If You Notice These 11 Things About A Couple, They're Likely Not Intimate Anymore
StockPhotoDirectors | Shutterstock Even though they're usually pitted at two different points on the spectrum of romantic love, according to a study from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, emotional connection and physical intimacy are inherently interconnected. Without one, it's incredibly challenging to make space for the other, which is why seemingly subtle shifts in communication, trust, and support can lead to a loss of physical affection and touch.
So, even if you're not living in the same home and witnessing their most intimate moments, if you notice these things about a couple, they're likely not intimate anymore. From sitting facing away from each other in public to speaking negatively behind the other's back, the signs are often there, even if we're not paying attention.
If you notice these 11 things about a couple, they're likely not intimate anymore
1. They avoid casual touch
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Of course, couples who leverage intimate moments for physical affection, like cuddling in bed before falling asleep, often experience greater relationship satisfaction, but casual moments are just as impactful. From holding hands in public to hugging before leaving parties, these are facets of intimacy that disconnected couples lack.
So, if you notice distance between a couple in a public space or a clear lack of physical touch around others, they're likely not intimate anymore at home, either.
2. They're always on their phones
Whether it's a form of avoidance in the face of quality time or a distraction for discomfort around their partner, phone usage can be a sign that a couple isn't intimate anymore. They're the inanimate objects that often cause the most harm to marriages, largely because they create a buffer between connection and intimacy.
Couples are always relying on them for a quick fix or distraction, even when physical touch and hard conversations are what they need to rebuild the spark.
3. Their physical touch feels awkward when it does happen
If you notice that a couple's physical touch feels forced and awkward when it does happen, they're likely not intimate anymore.
They're holding hands or hugging in public to push a certain narrative or meet an expectation for how they feel they should present to others, but when they're at home alone together, that pressure doesn't exist.
4. Their conversations feel logistical
If a married couple's conversations and interactions feel more like a business transaction than an intimate relationship, chances are they're not intimate anymore. Of course, many couples go through natural "roommate phases," but living in this space of logistics without pillars of romantic love can dull their spark.
They're more focused on the household, schedule, or routine to think about checking in or making space for affection, even if it comes at the expense of long-term happiness and well-being.
5. They have separate routines
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If a couple is more focused on maintaining their own routine, often at the expense of quality time and connection with their partners, that could be a sign that they're lacking intimacy.
Even if it's something as seemingly casual as going to bed at different times and engaging in different nighttime routines, this can spark disconnection. As a study from the Journal of Sleep Research suggests, couples who go to bed at the same time and have that added layer of connection before falling asleep are more satisfied, connected, rested, and happy.
6. They don't flirt
According to relationship expert Sarah Hunter Murray, flirting isn't just the way to open up and start a new relationship — it plays an influential role in maintaining long-term marital satisfaction. So, if you notice that couples avoid compliments and flirting around each other, chances are they're not intimate anymore in any sense.
While we often focus on intimacy around romantic touch and affection, it's just as rooted in verbal expressions of love, flirting, and communication. So, if you notice these things about a couple, they could be red flags that they're feeling disconnected.
7. They leverage humor in misguided ways
According to a study from UC Berkeley, humor tends to replace bitterness and arguments as couples get older, sometimes making space for better communication, understanding, and acceptance. However, if a couple is using humor as a way to disguise their resentment, tension or anger, it can have opposing effects.
From using "it's just a joke" as a gaslighting excuse to harm their partner to leaning on sarcasm to make fun without consequences, if you notice these things about a couple, they're likely not intimate anymore.
8. They avoid deep conversations
According to a study from the Journal of Marriage and Family, communication between partners is often a predictor of long-term relationship satisfaction and happiness. If a couple forms healthy conflict-resolution strategies, feels safe to express themselves, and knows how to emotionally support one another, they're set up for success.
However, if a couple avoids moments to practice hard conversations and leans away from deep communication, they may be struggling with intimacy and connection. They're forced to bottle up their emotions and hide from discomfort, often at the expense of casual romantic connection, trust, and intimacy.
9. They talk poorly behind each other's backs
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If a couple regularly talks poorly behind their partner's back and finds ways to "jab" at them when they're not around, chances are they're likely not intimate or happy anymore.
They're always venting about an issue and expressing concerns, often without bringing them up to resolve with their partners at home. Of course, talking to friends and family about your relationship isn't inherently bad, but if the concerns are never making their way back to their partner to be resolved, it's unproductive.
10. They aren't curious about each other
Whether it's a passing curiosity about changes in appearance or a coldness when speaking about the other's personal interests, if a couple is clearly not curious anymore in their relationships, they're likely not intimate at all.
They don't care to maintain the spark of romance or connection, so when they're around other people, it's often obvious that they're disconnected on another level. Of course, shared interests are important for couples, but an interest in the differences is just as powerful.
11. They stop checking in emotionally
Couples can naturally drift apart over time if they're not intentional about doing "the work," checking in with each other, and resolving issues as they come up. The longer a couple goes without reconnecting, and the more separated their casual, daily lives become, the less intimacy and romantic love they cultivate at home.
According to marriage experts Linda and Charlie Bloom, even small, scheduled, daily conversations to check in with your partner can ease this disconnection. Even if they seem silly or obvious, carving out intentional time to come back together is essential to a long-term partnership.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
