'Enough Is Enough' — Why We Finally Stopped Pretending The Holidays Were 'Fine' With Family
After years of forced smiles and silent tensions, we chose honesty over obligation.
svetikd | Canva When we first married, we had between us four parents, four grandparents, three siblings (plus their spouses), and two nieces. Not to mention eight sets of aunts and uncles and two special great-aunts.
The holidays were madness. December was a blur of family parties. There were also family gatherings throughout the year for every major and non-major holiday.
We ran around like lunatics trying to get to two or three or even four events on the major holidays, so that no one was left out. After we had children, it became even harder to navigate the constant merry-go-round of events, which interfered with naptimes and disrupted our hard-won family routines.
According to a survey of 1,000 U.S. adults, 63% claimed that the holiday season is more stressful to them than tax season, with the overwhelming challenge of balancing work, family, finances, and everyday obligations while fitting in festive events. The pressure to create holiday magic often results in families overspending, stressing about organizing or attending multiple events, and feeling external pressure to come together even when relationships are strained or conflicted.
Why we finally stopped pretending the holidays were 'fine' with family
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The year I was pregnant with our first baby, I caught a terrible stomach virus at a pre-Thanksgiving dinner (yes, there were even pre-Thanksgiving dinners) from people who thoughtlessly came sick, which left me too sick to go to the real Thanksgiving dinner.
So we stayed home. Alone. Too sick to cook or eat much, we nibbled on store-bought dinner rolls and basked in the silence. We didn't have to dress up, drive anywhere, make conversation, or eat other people's bad food. It was heaven.
A few years later, when the whirlwind of children complicated the scene, we fondly looked back on that quiet Thanksgiving. "I want just one holiday to ourselves," my husband announced.
We mulled it over and decided to take back Thanksgiving.
We explained to everyone that we wouldn't be coming to the family dinners, but they would all see us in just a few short weeks once the December schedule of events began.
I bought a small turkey and made all the favorites we craved, which no one ever served us. No more oyster stuffing, fennel soup, or blueberry pie on Thanksgiving for us.
We went back to the basics and reveled in turkey, plain stuffing, mashed potatoes, and pumpkin pie. It was a wonderful, quiet day at home for the two of us to enjoy each other's company (and that of our young daughter). We felt relaxed, recharged, and ready to face the coming holiday madness.
A quiet, at-home Thanksgiving has continued to be our tradition for the past 16 years. An afternoon walk in the woods while the turkey cooks builds our appetite and gives us time to enjoy the silence together, or to chat comfortably.
We hang around the house in sweats and watch the parade and the dog show together, with the kids coming in and out. I'm in charge of the food, and my husband handles the carving. Now that our kids are older, we use good china to make it even more special.
Thanksgiving has become the kick-off to a couple's weekend for us. The rest of the weekend, we put all the Christmas decorations up (always a challenge to marital harmony). The kids are in and out, heading out with friends and helping occasionally.
It's the one weekend a year when we focus just on us, and on our immediate nuclear family.
I always feel so close to my husband by the end of the weekend. Although surviving the stress of putting up the decorations is one explanation for our renewed bond, I think it has more to do with the fact that we've claimed a holiday as our own.
Research confirms that what also matters is how that time is spent and the quality of it, with higher quality interactions associated with greater well-being and success. Without the stress of racing from event to event, you allow the opportunity to actually be present for the conversations, the laughter, and the moments that make holidays memorable in the first place.
Brette Sember B.A., J.D., is an editor, author, freelancer, ghostwriter, book coach, content expert, and consultant with 25+ years of experience. She is the author or co-author of more than 50 books.
