11 Family Traditions That Sound Sweet But Actually Stress Everyone Out
They look wholesome in photos, but behind the scenes… total chaos.
Raja GamerXTC | Shutterstock Every family has its own unique traditions. They’re truly as diverse as the families themselves. There are some common ones that we can all agree are cliches at this point, though. (For example, who hasn’t gathered at a relative’s home for a huge holiday dinner?) Family traditions are important, and they help hold us together. A study published in the Journal of Family Psychology that took place over 50 years concluded that they led to “stronger family relationships.”
Some family traditions, like opening up a single gift on Christmas Eve, are fun and rarely, if ever, cause any drama. Other traditions seem sweet on the surface, but actually cause a lot of stress. Between everyone getting together, organizing whatever it is you’re doing, and putting in the effort and energy needed to make what you’re doing happen, a lot of family traditions just put pressure on everyone involved. No one really enjoys them, but no one is willing to admit that either.
Here are 11 family traditions that sound sweet but actually stress everyone out:
1. Going on a 'bonding' vacation together
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Going on a vacation sounds great, right? Well, maybe a little bit less so when you start adding in all of your family members. Aside from being stuck in a potentially new-to-you location with people you may or may not get along with, there are so many moving parts that go into planning a vacation, and they only multiply when more people are involved. Putting together a vacation for one or two is stressful enough. Coordinating a trip for a whole family is another thing entirely.
Part of the problem with a family vacation is that everyone is likely to have different expectations and wants for it, therapist Madeline Lucas, LCSW, said. For example, one person may want to rest, while another wants to visit as many tourist destinations as possible. This can lead to serious tension between family members and cause unnecessary drama. (Or, maybe to you, the drama is completely necessary. It’s all about perspective.)
Going on a family vacation sounds like a great way for everyone to bond, especially if everyone lives in different places and the trip gets them all to one central location where they can spend time together. Unfortunately, the picture-perfect posts on Instagram you see of these vacations rarely tell the whole story, and that’s something we can all relate to. It’s hard being in close quarters with people you’re not used to living with, and having abundant free time can drive some people a little insane.
2. Weekly or monthly family dinners
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We’ve all seen the media depictions on movies and shows of families gathering for weekly or monthly family dinners. It seems lovely. You’re led to believe that family is close and everyone loves each other. The media rarely portrays reality, though. In actuality, families tend to bicker. Seeing each other more frequently might make this worse instead of making it better because there’s less pressure to make the time spent together as perfect as possible.
Also, there’s a lot of planning and logistics that go into having a family dinner. When will it be? Can everyone make it at that time? Does anyone have food allergies? Who is going to cook? The list goes on. Family dinners are high-pressure events, and everyone knows it even if they’re not willing to admit it. And all of that work can be for nothing if it all devolves into an argument and everyone leaves early.
Unfortunately for all of the family dinner haters, there are benefits to gathering for it regularly. Research from the American Heart Association revealed that 91% of parents felt like their family experienced less stress when they chose to share meals. While planning a family dinner may not be an easy feat, there are advantages, and it can bring everyone closer together, even if it takes some time.
3. Wearing matching outfits
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Whether it’s coordinating pajamas on Christmas or identical Hawaiian shirts for a tropical vacation, we’ve all seen those families that wear matching outfits. For a lot of people, it feels a little cringey, but certain families love it. It sounds really cute — what grandparent wouldn’t love a picture of all of their kids and grandkids in matching holiday onesies, after all? But it holds a lot of hidden stressors.
There’s so much planning that has to happen. Someone has to order the clothes and make sure they have the proper sizes for everyone, then distribute them accordingly. Plus, it’s not exactly cheap to buy new outfits for every single family member. Even if each individual is handling costs, it can still be a burden.
