You Can Tell Someone’s Lying About Being In Love If They Keep Saying These 10 Phrases
mkfilm / Shutterstock There are some people out there who are happily in love, and then there are those who want to appear to be in love despite the fact that they aren’t. Maybe they’re pretending for their own benefit, for their partner’s, or just for general public perception. Whatever their reasoning is, they’re claiming to be in love, but they actually feel very differently.
Therapist Laura Sgro, LCSW, said that this can be an indicator that it’s time to seek help. “I recommend couples therapy to examine each person’s feelings, underlying needs, and expectations of one another with someone who can help mediate communication and help guide you toward potential reconciliation,” she said. If you suspect someone in your life is lying about being in love, whether it’s your own partner or someone else, there are some phrases you can listen for that will clue you in.
You can tell someone’s lying about being in love if they keep saying these 10 phrases
1. ‘We don’t need to label it’
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One of the most obvious signs that someone is not in love, or at least not as attached as they claim to be, is their refusal to put a label on the relationship. If someone were really in love, you would think they would readily call that other person their boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner. Common sense says they would want the whole world to know. A person who refuses to label their relationship probably doesn’t feel very deeply about it.
Relationship therapist Shena Tubbs, MMFT, LPC, CSAT-C, explained, “Labels should be put on the relationship from the beginning … It is so important to be clear from the beginning to avoid any heartbreak, feelings of being used or misled, and to protect the nature of the relationship as you both probably came together because you really liked each other.”
So, really, there’s no excuse not to label your relationship. If someone is avoiding doing so, there’s a chance that they just aren’t comfortable with being exclusive, but there’s also a chance that they just don’t really care as much as they’re pretending to. If someone is lying about being in love, they’ll try to avoid labeling the relationship, because it really doesn’t mean that much to them.
2. ‘I need more time’
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Another phrase someone may use when they’re lying about being in love is “I need more time.” It is, of course, entirely possible that someone feels like a relationship is moving too fast and they need to take a step back. But, if someone is saying they’re in love while also claiming to need more time, it probably means that they want some time and space to consider the relationship and the path forward that they see.
This signals a lack of commitment in the relationship on that person’s end, which means you probably can’t trust what they’re saying. Philosophy professor Iskra Fileva, PhD, shared, “If we get lucky, as the relationship evolves, we need to rely less and less on indirect evidence of the other’s thoughts and motives. Instead, we can simply accept what the other says to us.”
If a relationship is serious — and it usually is if people are talking about being in love — you should be able to trust what that other person is saying to you. When they’re making vague comments like “I need more time,” it leaves you completely unsure and insecure in the relationship. Clearly, they’re trying to dodge the issue at hand.
3. ‘Why do we need to talk about it again’
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Someone who is lying about being in love may turn the tables on their partner and ask why they need to discuss something once again. Whatever the other person wants to talk about is probably very important and central to their relationship, but they’re avoiding it because they don’t want to have a serious conversation about their relationship, or lack thereof.
Psychotherapist F. Diane Barth, LCSW, said that avoiding communication like this can be troubling. “Not talking can represent unconscious conflicts about intimacy,” she said. “It’s often hard to believe that someone we love and care about has anxiety about being close to us or that we have anxiety about being close to them. But many of us struggle on a deep, unconscious level with such conflicts.”
Struggling with communication in your relationship doesn’t automatically mean that your partner is lying about being in love, but it is one possibility. Someone may be trying to block communication in their relationship because they are trying to avoid any sense of closeness with their partner. And, if they’re lying about being in love, of course, they wouldn’t want to be close to that person.
4. ‘I’m not good at talking about my feelings’
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If someone is lying about being in love, they’re really not going to want to talk about it. They don’t want to get caught in the lie, and chances are they don’t want to break their partner’s heart either. An excuse they might use could be that they just aren’t good at talking about their feelings. This is true for plenty of people, after all. But when you’re lying about being in love, it goes a bit deeper.
Marriage and family therapist Shari Foos said, “Vulnerability is when a person willingly takes the risk to reveal their emotions and weaknesses. This emotional openness is essential in all healthy relationships, as it paves the way for deeper understanding and evokes the empathy necessary for healthy long-term relationships.”
Even if someone feels like they aren’t particularly good at talking about their feelings, or if they are uncomfortable doing so, it’s still necessary for a relationship to thrive. Everyone must make compromises for a relationship to work, and for some people, that means opening up even though vulnerability makes them uncomfortable. If someone completely refuses to do so, there’s a chance that they’re really just lying about being in love and don’t hold the relationship in very high regard.
5. ‘I don’t want to rush things’
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Someone who is just faking being in love might accuse their partner of rushing things in their relationship. They’ll say that they want to take things at a slower pace, even though it makes no sense to do so if they’re really in love. Whenever they need an excuse for why they aren’t ready to take the next step in the relationship, they’ll simply argue that they don’t want to rush it.
