People Who'd Rather Spend The Holidays With Friends Than Family Usually Have These 11 Reasons
Sometimes, blood is not thicker than water. Especially when it comes to the holidays.
Drazen Zigic / Shutterstock When the holidays roll around, many people look forward to seeing their families. However, family dynamics are not safe, nor are they healthy, for everyone. We have all been through things growing up. For some, the trauma of their childhood can prevent them from seeing their family even during the holidays. Instead, they’d rather spend time with their friends.
I have a close bond with my family, but I still consider my friends to be on the same level. They are people I feel safe around, and spending time with them during the holidays feels special. However, for those who deal with family struggles, spending the holidays with their friends is their only option. They prefer to be with them because they can truly be themselves. They feel supported and look forward to being in their presence. Family dynamics are complicated, but for some, their friends are more like family anyway.
People who'd rather spend the holidays with friends than family usually have these 11 reasons
1. There is no pressure
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I love my family, but I will be the first to say big family holidays are stressful. You are expected to show up, look good, and have a positive mindset. I’ll be honest, sometimes the whole situation is overwhelming. It feels like a lot of pressure. Those who are looking to ditch the holiday stress would rather spend the holidays with their friends than their family.
Conversations around the dinner table are stressful. Preparing food and showing up on time can feel overwhelming. If your family puts a lot of pressure on showing up and showing out, it can make the holidays feel daunting. There is no enjoyment when the stakes are so high. Some will choose to spend time with their friends, where they can relax instead of putting on a show.
2. They can truly be themselves
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It can be hard to be yourself around your family. Sometimes, a difference in opinion over certain things can cause tension to rise. If members of their family ‘disagree’ with some of their choices, they may feel like they have to wear a mask when around them. Sitting around a dinner table will negatively impact their mental health. Instead, they will opt to spend the holidays with their friends who know them and accept them. They can be themselves with ease.
“When you don’t share values or lifestyles with your family, it could lead to feeling disconnected. It may also cause tension and lead you to spend less time together due to the differences,” says Saya Des Marais, MSW. “When communication is lacking, you’ll likely feel like you’re not close to your family, causing you to drift apart. Feeling uncomfortable to openly communicate with loved ones can also create distance between you and a family member.”
3. They feel closer to their chosen family
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Let’s face it, sometimes families stray from one another. Or, the relationship is surface-level. They don’t feel like they actually know their family members, or that their family members truly know them. It can be frustrating to spend time with people you are not close to. Some people will assume they have to put themselves through uncomfortable moments when, in reality, they can choose to spend time with their chosen family instead.
People who have a close bond with their friend group can feel more like family than their own flesh and blood. There is an acceptance and understanding that comes from a group of close friends. They know you inside and out. When someone chooses to spend the holidays with their friends, it’s because they feel closer to them. They don’t feel uncomfortable around them.
4. They prefer a less traditional celebration
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Family traditions can feel stuffy. It can be hard to enjoy them when you don’t feel attached to them. Aside from being under a lot of pressure, they can also be uncomfortable. As we get older, we may change our minds about the things our families do for the holidays. Maybe it just doesn’t fit our beliefs anymore, or we’d rather spend the holidays in a less rigid environment. Old traditions can feel uptight. Celebrating with friends instead of family can feel like a more loose, less traditional experience.
“We tell ourselves — or are told by others if we dare to share — that hating holidays is disrespectful, unappreciative, unholy, ungrateful, pretentious, different-for-the-sake-of-difference, nasty, cheap. We tell ourselves — or are told by others — that we will regret our drama-queeny pointless malice someday when we are destitute, friendless, ill,” says journalist S. Rufus. People who feel this way will choose to spend time away from their families and with their friends instead. Avoiding traditions can help them get over this feeling.
5. They want to avoid uncomfortable questions
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We have all been there. We’re sitting around the dinner table at a holiday celebration, and the unthinkable happens: Grandma asks us when we are going to have children. Why aren’t we married yet? Are we going to be alone forever? What do we actually want for our future?
If those examples gave you devastating flashbacks, you’ll understand why some people choose to spend their holidays away from their families. With their friends, they know each other well. They understand what the other wants to talk about. There are no uncomfortable conversations. Instead, they can truly enjoy each other’s company.
