11 Nice Habits That Push Friends And Family Away Over Time
You're too nice for your own good, and other people may find it off-putting.
Sally Nweiser | Unsplash When someone tells you that you're too nice, it may not be a compliment — it might be a warning. They're trying to tell you that you're easily taken advantage of because it's practically impossible for you to say no.
You're a master at sucking it up, no matter how much of a jerk someone is being to you. It's not that you should be a jerk; it's just that if you're overly nice, you will be a doormat and be walked on for the rest of your life.
What does it mean to be 'too nice for your own good'? Being nice is a great quality to have, but there is a difference between being nice and being too nice. The latter can be detrimental to one's mental health. People who are too nice put other people's needs before their own.
They rarely say no when people make requests or ask for favors. They often completely disregard their own needs and desires and put others above themselves. They are also often described as a "people pleaser." Sound like you?
Knowing you, you're thinking, "I'm not too nice. I'm just polite and I care about people." If that's the case, you should take a look at these 11 signs you're way too nice.
Here are 11 nice habits that push friends and family away over time:
1. You have a rapid apology rate
If someone bumps into you or interrupts you, you apologize. You take responsibility for everything, including other people's rudeness.
While apologies are vital for repairing relationships when genuine harm has been done, an excessive and rapid apology rate, specifically when not warranted or lacking sincerity, can have detrimental effects. Research has concluded that it can erode self-esteem, create unhealthy relationship dynamics, hinder communication, and ultimately push people away.
2. You donate to anything and everything
You've never met a crowdfunding campaign that you could refuse or a walkathon you couldn't support, and you're everybody's first draft for volunteer work.
The impulse to be generous can be strong, but facing a constant barrage of fundraising appeals can eventually lead to donor fatigue, a phenomenon that decreases people's willingness to donate, according to a 2023 study. When potential donors feel overwhelmed, unappreciated, uncertain about impact, or emotionally drained, they are more likely to pull away from charitable giving, even for causes they once passionately supported.
3. You're overly sensitive toward other people
The idea of sending something back to the kitchen when they've got your order wrong has never crossed your mind, nor has correcting someone when they mispronounce your name. Well, you wouldn't want them to feel bad because of you.
4. You're polite — almost to a fault
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You'll give up your seat on the bus even if you can barely stand, hold the door open, and always say please and thank you.
While politeness is generally a positive trait, excessive politeness can hinder genuine connection, breed mistrust, and lead to communication breakdowns. Research has shown that finding a balance between politeness and authenticity, where one can be both kind and direct, is key to fostering healthy and fulfilling relationships.
5. You're haunted by other people's negative emotions
Although you try to keep people happy, sometimes they get angry with you. If you unintentionally angered someone or hurt them, it will keep you up at night and you'll try to think of how you could've handled the situation differently. As long as it doesn't involve confrontation, you'll do practically anything.
6. You have a reputation as a softie
If anyone needs any kind of favor, you'll do it. Ride to the airport at two in the morning? Yes. Cat-sit even though you're allergic? Absolutely. And if someone needs money, you'll go without it so that you can lend it to them.
7. You care more about whether other people are having a good time than yourself
If you're the host of the party, you don't have any fun because you're too busy making sure everyone else is having a good time. When you're a guest, you're doing everything you can to help the people throwing the party. By now, everyone knows to look for you in the kitchen, because whether it's your party or not, you're doing the cleaning up.
8. You're always available to cover for someone
You're already doing the job of three people, but that doesn't stop you from covering for someone when they need it. If you suspect that your company isn't in the black, there's no way you'll ask for a raise — even though you were promised one year ago.
9. You fall for scams easily
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Because you're so busy seeing the best in people, you never see the truth. You believe every sob story and are vulnerable to every scam artist.
Research suggests that falling victim to a scam can be a deeply isolating experience, potentially pushing people away from their social circles. It is important to remember that scams are a serious crime, and victims should be offered support and understanding rather than blame and judgment.
10. You rarely ask for help
The last thing you'd ever want to be is a burden to someone or put them out in any way. People may owe you, but you'll never collect.
While independence is often viewed as a positive trait, consistently refusing help can negatively impact relationships by hindering intimacy, eroding trust, and creating distance. Research supports that developing the ability to ask for and accept help is a crucial step towards fostering healthier and more fulfilling connections.
11. You're always the listener in every conversation
Your friend always tells you everything that's happening in their life in excruciating detail, yet never has time to listen to you, but you still take their calls. When an older person corners you and goes on and on about how society has gone to rack and ruin, you listen intently because you don't want to hurt their feelings.
If you're too nice for your good, there's no time like the present to learn to say "no." Saying no is one of the first steps to setting healthy boundaries, which is something many of us need to do. Start letting people down, because you should come first. Always. Period.
Being nice and polite aren't bad qualities to have unless you're destroying your self-confidence and self-esteem in the process. Try to find a balance between being nice and being a doormat. Practice kindness without sacrificing yourself in order to do it.
Christine Schoenwald is a writer and performer. She's had articles in The Los Angeles Times, Salon, and Woman's Day.
