People Who Feel Lonely In Their Marriage Almost Always Drop These 11 Casual Hints Before They Leave
When people feel lonely in their marriage, they become emotionally exhausted.
Dodokat / Shutterstock While the natural causes and tensions that spark loneliness in a marriage are often unique to two partners, the things that erupt as a result are often the same: heightened risks for depression, disconnection, and resentment, as a 2022 study explains. Even if it seems like rough patches and a loss of intimacy happen overnight, people who feel lonely in their marriage almost always drop specific casual hints before they leave — you just have to be paying attention.
From avoiding quality time at home to offering passive-aggressive comments in place of empathetic ones, a partner who doesn’t feel loved, accepted, or respected in a relationship will stop putting effort into togetherness. They won’t care about showing up consistently, making their partner feel safe, or even facilitating healthy conversations, because their own needs are going unmet.
People who feel lonely in their marriage almost always drop these 11 casual hints before they leave
1. Spending more time apart
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Whether it’s spending more time at work, making plans with friends without consulting another partner, or literally spending more time alone in a separate room of the house, people who feel lonely in their marriage almost always drop these casual hints before they leave.
As a study published in the Contemporary Family Therapy journal argues, the more quality time a couple spends together and the more they communicate in healthy discussions, the better their relationship satisfaction becomes. However, the opposite is also true if partners are actively avoiding spending time together and working through conversations to ensure they feel valued and heard.
2. Making plans and decisions alone
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When couples start making decisions on their own without talking to each other first, that could be one of the casual hints they give signaling the end. Whether it’s making financial decisions alone, which tends to be one of the driving forces for conflict in a marriage, or simply planning for the future on their own behalf, these practices are common in couples who are already one foot out the door.
Of course, it’s always possible to mend a broken relationship, make compromises, and grow back together again, but it takes commitment and effort from both sides.
3. Going to bed earlier or staying up later
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Even if it’s subtle and seemingly insignificant in the moment, if a partner is going to bed angry or changing their sleeping habits to simply spend less time with their partner, it could be a sign of loneliness and a casual hint that they’re thinking a bout leaving.
Even cuddling in bed before falling asleep is a fundamental part of cultivating intimacy in these relationships, so opting out of it by staying up later or going to bed before a spouse can jeopardize the entire relationship.
4. Overworking themselves
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Oftentimes, people who feel lonely in their relationship will dive headfirst into another aspect of their life to both distract themselves and cope with the emotional turmoil they’re feeling on the inside. The ironic part? This kind of overworking mentality only pushes them closer to burnout and emotional exhaustion, on top of the struggles they’re having with a partner at home.
People who feel lonely in their marriage almost always drop subtle hints like this, spending long hours at work, going out with friends more often, or making excuses for avoiding quality time with “urgent” tasks, when in reality, they’d simply rather be exhausted on their own accord than deal with isolation at home.
5. Spending more time on their phones
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Even if overusing their phones gives temporary solace and fleeting relief to partners in avoiding hard conversations, conflict, and quality time, it’s not actually a fun or silly activity. The truth is that it destroys relationships and connections.
Not only does the mere presence of a phone in conversation distract people and spark disconnection, but choosing to intentionally use a phone to avoid the conflict necessary to work through problems only makes everyone feel more unheard and loved.
So, if you notice a partner is going on their phone more than normal, using mindless entertainment to avoid conversations, chances are they’re offering up casual signs that they’re thinking about leaving, even if they don’t realize it yet.
6. Organizing and cleaning more than normal
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Cleanliness and cleaning habits are often directly associated with mental health. When our spaces are messy, our minds are cluttered. When we make time to clean, it often relieves stress. But for partners who feel lonely in their marriages and unhappy at home, their cleaning habits may be more nuanced.
People who feel lonely in their marriages may clean their homes for a sense of control that they’re not getting in their relationship. They don’t have a safe place to land with their partner and often feel an inescapable feeling of anxiety, uncertainty, and stress when they’re at home — hence why they’re cleaning and organizing more to cope.
7. Not making eye contact anymore
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Eye contact is an impactful communication tactic by itself, especially for couples. It’s a gateway to intimacy and a behavior that bonds couples closer together, even during hard arguments or stressful times in life.
So, it’s no surprise that people who feel lonely in their marriages send subtle hints like avoiding it. It’s not aggressive or an act of resentment, necessarily. Still, it could be a sign that they’re emotionally exhausted and no longer interested in cultivating a connection with a partner they’ve drifted apart from.
8. Withdrawing from affection
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Especially in a relationship that used to be defined by the health of its subtle affection and physical intimacy, withdrawing from and avoiding it entirely could be one of the casual hints a partner gives before they leave. If they’re feeling emotionally withdrawn and unsupported, of course, they’re not going to prioritize physical touch. The two go hand-in-hand, as counselor Dan Bates explains.
Even if they spend all their free time with their partner and sometimes make space for a conversation, the emotional and physical disconnection they’re experiencing only exacerbates their feelings of loneliness.
9. Not laughing together anymore
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According to a study published in the Personal Relationships journal, partners who naturally and frequently laugh together often boast more satisfaction and happiness in their marriages than those who don’t. It’s bonding to smile and laugh together, even if it’s over the smallest and silliest things.
That’s why quality time, connection, and intentionality are important. If you’re not paying attention to each other, reading body language, and offering intentional support, the opportunity for connection through laughter is slim.
Of course, the benefits of personally smiling and laughing are also probably lost for both partners in their own time, dealing with an overwhelming sense of emotional turmoil and uncertainty that their lonely relationship has provoked.
10. Acting calmer, but not feeling happier
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Many people who have checked out of their marriages and are no longer putting in effort to rebuild with their partners may portray a calmer demeanor, but on the inside, they’re not happy. They stop talking about the future and having hard conversations, they regularly avoid conflict, and even spend more time out of the house to avoid interactions with their partner.
It’s not always obvious, but it’s clear what’s going on from the outside. They’re simply at peace with the end of their relationship, even if their partner or spouse doesn’t know it yet, which is why they’re calmer, rather than defensive or aggressive.
11. Not talking about the future
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Whether it’s talking about the future using “I” instead of “we” or making decisions on their own behalf, people who feel lonely in their marriage will almost always drop these casual hints before they leave.
They’re not interested in working together toward a shared goal or setting their own desires to the side for the sake of a partner who’s not putting in effort for them. Even though this shift may not be immediately obvious to their spouse, it’s a clear sign that they’ve stopped exhausting themselves with trying to make it work.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
