damage control can keep resentment from building and causing serious relationship problems.
Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW, is a licensed clinical social worker with extensive experience in counseling and writing.
