People Often Panic Once This Happens In A Relationship, But Experts Say It’s Actually A Bright Green Flag
Your relationship might be a whole lot healthier than you realize.
Joshua Mcknight | Pexels How many times have you thought something must be wrong with your romantic relationship if you’re not experiencing passionate intimacy multiple times a week? For many of us, probably more times than we can count. The truth is, you’re not alone, and it's actually a bright green flag to experience what experts distinguish as less spontaneous desire and more responsive desire.
TikTok content creator named Joan recently shared her take on the research of American sex educator Dr. Emily Nagoski, who explained the difference between these two types of desire and why both are completely normal.
People often panic when passion dwindles in their relationships, but it's actually nothing to worry about.
Spontaneous desire usually shows up during the beginning of a relationship when everything feels new, exciting, and unpredictable. This is when you basically feel like you can't keep your hands off each other. But growing together and losing that desperate passion isn't a sign that the relationship is in trouble, even though most people think it is.
According to Dr. Nagoski, this spontaneous type of desire is fueled by the thrill of the unknown. It lights up our brain’s reward system, which is why we feel that rush or urgency for someone we’re newly attracted to. But once the relationship becomes more emotionally secure and stable, that high-stakes chemistry tends to settle, and that's actually a good thing. That shift is completely normal.
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It doesn’t mean there’s a problem or that the spark is gone forever. It just means our nervous system is no longer operating in that alert, novelty-driven mode. The problem is we’ve been so conditioned to associate that intense passion with real love or chemistry, so we panic when it changes.
Another tricky part is that in an unstable relationship, spontaneous desire can persist and that intensity may be mistaken for a genuine connection despite clear indicators of incompatibility. In simple terms, couples who keep high levels of desire and passion at the forefront of their connection are dealing with much bigger issues than couples who aren't quite as passionate anymore.
This can lead someone to confuse a passionate sexual dynamic with emotional closeness. That’s why understanding how our nervous systems influence our bonding methods can help us make more grounded, informed decisions in relationships.
Real desire often builds slowly through closeness, trust, and the quiet safety of being truly seen.
Responsive desire works differently from spontaneous desire, and the distinction is important. It happens when we already feel connected, safe, and emotionally grounded.
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Psychotherapist Pamela Mendelsohn explained that this type of desire often shows up after closeness has already started. You might not be in the mood at first, but once you begin to engage through things like kissing, talking, or physical affection, desire follows.
This is super common, especially for women, but not exclusive to them. Responsive desire often thrives in calm, secure relationships where emotional safety is present and consistent. It’s not driven by adrenaline or uncertainty; instead, it’s shaped by connection and trust, the kind of desire that’s built from comfort, not chaos.
As Dr. Nagoski wrote in a piece for The Guardian, most people believe that "If our partner doesn’t just spontaneously want us, out of the blue, without effort or preparation, on a regular basis, they don’t want us 'enough.'" But that couldn't be further from the truth. She went on to say, "It’s responsive desire that is associated with great sex over the long term."
Passion isn't necessarily missing from your relationship. It's just unfolding differently.
So, if you’ve ever felt like something’s off just because you’re not always “in the mood,” this is your reminder that you’re not broken and your relationship probably isn’t either. Understanding how desire actually works takes so much pressure off.
It gives us room to stop chasing the kind of passion we’ve been sold in books and movies and start appreciating the kind that grows from real connection, safety, and care. Or it can help us reevaluate if we’re in an unstable relationship that seems like closeness, but really is just spontaneous desire influencing the bond rather than actual emotional intimacy.
Ultimately, understanding how our bodies experience and express desire, without judgment or shame, allows us to build deeper, more authentic connections with ourselves and others.
Maritza is a staff writer at YourTango with a bachelor’s degree in Creative Writing and a deep love for crafting stories that resonate. She’s especially drawn to topics like self-growth, relationships, and human interest topics.
