11 Ways A Narcissistic Woman Gaslights Her Whole Family
BearFotos | Shutterstock Guilt revolves around a sense of self-doubt in victims, according to a study from Personality and Social Psychology Review. The more successful a manipulative person is in gaslighting others, the more their victims question themselves and give up their personal sense of control. Whether it's subtle phrases like "you're so dramatic" or behaviors like trying to change a narrative, there are many ways narcissistic people grasp at control to cope with their own deep-seated insecurities.
While women are often less considered in the context of manipulation, especially because they historically get away with it more easily, there are certain ways a narcissistic woman gaslights her whole family. Usually, leveraging traditional family expectations and her knowledge of her family's shortcomings plays a role, but gaslighting and changing the narrative follow up as a close second.
Here are 11 ways a narcissistic woman gaslights her whole family
1. She tries to control the narrative
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From blame-shifting in the face of being "called out" to changing someone's memory of the past to assert their own narrative, these are some of the common ways a narcissistic woman gaslights her whole family. She cares more about making herself the center of attention and protecting her ability to control others than supporting and emotionally showing up for her family.
This is why narcissistic people often refuse to take accountability for their mistakes and faults. They deflect, get defensive, and change the past, all to run from mistakes they perceive to be detrimental to their self-image.
2. She hides cruelty with humor
Whether it's disguising her passive-aggressiveness with humor or using phrases like "I was just joking" to avoid taking accountability when they hurt people, these are some of the ways a narcissistic woman gaslights her whole family. She disguises her cruelty with humor, invalidating how hurt people around her feel and protecting her misguided sense of superiority.
Depending on what they're using, from wit to sarcasm, the outcomes can be wildly different for their victims, as a study from Europe's Journal of Psychology explains. Regardless, it changes reality and makes people feel "crazy" for simply expressing their concerns and hurt.
3. She tries to confuse everyone
By creating chaos, telling lies, and making everyone around them experience more self-doubt, narcissistic women can easily manipulate others. The more insecure and unsure someone is, the more vulnerable they are to being taken advantage of, either because they don't know what's wrong or they don't know how to stand up for themselves.
One way narcissistic women do this is by creating a "double bind," as psychologist Jonice Webb explains, where they send conflicting messages and regularly change their story, so they have the power to punish and manipulate no matter what other people do.
4. She pits people against each other
By pitting siblings against each other for her love or causing tension and conflict in relationships that don't involve her, narcissistic women can gain control by sparking chaos. They can weaponize people against each other, get on someone's "good side," and spark conflict that they can quickly clean up for validation and loyalty.
Considering that narcissists also work best when their victims are most vulnerable, creating this kind of chaos at home gives them the perfect chance to manipulate and gaslight without much accountability.
5. She over-intellectualizes concerns
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By using overly complex, entirely unnecessary language to address people's concerns, narcissistic women can make other people feel too "dumb" to understand things. She'll simultaneously dismiss their emotions and invalidate their concerns by intellectualizing everything, often in ways that protect her innocence and sense of chronic victimhood.
She refuses to be wrong, so of course she's willing to do whatever it takes to control the narrative — even if that means making other people feel doubtful about their own experiences and changing the way they think about their concerns.
6. She's only supportive in public
Many narcissistic people weaponize things like love and attention, which many people are constantly yearning for from them, to seem like better people in public spaces. They prefer to be supportive when other people are around to witness their kindness. They want something in return for spending their energy on others — it's essentially conditional empathy.
As psychologist Mark Travers explains, kindness should stem from positive intentions to support people or grow relationships — it shouldn't be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
7. She makes herself irreplaceable
By telling everyone that the "family would fall apart" without her and framing herself as an irreplaceable part of the family unit, narcissistic women and mothers make people feel pressured to tolerate misbehavior. The more a woman tries to solidify her power in the relationship, the more out of control and vulnerable everyone else feels.
Especially considering people tend to be most vulnerable to narcissistic people when their insecurities and pitfalls are in view, their families suffer the more they open up and accept this role.
8. She tests people's loyalty
Narcissists often have weak egos and a fragile sense of self. According to psychologist Leon F. Seltzer, instead of leaning on personal growth and confidence to uplift that inner insecurity, they rely on other people for attention, validation, and unconditional loyalty. That's where "loyalty tests" come in — to make sure they have control over others and to reassure that foundation of security, they test how loyal their families are.
Whether it's pretending to be upset about something or exaggerating a personal struggle, they carefully watch, assess, and weaponize people's responses. They punish people who aren't overstepping boundaries and putting their needs aside to reassure them.
9. She demonizes people's boundaries
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Instead of respecting people's boundaries and being appreciative of the empowerment in their families, narcissistic women will regularly overstep. Not only do they overstep boundaries, but they also make people feel guilty for standing up for themselves, and often use phrases like "after everything I've done for you" to gaslight them into tolerating misbehavior.
While these women may act innocent or weaponize ignorance to get out of taking accountability, the key to handling a narcissist is to stand your ground, no matter the misleading narrative or role they try to cling to.
10. She equates love with control
Weaving controlling behaviors and attitudes into their definition of love is one of the many ways a narcissistic woman gaslights her whole family into tolerating her manipulation. Instead of being unconditionally affectionate or loving, they try to control everyone and exert their misguided superiority, masked as "care" or "love."
She makes people feel like her manipulative habits are out of love, even when they're clearly wrapped up in her own need for control.
11. She denies hurting people
From avoiding accountability when her family expresses their concerns or using phrases like "that never happened" to change the narrative of the past, these are some of the ways a narcissistic woman gaslights her whole family.
While their tendency to revisit the past is often a way to manipulate people's confidence in standing up for themselves and to change the narrative, experts like psychology expert Kristy Lee Parkin suggest it's also a way for narcissistic people to comfort themselves. They change history to ensure they feel important, admired, and validated, even if, in reality, that isn't the truth.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
