If Your Parents Use These 11 Phrases, They're Likely Not Very Good People
They care more about themselves than anyone else.
PeopleImages | Shutterstock While being “a bad person” is morally subjective and often dependent on the environment and people around, there are some basic standards many of us agree on. From emotional manipulation to active cruelty, you probably know someone in your life who you’d deem as “bad” — and for some, it’s their very own parent.
People who are self-aware enough to understand their hurtful behaviors, but still choose to leverage their emotional intelligence to manipulate people, are often what we consider to be “bad.” They’re conscious of hurting others and being morally questionable, even if they’ve also adopted the role of friend, partner, or parent. While the “red flags” are subtle, conversational things like “you’re so dramatic” or “you’re too young to understand” are key. So, if your parents use these phrases, they’re likely not very good people.
If your parents use these 11 phrases, they’re likely not very good people
1. ‘I gave you everything you needed’
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If a transactional parent tries to take advantage of you with a phrase like this, suggesting that “a roof over your head” and “food on the table” as a child deserves to be repaid as an adult, chances are they’re not a very good person. Not only are transactional relationship perspectives often rooted in entitlement, but someone may try to overstep your boundaries and manipulate you by using guilt to their advantage.
Whether it’s only reaching out when they need something or trying to make you feel guilty for not meeting their every need, sometimes having transactional parents requires strong boundaries and space to tolerate.
2. ‘You’re too young to understand’
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According to relationship specialist and coach Annie Tanasugarn, feeling invalidated for being your authentic self or having your emotions discounted as a child by your parents can often lead to a strained relationship and mental health concerns as an adult. However, if your parents' behaviors never change, and you continue to hear things like “you’re too young to understand” as an adult, chances are you’re still grappling with your parents’ cruelty.
Of course, some parents who are perfectly good people with good intentions may struggle to accept that their kids have grown into adult, autonomous people, but for those who actively infantilize their kids and make them feel less independent for their own benefit, that could be a sign that they’re bad people.
They care more about protecting their own innocence, avoiding accountability, and safeguarding their narrative than making a safe space for their kids to be themselves.
3. ‘You’re so dramatic’
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Even though it tends to be subtle and unsuspecting, gaslighting is often a form of emotional manipulation that makes people feel more insecure and less supported. It’s intended to make people around them feel “crazy” and doubtful of themselves, largely to assist a manipulator in taking control and bolstering their own sense of internal security.
Of course, these gaslighting behaviors are often associated with narcissistic people who operate from a place of insecurity, so it’s not necessarily a blatant sign of a “bad person,” but a troubled one.
4. ‘That didn’t happen’
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When someone refuses to acknowledge childhood trauma as a parent, it doesn’t always make them a “bad person” — in fact, many parents struggle with finding the line between emotional support and accountability when they aren’t on the same page with their kids.
However, if they’re actively invalidating your feelings and making you feel guilty for expressing your emotions, it might be time for some space. You deserve to have loved ones around who, at the very least, create a safe space for honesty and vulnerability, even when they don’t necessarily agree.
5. ‘I don’t care about what you want’
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Any kind of blatant disrespect or disregard for your needs could be a sign that your parents are not very good people. They care more about themselves than meeting their adult kids’ basic needs, whether that’s respecting their boundaries or making space for them to express their emotions.
At family gatherings and dinners, they only ever talk about themselves, and when they’re called out for their selfishness or emotional invalidation, they rely on phrases like “I don’t care about what you want” to set the record straight.
6. ‘Stop making me look bad’
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Many adult children of narcissistic parents are naturally avoidant, insecure, and mentally ill because of the home life they were subjected to growing up. As adults, they have the power to set boundaries and create distance to protect themselves, but often still hear phrases like “stop making me look bad” when they’re “forced” into spending time together.
They feel constantly pressured to fit a mold of what their parents wish they had — whether that’s on social media, at a family holiday event, or around their friends. It’s clear, at every turn, that their parents don’t respect their authenticity and would prefer they play the role of “the perfect child” than talk about the things they actually enjoy and feel.
7. ‘You wouldn’t survive without me’
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When parents threaten to withhold their financial support or place transactional expectations on basic expressions of love, that could be a sign that they’re not actually very good people. They use phrases like “you wouldn’t survive without me” or “After everything we’ve done for you?” to guilt their kids into doing what they want, often at the expense of their kids’ well-being and their parent-child relationship.
They make you “work” for the bare minimum, whether that’s respect, a foundation of trust, or basic affection that everyone needs to feel safe and secure in their relationships.
8. ‘This is why nobody likes you’
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If your parent uses phrases like this and often weaponizes the vulnerabilities and secrets you’ve shared with them in confidence to get their way, chances are they’re not very good people. Whether it’s stories of old relationships you’ve struggled through or personal flaws you’ve been working on, a parent should never feel empowered to embarrass you with those experiences to feel more personally comfortable or powerful.
It’s classic manipulation — to make someone else feel insecure and smaller, so they’re easier to take advantage of. But with family, your parents, and loved ones, you should feel safe and empowered, not constantly on edge.
9. ‘You think you’re better than us now?’
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If a parent doesn’t agree with your life choices or feels personally insecure that you’re starting your own life without them, chances are they’ll express their discomfort. However, if a parent is questioning you with something like “You think you’re better than us now?” they’re likely more jealous of you than lonely.
According to relationship expert Barton Goldsmith, this kind of parental jealousy isn’t necessarily uncommon. In fact, many parents, whether it’s consciously or not, try to sabotage their adult children’s success to cope with their own feelings of insecurity, loneliness, or inadequacy.
10. ‘You’re such a brat’
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If you feel guilty for not conforming to your parents’ every need and putting your well-being at risk for their comfort, chances are your parents aren’t very good people — or, they’re trying to cope with loneliness that’s changing their behaviors.
“You’re such a brat” is a manifestation of that — parents who believe that their needs come first, and when they’re not met, it’s a personal offense.
11. ‘We don’t talk about that in this house’
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Parents who say things like “we don’t talk about that in this house” often urge their children to make themselves smaller for their personal comfort. They police your voice and invalidate your authenticity, urging you to shape-shift into their “perfect child” when you’re around.
Of course, being pushed into inauthentic identities for the sake of other people isn’t a healthy way to live. Not only does it urge people into a place of low self-esteem, living for validation and acceptance from others, but it also sabotages mental health.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