Therapist Maria Baratta, PhD, LCSW, said that there are benefits to moving slowly in a relationship. “By trying to skip getting to know each other, you omit information that will eventually come out at a point of sometimes no return,” she said. “Learning about the other is a process best accomplished with patience and calm and sets the groundwork and creates the foundation of the relationship.”
Of course, you don’t want to truly rush a relationship, even when it feels like everything is perfect. Slow and steady wins the race, right? However, someone who is lying about being in love will purposefully move the relationship along at a snail’s pace so they don’t have to commit to anything more serious or expose the lie that they aren’t really in love.
6. ‘I love the idea of us’
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As you will notice, this phrase doesn’t actually mean that someone is saying “I love you.” It may sound like that, and someone who really wants a relationship to work may even be willing to twist it around that way in their head. But someone who says this is making a very important distinction about what it is they love. They think the relationship is a great idea, but they’re not admitting to being in love.
Counselor and relationship expert Heather Mayone explained that saying “I love you” is a weighty thing. “True love is something that comes only with a beautiful mix of chemistry and closeness and intimacy,” she said. “Once a person falls in love, they don’t fall so easily out of love. Saying ‘I love you’ means ‘I’m not going anywhere’ (at least, not any time soon).”
Some people tend to throw around the phrase “I love you” all the time, but to many people, it means something much deeper and more serious. It makes sense that someone wouldn’t want to say it unless they were truly feeling it. However, avoiding it when you claim to be in love is a bit strange. Someone can’t just love the idea of a relationship when they’re in love; they have to love that other person.
7. ‘Why are you making this a big deal’
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Another question someone who’s lying about being in love might bring up to their partner is “Why are you making this a big deal?” There are a myriad of reasons they could ask this question. Maybe their partner wants to know why they aren’t acting like they’re in love, or maybe their partner has picked up on some other strange phrases coming from them. Whatever the reason is, that person will accuse their partner of blowing everything out of proportion.
This provides the perfect opportunity for someone to accuse their partner of emotional dysregulation. According to clinical psychologist Arlin Cuncic, MA, this is defined as “problems regulating emotional responses, which can result in reactions that seem intense, prolonged, or out of proportion to the situation.”
Obviously, this person’s partner has no actual issues with their emotional regulation. But if someone is desperate to maintain the lie that they’re in love, they may manipulate them into thinking that, or at least attempt to. This is obviously very wrong, but if they’re already lying about being in love, that might not really bother them.
8. ‘I’m not ready to commit’
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Maybe someone says they’re in love, but they also say that they aren’t ready to commit to the relationship. That’s definitely sending mixed signals. You would think that if someone were truly feeling love, they would be ready to commit. After all, if they aren’t committing, you don’t really have much of a relationship, do you?
According to clinical psychologist Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, this kind of lack of consistency could mean that you’re not really in a relationship but a situationship. Dr. Romanoff described a situationship as a relationship in which there is no commitment.
Of course, if someone thinks they’re in love, then they would definitely think they’re in a relationship. However, if the other person doesn’t feel the same, then they’re probably lying, and it’s not really as much of a relationship as they might believe. This can be hard to accept and hurtful, but it’s better to find out now rather than later.
9. ‘You’re overthinking things’
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Someone who is lying about being in love would be very likely to say that their partner is just overthinking the situation. They would obviously want to keep attention off the fact that they’re lying and not make their partner any more suspicious than they already are, so they’ll put it back on them and say their reaction is over-the-top. Of course, it can be hurtful to hear your partner tell you that you’re overthinking.
Therapist Alicia Muñoz said that overthinking in a relationship is not uncommon. “Reflexive, negative thoughts fueled by anxiety multiply,” she said. “They may even become thought-pinwheels, spinning into what psychologists call rumination. Your ruminative thoughts distort your perceptions of your mate. Over time, as the distortions build into stories about the other person, you stop opening up, relating directly, and sharing yourself.”
So, it is entirely possible to overthink your relationship. But if someone is lying about being in love and accuses their partner of overthinking the relationship to cover it up, there’s a good chance that they aren’t overthinking at all. Instead, they probably just want answers about the relationship that seems to be spiraling out of control.
10. ‘You deserve the best’
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One final phrase you may hear someone use when they’re lying about being in love is “you deserve the best.” On the surface, this sounds like a great compliment for their partner, but it may actually hold a deeper meaning. By saying their partner deserves the best, they could very well be implying that they deserve better than them. And, of course, if they’re lying about being in love, they’re very likely right.
Mental health writer Candis McDow stated, “Having a partner who won’t give up and is committed to continuing to try their best is wonderful. However, it is also important to acknowledge and be honest about whether the differences are too great to overcome such as major differences in values and life visions.”
Chances are, if a person thinks someone loves them, they’ll do everything they can to fight to make the relationship work. But it may just not be worth it. If they’re lying about being in love, they don’t really have that person’s best interests at heart. Without complete honesty, there’s no way the relationship can work. Hearing “you deserve the best” may be a sign that it’s time to move on.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
