11 Things Parents Don't Realize They Do To Hurt Their Adult Children Deeply
They don't realize they're adding tension to their family dynamic.
gpointstudio | Shutterstock While big, outspoken emotions like anger can contribute to a long-term sense of tension and hostility in a parent-child relationship, many subtle resentments also sabotage a family's dynamic. From making dismissive comments to comparing their children to other people, the things parents don't realize they do to hurt their adult children deeply could actually be the ones harming them the most.
Even if you're supposedly coping with a "mean" or "entitled" adult child as a parent, step back and consider your role. Misunderstandings, disagreements, and unmet expectations can all urge adult children to disconnect from their parents, psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein explained, especially if they feel consistently judged and ridiculed. Tensions and resentments are often a two-way street, even if one or both people don't realize they're hurting the other.
Here are 11 things parents don't realize they do to hurt their adult children deeply
1. Downplaying mental health issues
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Whether it's an adult child asking for support, expressing their emotions vulnerably, or even trying to resolve a conflict with a parent, feeling invalidated for their mental health can be deeply hurtful. Even subtle passing phrases like "stop overreacting" or "you're so sensitive" may seem harmless to parents in the moment, but often encourage adult children to create distance and suppress their emotions.
Of course, feeling alienated and isolated from support from parents as a child can have adverse effects on adult children's mental health later in life, like a study from the journal Children explains, but similarly dismissive interactions as an adult are also profound.
That's why downplaying mental health issues is one of the things parents don't realize they do to hurt their adult children deeply. They may have grown up in a different time, where emotions were something to hide and mental health something to ignore, but for their adult children, seeking support and being vulnerable is a large part of their relationships and general well-being.
2. Giving unsolicited advice
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A 2020 study argues that unsolicited advice from parents can often feel invalidating, intrusive, and generally unwanted to their adult children. Whether it's offering suggestions for career changes or giving unprompted "solutions" for emotions that their children just want support for, these are some of the things parents don't realize they do to hurt their adult children deeply.
Even for good people in healthy relationships with their families, these are some of the things that they hate hearing from their parents. They want to feel supported and loved, even in the face of their complex emotions, and if they don't ask for advice in "solving" them, chances are they're going to be hurt when it's offered regardless.
3. Guilt-tripping
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Rather than communicating openly about their needs and frustrations, guilt-tripping is one of the things parents don't realize they do to hurt their adult children deeply. Whether it's sending text messages like "you don't ever come over anymore" to bridge the natural distance in the parent-child relationship or expressing disappointment for misaligned life decisions, guilt-tripping may seem subtle, but it has profound consequences.
According to family therapist Sarah Epstein, parental guilt-trips may evoke the desired outcome, whether it's time spent with their kids or influence over their children's lives, but they also introduce disconnection, resentment, and absence. The more guilt-tripping a parent uses, the more likely they are to spark a cycle of guilt in their children, riddled with disappointment and frustration, rather than honesty and connection.
4. Criticizing a child's partner or lifestyle
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Even if it's hard for parents to cope with, their adult children have the autonomy and independence to make their own choices. They get to choose their partners, friends, careers, and random lifestyle choices, even if it doesn't align with their parents' expectations or desires.
Being overly critical and judgmental of their children's decisions only pushes them farther away, and is often one of the things parents don't realize they do to hurt their adult children deeply.
5. Weaponizing love and affection
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Considering parents tend to know their children incredibly well and on a deep level, it's especially insidious when they weaponize things like love and affection to get their way. They know what really "stings" for their kids, whether it's a fear of abandonment or internal insecurities, and when they withhold love or affection that sparks those feelings, it's powerful in all the wrong ways.
Leveraging a transactional relationship to get what they want and weaponizing or withholding things to get their way are some of the things parents may not realize they do to hurt their adult children deeply. In fact, they're coping with insecurities and fears of their own that may be driving these misguided behaviors, at the expense of everyone's well-being.
6. Ignoring boundaries
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Just because you're a parent or a caretaker doesn't give you the right to overstep other people's boundaries. Everyone, especially in a parent-child relationship later in life, deserves respect. That's why overstepping boundaries, guilt-tripping kids into removing them, or invalidating a child's concerns are all things parents don't realize they do to hurt their adult children deeply.
For parents, it may feel like their obligation to "get close" to their kids and emotionally understand them, but when these habits overstep clear boundaries — like showing up unannounced or dismissing their mental health concerns — they shouldn't feel surprised when it adds tension to their relationship.
7. Trying to rewrite the past
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Even if you don't agree with your children's recollections of their childhoods or feel defensive about taking accountability for their accusations, it's still possible to support their emotions and hurt as a parent. Rewriting the past with comments like "I don't think that really happened" or "that's not what I said" only invalidated adult children, ushering them away from vulnerability at home.
It's one of the things parents don't realize they do to hurt their adult children deeply. In fact, it may be an automatic defense mechanism for parents facing insecurity or fears of abandonment — they'd prefer to deny and avoid accountability, even if it means not being able to support or fully love their kids.
8. Talking down to them
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Whether it's questioning their life choices or speaking to them in an infantilizing tone, many adult children can feel disrespected when their parents continue to treat them like a child. Of course, for many parents, it's unintentional — they can't help but see their adult kids as the childhood version of themselves, especially when it allows them to feel more "needed" or secure.
According to a study from Motivation and Emotion, infantilization in these subtle moments can spark low self-esteem, depression, dependency, feelings of incompetence, and even isolation. It's a deep and largely profound experience for adult children, even if it seems flippant or insignificant for their parents in the moment.
9. Never giving grace
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When parents expect their adult children to always give gratitude and never struggle, it only sparks more resentment in their relationship. Questions like "After everything I've given you?" or "Do you know how much I sacrificed for you?" may feel insignificant in the moment, but for adult children, it only sparks guilt and tension.
Be graceful. Offer grace to your kids. They're going through things, dealing with struggles, and navigating life for the first time, just like you are as a parent.
10. Pressuring them into life decisions
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Whether it's suggesting that they should "settle down and get married" or pressuring them into having children, these are the things parents don't realize they do to hurt their adult children deeply.
They want to be validated, celebrated, and supported for the things they're doing now — whether it's focusing on their relationships, putting themselves first, or starting a new career. When they're not, it only makes them feel inadequate or creates distance in their relationships with parents.
11. Making excuses
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From "That's just how I am" to "I'm too old to change," making excuses for misbehavior and disrespectful language often hurts adult children more deeply than their parents realize.
According to a study from the Gerontologist, many adult children name "communication" as the primary driver of tension and disconnection with their parents. So, even when conversations seem casual and passing phrases feel insignificant, they play a larger role in influencing family dynamics than they seem to.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
