If A Relationship Has These 8 Patterns, It's Probably Hanging On By A Thread
Lucas Pezeta | Pexels After decades of being a therapist and lover of self-help books, I've come to realize the patterns of a relationship that's hanging on by a thread usually appear fairly early on. For instance, most couples report that their relationship problems didn't surface suddenly but are the result of buried resentment that can fester for years.
A healthy, intimate relationship is built on trust and vulnerability, which involves sharing your innermost feelings, thoughts, and wishes. It's important to remember that all couples have perpetual problems and can develop tools to deal with them. According to clinical social worker Claire Hatch, "If you're bottling up feelings of sadness or anger, you end up suppressing your feelings. You'll find yourself feeling less joy and love, as well." In other words, if you can't talk about the hard things, you'll also feel less warmth and affection, and over time, the relationship will be left unraveling
If a relationship has these 8 patterns, it's probably hanging on by a thread:
1. You argue about the same things
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You argue about the same things over and over (and over) again and never seem to clear the air. You both feel like you're the loser, and you often have to defend your position. If you find certain topics always cause arguments, marriage therapist Mary Kay Cocharo recommended the power of eye gaze, touch, and breath in keeping any two people connected and calm. "When used consciously, these tools can help couples to discuss the most difficult topics without turning them into a fight," Cocharo said.
2. You feel criticized and put down
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This leaves you feeling less than good enough. Research from The Gottman Institute cautioned that criticism is one of the main reasons why marriages collapse. Criticism can have devastating effects because it makes the victim feel assaulted, rejected, and hurt. It often causes the couple to fall into an escalating pattern where criticism reappears with greater frequency and intensity. However, a complaint addresses a specific behavior or action, and it doesn’t carry the negative charge of criticism because it doesn’t blame and, instead, expresses a need.
3. You have difficulty being vulnerable
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And when you do, your worst fears are actualized. You're left regretting you revealed your feelings and desires. Emotional vulnerability is a crucial factor in relationships, explained marriage counselor Todd Creager. "One thing I often say is that it is each partner’s job to regulate the emotions of not only themselves but also those of the partner," explained Creager. "We need to help soothe our partners when stressed, as well as lift themwhen they are in neutral. A partner that feels understood is a partner who feels safe and secure to be themselves."
4. One or both of you put your children or others first
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Therapist and author Andrew G. Marshall writes in his book, I Love You, But You Always Put Me Last: "If you put your children first, day in and day out, you will exhaust your marriage." He posits that many parents fall into the trap of putting their children first, and the outcome is resentful, alienated parents and demanding, insecure children.
5. You don't enjoy each other's friends or families
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So you begin socializing away from one another. This may start as an occasional weeknight out. But if not nipped in the bud, it can spill over into weekends. Weekends are ideally when couples have an opportunity to spend more time together. If this off time is habitually spent without your spouse, it further expands the divide between you.
6. You have ghosts from past relationships
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You may overreact to fairly innocent things your partner says or does because it triggers a memory from a past relationship. Couple sunselor Reta Faye Walker advised: "Follow these incidents of being triggered with self-reflection and journaling. The person who shifts from “We are doing great” to a litany of the other person's mistakes with electric speed is a person who is being triggered by a memory. Catching your words midstream and pausing to reframe them will further your journey to getting past your triggers."
7. You've fallen into a pursuer-distancer pattern
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This is one of the main causes of divorce. Over time, the pursuer-distancer pattern — where one of you is always chasing, and the other always pulls away — erodes the love and trust between you by creating more distance. When you lack the emotional and tactile intimacy that comes from being in harmony with each other, the relationship suffers. And the divide grows.
8. When you disagree, you seldom resolve your differences
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You fall into the trap of blaming each other and fail to compromise or apologize. As a result, you experience less warmth and closeness. What are the best ways to break the negative pattern of relating that can lead to the demise of your relationship? First of all, it's important to become conscious of your expectations.
Researcher Dr. Brené Brown suggests, "The fastest way for an expectation to morph into shame or resentment is for it to go unnoticed." Dr. Brown also recommends that we drop prerequisites for feeling worthy based on conditions, such as having our partner's approval or a perfect relationship.
Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW, is a licensed clinical social worker with extensive experience in counseling and writing.
