People Who Cut Off Family Members Rarely Do It Suddenly, It’s Usually Because Of These 11 Reasons
Certain behaviors have a way of breaking families apart.
M_Agency / Shutterstock Cutting off family members due to repeated negative experiences isn't uncommon. Many individuals who prioritize their mental and emotional well-being will become estranged from their families if they feel they have no choice. So when people cut off family members, they rarely do it suddenly, and they usually have plenty of good reasons.
Growing apart from family is typically a gradual process that results from the relationship consistently having negative impacts on their well-being. At some point, the person has to decide whether the relationship with certain family members is more important than their overall well-being and health.
People who cut off family members rarely do it suddenly, it’s usually because of these 11 reasons
1. Accumulation of unresolved conflicts
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A person will likely not just suddenly cut off their family members without having a good reason for doing so. If they have experienced an accumulation of unresolved conflicts with family members, they may gradually pull away from them and eventually cut them off.
They may consider this a good reason to completely cut off a family member because of the emotional impact it has had on them. If it always leaves them feeling stressed, angry, and anxious, and there is never any healthy communication involved within the relationships, they may decide that it is better for their mental health if they separate themselves from the family members.
This gradually occurs because eventually they will reach a breaking point where they realize the relationship is not capable of being healthy, at least not at that moment. Ilene Strauss Cohen, Ph.D., a psychotherapist, explains that “cutoff is often a response to unresolved emotional conflict and an attempt to create instant relief by removing the source of discomfort.”
2. Emotional abuse
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A person may feel more inclined to gradually cut off family members if they have repeatedly emotionally abused them. Out of a need for self-preservation, they may decide that they no longer need certain family members in their lives and that they should cut off communication with them.
“Cutting ties with your family is difficult — and not what most people want. But sometimes it’s the only way to save your sanity and heal the emotional pain caused by a “toxic” or abusive family,” mentions Dr. Sharon Martin, a psychotherapist who specializes in helping adult children recover from difficult childhoods. Most people cut off family to provide themselves with the self-care they need and deserve.
3. Toxic behaviors
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If a person has had to deal with toxic behaviors from family members for many years, they may get to the point where they decide to cut these people out of their lives. They may gradually do this because they hoped that these behaviors would change, and they could build a healthy relationship with their family, but after realizing that nothing has changed, they will finally choose their well-being over the relationship.
Andrew Roffman, a licensed clinical social worker, describes toxic behaviors as those that completely disregard the well-being and emotional experience of another person. A family member who treats them like this will make them start to believe that their family is not concerned with their mental and emotional health. This only further makes them feel like cutting ties with these family members.
4. Repeated boundary violations
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If a family member repeatedly violates and disrespects a person’s boundaries, they may gradually decide to cut that family member off. They have set boundaries for a reason, and if someone keeps crossing them, they have to cut that person off in order to prioritize their own emotional well-being.
A negative relationship like this is harming their health. They have to decide if having contact with their family member is worth their physical and mental well-being being at risk.
5. Unwillingness to take accountability
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When a family member has time and time again been unwilling to take accountability for their actions, especially when they are in the wrong, a person may decide that it is time to cut off their family member. Gradually, the frustration and exhaustion from them never taking responsibility will begin to emotionally and mentally weigh on them.
When they get to a point where they realize this behavior is not going to change, they may slowly start to reduce contact with their family member as a form of self-protection. Once they feel like they have put up with certain behaviors for too long, they will decide to back away if they know the level of pain and exhaustion that they can handle, explains Barbara Greenberg, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist.
6. Opposing values or lifestyles
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While having opposing views and values with family members might not alone be enough of a reason for some people to choose to cut off family, if there is a lack of respect for their opinion, a person may choose to distance themselves. If they notice that they can never discuss their values with their family without it turning into a conflict, they will quickly grow exhausted of the relationship.
They may gradually do this to give their family members time to change the way they handle certain topics and situations, but if they constantly see no change, it is unlikely that they will want to remain closely connected to their family. They will be tired of the constant pain and conflict that causes them and will decide it is time to protect their mental health.
7. Desire for personal growth
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When a person is on a path of wanting to achieve personal growth, there may be certain family members whom they decide need to be cut off gradually. If these family members have been the reason for a toxic and unhealthy dynamic to form between them, they will likely want to set boundaries to protect themselves. They may need to emotionally distance themselves from the relationship to really grow as a person.
“The concept of emotional cutoff describes how people manage their unresolved emotional issues with parents, siblings, and other family members by reducing or totally cutting off emotional contact with them,” according to Ilene Strauss Cohen, Ph.D.
8. Traumatic events
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Some people will cut off family members when there have been traumatic events throughout their lives. They may find that they need distance from family members who are causing them trauma.
This may be their way of managing their overwhelming emotions and trying to heal from the ongoing pain that other people in their family have caused them. Martin mentions that, “When viewed through a trauma-informed lens, going no-contact can be an important part of healing. When you remove yourself from ongoing harm, you create space for healing that isn't possible while remaining in abusive dynamics.”
9. Emotional exhaustion
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After having to deal with stressful and emotionally draining relationships with family for so long, a person may come to the conclusion that the only way for them to heal is to cut off these family members. They will look at this as an act of self-care.
By removing themselves from certain relationships, they can protect their emotional well-being and manage their stress. The hopeless feeling that their family members will never change is usually a major driving force for them to finally say they’ve had enough and they are stepping away.
10. Fear of conflict
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If a family member has repeatedly treated someone terribly, but that person is too afraid of confrontation and conflict, they may gradually cut their family member off instead of expressing their feelings. While distancing themselves in this way is a huge step, they may still view it as being less intense than starting an argument.
In their mind, they may view this as the best way to maintain peace and protect their feelings. Especially if they feel like they cannot even talk to their family members without a conflict arising, they will want to avoid this at all costs, meaning they will usually try to break contact with these individuals.
11. Financial disputes
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Consistent financial disputes can lead a person to eventually cut off their family members. If money is constantly used as a means of control and power, they may decide that it is too toxic for their mental health to stay in this situation.
These kinds of disputes can lead to a lot of conflict and resentment within a relationship. An individual may feel that in order to protect their financial interests and well-being, they need to separate themselves.
While most people will not cut off family suddenly, if negative behaviors persist within the relationship and no change occurs, many individuals will aim to do what is best for themselves, and sometimes that looks like avoiding contact and distancing themselves from family members.
Kamryn Idol is a writer with a bachelor's degree in media and journalism who covers lifestyle, relationship, family, and wellness topics.
