The 5 Narcissist Red Flags You’ll Miss If You’re A Hopeless Romantic
When your heart leads the way, red flags can look like romance.
Shane Ryan | Unsplash Have you ever noticed how narcissists are often attracted to hopeless romantics? It's not by accident. Having a few traits doesn’t mean that someone is diagnosable with NPD, narcissistic personality disorder, but they do not bode well for a fulfilling relationship.
One study found that when narcissists knew the symptoms of NPD, they readily admitted to being a narcissist when asked. So you can ask, too, provided they know the traits. Need for admiration, lack of empathy, and grandiosity are key. Look for signs of arrogance and entitlement, too.
The 5 narcissist red flags you’ll miss if you’re a hopeless romantic:
1. Self-centeredness
For narcissists, the world revolves around them. Other people are only two-dimensional, meaning that narcissists can’t empathize. They’re in their own reality and see you as an extension of themselves to satisfy their needs and wants.
When you talk to your date, is he or she interested in getting to know you, or talk only about themselves? Amazingly, some people do, as if their listener doesn’t exist. This is a tell-tale sign that you will feel invisible in the relationship. If you felt invisible in your family, you might take this for granted. You could feel validated by the attention you give as a good listener. Beware that this pattern will likely continue.
As mentioned above, some narcissists are skilled communicators and will appear fascinated by you, even mirror your interests to make you like them. They may be good at short-term intimacy and make you feel like a king or queen, but eventually, they don’t keep up that act. You’ll discover that their motive is to get what they want, for example, intimacy, but that they’re not interested in getting to know more about you, your family, problems, or successes.
Be aware of other signs of lack of consideration: walking far ahead of you, making you track them down for a return phone call, arriving late, disregarding your boundaries and needs, or interrupting conversations to take calls from other people.
2. Arrogance
Narcissists feel superior to other people and can be rude or abusive when they don’t get what they want. This is revealed in their behavior and how they talk about themselves and others.
Is your date a fault-finder who criticizes or blames others, the opposite sex, or an ex? One day, he or she may be bashing you. When you go out, notice how he or she treats waitresses, car hops, and vendors. Does he or she show other people respect, or act superior to certain groups, such as minorities, immigrants, or people of lesser means or education?
Narcissists like to be associated with high-status people and institutions. They think they’re the best and want to surround themselves with the best. This is due to insecurity. Does your date think only his or her school is the best, and requires the best car, the best table at the best restaurant, the finest wines, and wear expensive labels, or name-drop public figures they know? This may impress you, but it will later depress you when you feel ignored or like a prop in their life.
A hopeless romantic has an idealized vision of love and their future partner. In the initial stages of a relationship, a partner's positive qualities may be exaggerated to an unrealistic degree. A 2021 study explained that this creates intense infatuation, but it also means a hopeless romantic might see their partner as flawless and fail to spot arrogant behavior.
3. Entitlement
This trait is a giveaway. It reveals how narcissists think that they’re the center of the universe. They not only believe they’re special and superior to others, but also that they deserve special treatment and that rules don’t apply to them.
Does your date refuse to turn off his or her cell phone at the movies, expect others to do favors, cut in line, steal things like tableware, airline blankets, or hotel ashtrays, or insist on special treatment from the parking attendant, restaurant maitre d’, or waiter? If you’re a woman, does he expect you to drive to his neighborhood?
A relationship with this person will be painfully one-sided, not a two-way street. Narcissists are only interested in getting what they want and making the relationship work for them.
Narcissists aren't capable of true reciprocity in their relationships, which means they don't see you as someone who exists outside of their own needs, and they regularly violate the boundaries of others with an absolute sense of entitlement. A 2021 study explained that a narcissist in 'love' will see their partner as a means to meet their narcissistic appetite for praise, all without reciprocation.
4. Bragging and need for admiration
Although narcissists want to believe they’re superior and the best, they’re actually insecure. Hence, they need constant validation, appreciation, and recognition. They seek this by bragging about themselves and their accomplishments. They may even lie or exaggerate. People who brag are trying to convince themselves and you of their greatness.
While we all need positive feedback to feel good about ourselves, narcissists have an excessive need for attention and control to maintain their inflated sense of self-importance and grandiosity, one study explained. By projecting an image of superiority and demanding constant admiration, they attempt to shield themselves from potential criticism or feelings of worthlessness.
5. Control and manipulation
Narcissists put their needs first. They may manipulate you with flattery, belittling, or threats. Their lack of empathy may show when planning a date.
Time and place might be a difficult negotiation or on their terms, especially if they sense that you’re interested in them. Initially, they may want to please you to win you over, but once they’ve made their “catch,” they want to please themselves.
It’s the chase, not the catch, that motivates them. Once they’re victorious, they can lose interest and move on to the next conquest before it gets too emotionally intimate. If not, they’ll be emotionally unavailable and keep you at a distance, because they’re afraid that if you get too close, you won’t like what you see.
Listen to what your dates say about themselves and past relationships. Do they take responsibility or blame other people? Pay attention if they admit to serious shortcomings, commitment issues, infidelity, criminality, addiction, or abuse. Equally important, notice if you feel anxious or uncomfortable, pressured, controlled, ignored, or belittled.
Darlene Lancer is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the author of several books on relationships and codependency.
