The Art Of Being A Decent Parent: 4 Simple Habits Of Genuinely Decent Parents
kate_sept2004 | Canva A parent who shows up consistently, physically and emotionally, is a core necessity for raising a well-balanced human being. Nutritious food, access to clean water, adequate health care, shelter, clothing, and education are all vital to life. It is how we survive. Yet, there is a significant difference between providing for survival and preparing a future adult to function in the real world.
Genuinely decent parents understand this balance. They know the importance of providing for physical survival as well as emotional growth, which are both critical elements needed if a child is going to thrive in a rapidly changing world.
Here are 4 simple habits of genuinely decent parents:
1. They show unconditional love
With so much having changed in the last ten years, there's no doubt your life has been turned upside-down a few times already, suggests life and relationship coach Ellen Kamaras. This has also happened in the lives of your children. Amidst constant change, unconditional love gives children a deep sense of safety. When kids know they're loved not just for their achievement or obedience, but for who they are, they feel secure enough to make mistakes and grow into themselves.
2. They let their kids make mistakes
Freeograph via Shutterstock
Therapist Dr. Gloria Brame, Ph.D., says that a genuinely decent parent allows their children to struggle and make mistakes instead of constantly swooping in to fix everything. They understand how resilience comes from learning to handle disappointment, solve problems independently, and accept responsibility for their choices.
At the same time, the children know that when they cannot resolve a problem on their own, they can count on their parents to have their backs. Whether it's showing them tips or techniques to complete tasks, or giving them wise counsel on how to handle life, relationships, and school.
Decent parents don't get emotionally enmeshed with their children, either. They maintain appropriate parent/child boundaries and view their children as people they are committed to protecting. They don't project their needs onto them, don't ridicule them, try not to unnecessarily control them or their friend groups, and don't parentify them. They step in when needed, but encourage their children to grow up strong and self-confident, so they can handle whatever life deals them.
3. They respond rather than react
Genuinely decent parents remain calm to respond rather than react. When you think of helping children express their feelings, you might think of anger or frustration, often showing in the form of meltdowns, points out parenting coach Judith Pinto. But there are other "big" feelings, too, and if parents don't help kids process and express them, they may struggle with emotions into adulthood.
Parents who raise emotionally healthy kids know what emotional expressions are likely to trigger their own discomfort. As a result, they’re more aware of their discomfort in these moments and more willing to explore how to find calming strategies that work. Deliberately practicing staying calm and curious gives children permission and "space" to express their feelings as they need to.
4. They admit their mistakes
fizkes via Shutterstock
Psychologist Aline P. Zoldbrod, Ph.D., explains how a genuinely decent parent can admit wrongs and injuries done to others, including their child. They will model forgiveness through words, as well as actions, to make bids for repair. This is not an easy thing for most of us to do, but the effects of admitting you are wrong can be profound for the injured person.
We all learn to trust, or not to trust, in our families of origin. Few things affect a child’s development more than learning that it is safe to trust others. Without having learned trust, relationships with others are fragile or nonexistent.
- We learn not to believe what others say and do
- “Only an idiot” would cooperate in any task
- You must always look out for yourself first and foremost
- It is not safe to share ideas
- It is not safe to ever share vulnerable feelings
- We learn that it is not safe to share our bodies.
A parent who can apologize and make repairs with a child creates a child who feels safe in the world on a cellular level. Unless this is explored and healed in adulthood, the person whose parent could never repair goes through life always on alert for danger.
Will Curtis is YourTango's expert editor. Will has over 14 years of experience as an editor covering relationships, spirituality, and human interest topics.