Dawnn Karen, a fashion psychologist and branding consultant, told The Washington Post, “We’re driven by ‘likes.’ And what gets the most likes? Children in matching clothes. But, the question becomes: Are we taking away our children’s individuality and their ability to develop their own tastes?” Dressing everyone the same may make for a cute photo op, but it comes with consequences.
4. Exchanging gifts
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On the surface, giving each other gifts sounds like the most ordinary and appreciated thing in the world. It gets complicated in families, though. For example, I have half-siblings but was basically raised as an only child, while all of my cousins have multiple siblings. It made the Christmas price burden pretty unfair on my nuclear family. But things got worse when we tried letting everyone draw someone’s name, because no one got the same thing at the same price point, and it all got disorganized.
“I don’t know about you, but I find gift giving stressful, especially during the holidays,” clinical psychologist Therese Rosenblatt, PhD, said. “When I give a gift, I like to be inspired. That doesn’t happen on demand, yet the holidays require a gift at a designated time … They come and go before you know it, and you'd better be prepared, or you’ll miss them altogether.”
While it sounds nice to give gifts, and everybody loves receiving them, it can get complicated in families, especially if you’re trying to pull off some sort of Secret Santa thing. Normally, giving gifts is a sign of love and appreciation, but during the holidays, it can just feel like an obligatory gesture that no one puts much thought into. Conversely, they may overthink it and stress themselves out for that reason. It’s a nice family tradition, but it doesn’t need to be so bothersome.
5. Family photoshoots
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Some of the most stressful moments of my family’s life have occurred at photoshoots. There are a lot of us, so it’s a lot of people to coordinate. Everyone has to be in the same place, outfits have to follow a certain color palette, and all of the kids must smile for as long as possible when they’d much rather cry. Family photoshoots can create great memories, and they’re wonderful to look back on, but there’s a lot that goes into them behind the scenes.
North Carolina-based photographer Kelly McPhail shared that you can take some of the stress out of family photos if you’re willing to change your mindset. “Rather than thinking about your family photo session as a stress-inducing chore to get through, I want you to try conceptualizing your session as intentional quality time with your family,” she said. She noted that kids pick up on energy from their parents, so if you’re stressed, they will be too.
Changing your mindset about photoshoots needing to be perfect can be helpful, and it may also be beneficial to try photoshoots with just your immediate family. But whatever you do, there’s bound to be stress that you just can’t get rid of. Having a family picture creates a great memory, but at what cost? What memories were made while having the photos taken?
6. Going around the table to share what you’re thankful for
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This is my personal pet peeve. Nothing stresses me out more than waiting my turn while silently trying to think of the thing that sounds the best to be thankful for. Maybe some people can do this without any pressure, but I’m not one of them. The truth is that this tradition puts everyone on the spot and makes them share something that is potentially personal — or scramble to come up with something less personal.
While it may seem like everyone wants to call to mind what they’re grateful for on Thanksgiving, I’m not alone in how I feel about this one. A survey from the Harris Poll and American Greetings found that three out of five Americans would rather do something other than think about what they’re thankful for on Thanksgiving. Additionally, 71% of respondents said that the holidays were stressful for them in general.
It’s a nice idea to share what you’re thankful for, and I do remember enjoying it as a kid. But now, as an adult, it just feels like a way to add more stress to an already stressful time of year. Everyone would much rather just sit back and enjoy the turkey than have to think of the best possible, socially acceptable answer.
7. Family talent shows
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Talent shows were regular occurrences for my cousins and me when we were growing up, but we never filled them with pressure. Participation was voluntary, and it usually just involved us doing some kind of bizarre song-and-dance routine. Because of the way we handled it casually, those are some great memories now. But having an actual, structured, mandatory family talent show? I can’t imagine.
“When people fail to develop a strong self, their well-being and functioning usually depend on what others say or don’t say, instead of on what they personally think,” psychotherapist Ilene Strauss Cohen, PhD, said. “Essentially, their sense of self vanishes in the presence of others, especially in the presence of family. This happens because many people try to manage the anxiety of everyone in their family instead of their own.”
