7 Quiet Behaviors Of A Child Who’s Done Being Manipulated By Narcissistic Parents
When a child starts setting boundaries, the silence speaks volumes.
Getty Images | Unsplash Narcissistic abuse is sadly very common. I’ve grown up around a lot of narcissists and have seen the damage they do to people. So, it’s time that we talk about some important survival tips for children who are dealing with narcissistic, or potentially narcissistic, parents.
When a child has spent years walking on eggshells around a narcissistic parent, constantly trying to please and avoid conflict, they eventually reach a quiet breaking point — and it doesn't always come with dramatic confrontation.
Here are 7 quiet behaviors of a child who’s done being manipulated by narcissistic parents:
1. They start collecting evidence
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It is oh, so easy to fall into the trap of assuming that you’re at fault for everything when you’re with a narcissist. Narcissists are masters at gaslighting and manipulation. They also tend to project quite a bit, too.
The easiest way to break the spell and stop feeling like you’re just crazy is to read forums where people talk about what life is like with a narcissist. You’ll likely find behaviors that sound almost identical to what you’ve seen in your life.
Seeing others who have experienced what you do can make a massive difference in your ability to feel sane. It can also help reinforce the backbone you need to stand up for yourself and leave.
Pro tip: Write down that you aren’t crazy. Write down the things they said or did as evidence that proves they’re being abusive.
2. They allow themselves to be helped
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The sooner that you recognize the signs of being around a narcissist, the better off you’ll be. Reach out to others, find support groups, and talk to others in your situation.
If you can’t find a support network among friends or even your workmates (protecting against a narcissist abuser who may try to damage your work reputation), you can always go online or to DV groups.
Research supports that adult children of narcissists may not realize the extent of the emotional abuse they endured until they are older. A support network can provide validation and help them identify manipulative behaviors, such as guilt-tripping, emotional control, and gaslighting.
3. They push back against control tactics
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I know, I know: easier said than done. Even when the mask is off and you realize you’re dealing with a narcissist, it’s not easy to control yourself when they bait you, hurt you, ice you out, or try to control you.
There are several ways to deal with this:
- Do not react when they throw tantrums and start hitting themselves. Look at them stone-faced, maybe even a bit bored. If they don’t get a reaction of sympathy, they stop doing it. If they threaten suicide, call 911.
- Do not engage with the narcissist. When a narcissist tries to pick a fight with you, wheedle you for information, triangulate you, or otherwise cause drama, use the Grey Rock method. In other words, keep your replies short. Don’t be interesting. Be as neutral as a grey rock. It drives them crazy, and it limits their ability to hurt you.
- Warn others. If you have a partner, warn them that your parent is a narcissist. If you are concerned about your parent sabotaging your relationships or work, warn people ahead of time. The sooner they know what’s up, the sooner they can protect you.
- Treat gifts with suspicion. Narcissists will often start sending gifts and saccharinely “loving” messages when they realize that a certain person is about to cut them out of their lives. Many people who go no-contact tend to throw out gifts from narcissists because of this situation.
4. They enforce boundaries by going low-contact
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Narcissists don’t like boundaries, yet you have to set them. If your narcissist wants to stay in your life, they have to abide by certain rules. Generally speaking, this means that you need to get away from them.
If you live with your narcissist, carefully collect your documents, get a bank account, and move out ASAP. If you don’t live with the narcissist, the best thing to do is limit your time with them.
If they start shenanigans, start laying down boundaries as such:
- “Mother, I have told you that I do not appreciate your digs at my appearance. Seeing as you’ve decided to start again, I think we should cut this phone call short.”
- “Dad, I told you I don’t want to talk politics. I’ll talk to you when you decide to follow the rules I set.”
- “Mom, I don’t feel comfortable with you showing up at my house at random. Your behavior made my wife very uncomfortable and my neighbors concerned. If you come to my house again, I will call the police.”
- “Dad, hitting is unacceptable. I have told the police officer that I will be pressing charges. I told you this would be the outcome.”
- “Mom, I told you I don’t want to speak to you anymore. If you contact me again, I will be filing harassment charges.”
More often than not, narcissists don’t change. So, prepare to go no-contact. It’s not your fault. They’re choosing to continue their abuse rather than change. All you’re doing is protecting yourself by cutting them out.
Establishing boundaries can be vital for mental health, allowing individuals to heal from the emotional wounds inflicted by narcissistic parenting. A 2020 study explained that by distancing themselves from the manipulative dynamic, individuals can begin to understand their own needs and desires, fostering a stronger sense of self.
5. They stop seeking approval
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Narcissists love approval. They live for it. It’s what makes 90 percent of the “narcissistic supply” they’re addicted to. They assume everyone is the same way as them — and that can be pretty badly weaponized.
The narcissist thrives when you try to seek their approval. They want to control you through their approval. So, here’s how you stop them from ruining your life: don’t seek their approval or validation.
The truth is that you’ll never going to get the validation that you’re searching for from them. Narcissists never give true approval to others. They just shift the goalposts so that you struggle more and more, falling deeper into their trap.
Rather than try to make them love you, back away. Recognize that narcissists are not capable of love the way you want them to be. Then, prioritize yourself, your self-care, and your needs.
For some individuals, there comes a point where they recognize the unhealthy dynamics of their relationship with their narcissistic parent and begin to detach from the need for their approval. A 2022 study found that this can involve setting boundaries, recognizing their inherent worth, and developing a stronger sense of self-esteem independent of their parents' opinion.
6. They take back their autonomy
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Narcissists who notice a person they can’t control often will try to attack you. This is primarily why you need to use the “Grey Rock” method on them when you start to see them try to rile you up or dig their claws into you.
If you’re already involved with a narcissist (such as a parent or a partner you’re looking to leave), the best thing you can do is warn others and talk about the situation before the narcissist shows up. Tell them that this person means you harm and that they are manipulative.
7. They hold them accountable
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Recording them when they have an outburst, outing them to others, and forcing them to be held accountable in court will wreck a narcissist’s life.
Your biggest weapon against a narcissist is their reputation. If you can expose them, they will crumble. Sometimes, reminding them that others are watching or that law enforcement will take notice will calm them down.
If you feel like a narcissist is trying to attack you, make a point of documenting everything. It might end up saving you a lot of grief in the long term.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.