6. They can skip the politics
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What is more uncomfortable than your uncle with controversial opinions asking you who you voted for at the dinner table? You can almost always count on your extended family to bring up things like politics or religion at a holiday celebration. Why do they think this is a good idea? Especially when they know values differ amongst the family? People who choose to spend the holidays with their friends instead of family likely share the same ideology and can avoid the awkward and even offensive political commentary from their relatives.
“The same survey found that half of those surveyed hope to avoid discussing politics with friends and family at Thanksgiving dinner,” reported George Stockburger regarding a study conducted by Emerson College. “Thirty-three percent said they are looking forward to discussing politics, while 16% said they would not be spending the holiday with friends or family.”
7. They feel more appreciated
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Spending time with family can feel like an obligation. Since they expect you to show up, they often don’t give appreciation. A lot of us make sacrifices, from missing work to flying across the country, to attend family holiday events. When you don’t feel appreciated, it can be unenjoyable to be there. When our family doesn’t act happy to see us or appreciate the effort put into visiting, it can make spending time with them difficult.
For people who feel that way, they will choose to spend the holidays with their friends rather than their family. They know that their presence is appreciated, not expected. They know their friends value their time. It feels like a mutual appreciation instead of an obligation. For these people, this is what works best for them during the holidays.
8. They don’t want memories of painful holidays from the past
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Unfortunately, some people have negative memories associated with the holidays. I know I have experienced pain during the season that has impacted how I choose to celebrate. When someone has a hard time with the holidays, they may choose to spend time with those with whom they do not have painful memories attached. Friends can be more supportive and understanding, making the holidays feel safe instead of upsetting.
“Regardless of how others respond to your trauma, please know that your trauma responses are valid. Rather than forcing yourself through the holidays, prioritize your mental health, set your limits, take care of yourself, and advocate for your needs,” says Duygu Balan, LPCC. “Remember that you are not obligated to put yourself in any traumatizing situation.”
9. There is no arguing
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Sadly, big family gatherings can lead to arguments. A large group of personalities with complicated pasts can bring out the worst in one another. Let’s face it, we have all dealt with family drama. Whether it’s our parents fighting with their siblings or us fighting with our own siblings, the tension can be uncomfortable. It’s difficult to diffuse the situation once everyone throws in their two cents. It’s an uncomfortable setting to be in.
Those who choose to spend holidays with their friends instead of their families may do so because they want to avoid unnecessary arguments. Likely, this group of friends is close. They have similar ideologies and backgrounds. They aren’t going to pick a fight with one another over dinner and celebrations. If a family is prone to holiday bickering, you might be inspired to spend the holidays elsewhere.
10. They feel more at home with friends
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We should always feel comfortable with our family members. Unfortunately, that is not always the case with some. High pressure, family tension, and overwhelming traditions can make spending time together uncomfortable. Instead, they may feel more at home with their friends who love them for who they are.
“For quite a few of us, happiness does not mean spending time with family and finding relevance in unpleasant tasks like chores or caretaking duties,” says Sharat Misra on Medium. “People don’t shy in admitting that they usually feel higher sense of well being once they find themselves surrounded by friends and laze around; rather they do when in comforting nearness of their companion or kids.”
11. The tradition brings them joy
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Over time, people who choose to spend their holidays with friends over family may form their own traditions. If family traditions feel overwhelming, they will choose not to participate. Instead, they will start their own with their friends. These traditions are more low-key and feel like fun rather than stress. It can be as simple as eating the same food or playing the same game after dinner. Whatever you do with your chosen family matters and can make the holidays more enjoyable.
Maybe instead of dressing up like family expects, you all agree to wear pajamas to dinner. After eating, you gather around the TV to watch your favorite holiday movie. This is a relaxing tradition. Some family routines can be exhausting. People who choose to spend the holidays with their friends look forward to relaxing and hanging out, not being held to stressful obligations.
Haley Van Horn is a freelance writer with a master’s degree in Humanities, living in Los Angeles. Her focus includes entertainment and lifestyle stories.