Even if you don’t want to, you may feel pressured into participating in a family talent show. You’ll base your sense of self on others and let their thoughts control what you do. Pleasing your family will be paramount, even though it’s against your desires. That’s not being fair to yourself. Instead, just skip the talent show.
8. Mailing out Christmas cards or year-in-review letters
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Oftentimes, those family photos are taken yearly and used for Christmas cards that are sent out at the end of the year. Everyone loves receiving Christmas cards, but sending them can be stressful. You have to keep track of everyone you need to send one to, design and print them, and prepare countless envelopes with addresses and stamps. Even more effort is required if you’re the kind of person who likes to write a year-in-review letter to send to your friends and family.
According to psychotherapist Amy Morin, LCSW, sending holiday cards doesn’t have to be as stressful as it sounds. She recommended only sending handwritten cards to a few select people who really matter to you. It may feel like everyone on your list matters, but they don’t each need a personalized card. She also noted that digital cards often take less effort, and if you’re struggling, you can skip the cards altogether.
Getting holiday cards to all of the people who matter to you is a huge undertaking. It’s fun to reconnect with everyone you know and send them that little reminder that you’re thinking of them, but it’s taxing. It’s a much better idea to be present for the people in your life than to spend all of your time preparing and sending cards.
9. Hosting family game night
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Family game night should be full of fun and a time to let your hair down. My extended family has had many game nights, and it’s always fun until it isn’t. Without fail, someone always gets their feelings hurt or becomes too competitive or just gets bored. This is too bad because it’s something that should be enjoyable, but sometimes it just can’t be.
Advice columnist Sarah Wheeler reminded one parent, “I am here to tell you, my friend, that the one thing that will almost always be a part of everyone’s game night is frustration. Kids can be really, really bad losers. They lie and cheat. You might even get frustrated.” Game night is not a dream come true for anyone.
Playing games can be fun (that’s what they were created for, really), but the pressure of a family competition can just be a little too much for some people. That doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with the way you’re hosting your family game night. It just might not be the best activity for your family, and that’s okay.
10. Visiting multiple houses in one holiday
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Having to go to multiple relatives’ houses for the holidays has basically turned into a joke at this point. Everyone complains about how they have to fit in both sides of the family, or make time for parents and stepparents. Whatever the case may be, no one wants to go to more than one house for the holidays, especially if we’re talking about what happens in the space of a single day. You can’t truly get settled anywhere, and the time is always on your mind.
Writing for Inc., Dan Furman, the owner of Clear-Writing, said, “Remember that the holidays are for you too. Box-checking to make sure you see everyone only leaves everyone tired and unsatisfied. Taking steps to lessen your stress and holiday travel will go a long way in enhancing your holiday cheer.”
When you visit everyone for the holidays, you end up feeling pretty empty in the process. You’re not able to spend quality time with anyone, and it just doesn’t leave you feeling fulfilled. It’s not a happy holiday, and you’ll only remember it for the stress you felt. It simply isn’t worth it.
11. Cooking together
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This is one situation when there can literally be too many cooks in the kitchen. It may sound pleasant to cook together with your family, and it can be in small numbers. But when everyone in the extended family is involved and there’s a myriad of voices and opinions, it can turn into a nightmare. No one is going to agree on the ingredients to include in Grandma’s famous recipe, and you’ll all just end up bumping into each other in such a small space.
Cohen added, “We think that we should agree all the time and get along in order to be a nice, functional family. However, there’s no rule that says you have to get along with everyone in your family all the time. Being related doesn’t mean you’ll get along in every situation, share the same political views, or even enjoy each other’s company.”
It’s normal for everyone in a family not to get along. You’re all different people with different personalities just thrown together, after all. This means that cooking together may not be a good option. Instead, it may leave you feeling like you’re all in for a huge fight, which no one wants. It’s probably better to just hold off on cooking together.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
