12 Gross Signs Someone’s Playing The Victim Just To Keep You Hooked
Angling for sympathy with trauma as the bait.
Yuvraj Singh | Unsplash Catfishing, kitten-fishing, woke-fishing, so many lines dangle in the social media ocean. It makes you wonder who the fish are, and who the anglers are, since most of the anglers use some smaller fish to catch you.
Some people really do play the victim card in order to get attention. Research stresses that recognizing the signs of victim mentality, taking responsibility for one's actions, seeking professional help, practicing self-compassion, and focusing on personal growth and resilience are crucial steps towards overcoming this mindset.
For sad-fishing, depression, trauma, and grief are the bait on the hook. We reached out to three relationship experts — therapist Gloria Brame, dating coach Erika Jordan, and life coach Sharon Lynn Wyeth to find out the signs someone's playing a victim to lure you in.
Here are twelve gross signs someone’s playing the victim just to keep you hooked:
1. They seek sympathy before friendship
When you meet someone online and they can't wait to tell you a sad story about themselves, their relationship, or a health issue, they are probably attention seekers. They want to get your sympathy before you know them. Often, there is a hidden motive or someone seriously manipulative behind the tale.
2. They purposely post vague social media updates for attention
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Sharing vague or ambiguous messages that suggest distress without specifying the problem often prompts followers to ask what's wrong.
3. They use an excessive number of emojis
They overuse sad or crying emojis to convey distress in posts or comments, hoping you'll ask them if everything's okay.
4. They use overly dramatic language
They use overly dramatic language or phrases to describe minor inconveniences or common struggles.
5. They constantly seek validation
They consistently post about their emotional state and explicitly ask for likes, comments, or messages of support.
6. They constantly post attention-grabbing photos
They share photos that depict them in a distressed state, such as crying selfies or pictures with sad expressions.
7. They provide unnecessary frequent updates
Posting multiple times a day about their emotional struggles creates a narrative of ongoing and escalating distress.
8. They send cryptic messages
Writing cryptic or mysterious status updates that suggest something is wrong but leave out specific details, encouraging followers to inquire further.
9. They constantly make comparisons
Making comparisons to others who appear to have better lives, often to highlight their feelings of inadequacy or sadness.
10. They respond emotionally to comments
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They promptly and emotionally respond to comments of sympathy or concern, reinforcing the idea of their distress.
11. They consistently display contradictory behavior
Alternating between posts that seek sympathy and posts that show them engaging in positive or fun activities creates a confusing and inconsistent emotional narrative.
12. They need to borrow money from you a lot
It's easy for a scam to be set up using sadfishing as a start to borrow emotional labor before opening your bank account. One of the more popular scams is to pretend to be a resident who has either recently moved in the last two years or who is in the process of moving.
Here's how it goes. They get called back to their home country to do a lucrative job with either really important people, for a really good commission, or a big paycheck. Once overseas, something horrible happens that leaves them broke or close to broke — their money got stolen from the hotel, the taxi driver stole it, the airlines forced them to check their luggage, and their money was in it.
Whatever the reason, a smart person, or one who travels, knows better than to let it occur. They ask you for a temporary loan. Think about this.
Why you? Don't they have any friends or family who could help if the situation were true? How much money is being requested? Is the amount of money being requested realistic for the situation described?
Are they scammers looking to land a payday, or chronically depressed and caught in a cycle of sad-seeking attention, like the mental health epidemic forced attention-seeking behavior to evolve? Sad-seeking by sad-fishing craves the attention that enables depression to fester.
Whether by money or emotional labor, sad fishing takes a toll on those who take the bait, so healthy boundaries are needed if you want to help the sad fish. Chronic depression and other mental health issues can manifest in self-seeking behavior and are serious.
Those who have this experience most likely find sad-fishing by way of a survival need. Co-dependence and enabling won't help them, but authentic social support with healthy boundaries will.
Will Curtis is YourTango's expert editor. Will has over 14 years of experience as an editor covering relationships, spirituality, and human interest topics.
