9 Signs You're Clinging To What Feels Like Love But Is Something Far More Sinister
The fine line between 'madly in love' and 'love based in madness'.
Lany-Jade Mondou | Pexels There is one relationship pattern I've seen time and again: women who are otherwise strong and successful trying and failing, repeatedly, to let go of a relationship they know they don't want. When I suggest their bond might be based on trauma, not love, they push back, telling me they've never felt love like this before, and they cannot imagine a life without them.
They're not wrong about that: When you have a trauma bond, it does often feel like love and it can be impossible to imagine losing them. But that doesn't make it the kind of love that can sustain a long-term relationship.
According to the Attachment Project, a trauma bond develops when someone has an unhealthy attachment to someone else. Trauma bonding happens over time and can be difficult for a person to see and understand that it is happening. Adding insult to injury, a trauma bond often exploits someone's empathy.
Nine signs you're clinging to a feeling that's not love, it's a trauma bond
1. You need constant verbal affirmations
A woman who was trying to break up could go days or weeks without talking to the guy she was seeing. Then he'd reach out and want to make small talk. She didn't want small talk. She wanted him to tell her how much he loves her and how he can't live without her, and that their time apart was miserable. She needed to hear how much he cares about her, because if she doesn't, she won't feel loved.
Think about how you feel when you don't get the words of love you need.
- Do you feel empty?
- Do you feel hopeless?
- Do you feel like they will never choose you?
- Do you feel like if you don't hear those words soon, you will fall apart?
If any of these things are true, you are trauma-bonded.
2. You depend on them for your happiness
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- Do you find that when you aren't with your person, you just can't be happy?
- Do you find that more minutes of your day are spent thinking about them, missing them, wondering if they are thinking about you?
- When you're out with your friends, are you distracted by thoughts of them, hoping they'll reach out?
Much like needing constant verbal affirmations, someone who is trauma-bonded believes they can never be happy. They need to be with someone, hearing words of love, being intimate, getting their dopamine hit, being told they are a priority, and they will live happily ever after.
Before you were involved, you were a happy person. You were independent and had friends and had fun and didn't spend all of your time focused on someone who wasn't there. Even if you have had unhappy relationships before, you were still able to be happy.
Women who are trauma-bonded are rarely happy when they're not with their partner. That is why they have such a hard time letting them go.
3. They manipulate you into getting what they want
When one of my clients tries to let go, I always encourage her to block the person. Why? Because they have the power, because of the trauma bond, to manipulate her into coming back.
Many trauma-bonded women's partners tell them they need to let go and willingly allow their partner to leave. Their partner wants them to be happy and know they can’t do it, so they leave, but not for long.
Sooner than later, they reach out because they need advice, they are lonely, they need closure, or they want to tell her what she wants to hear. While she might push back for a bit, she always gives. After all, her person is hurting, and they need to be there for them. (Even though their person's pain is completely self-imposed)
A trauma-bonded person without their lover is lost. I they could let go, they would go on to have a happy life and find someone who can love them completely. Yet, they stay unhappy and wait for the moments to return when they hear how wonderful they are and get support.
She is vulnerable to manipulation and has tried and failed to leave, but she will stay no matter the pain inflicted upon her. She stays alone until they reach out and suck her back in. This manipulation is the key part of a trauma bond. One person is manipulating the other to do things they don’t want to do.
4. The same things happen over and over
If you are in a trauma-bonded relationship that you know is unhealthy, the same things keep happening over and over and over.
- Do they make you promises to take action and then don’t?
- Do they promise they will show up and then don't?
- Do they say you are a priority and then choose to go to a soccer game instead of showing up for your birthday?
- Do these things happen over and over?
One sign of a trauma bond is the repeated cycle of abuse where someone has the same experience over and over, and they let it happen. They let their person get away with doing things to hurt them in the name of soul mates, love, and hopes for the future.
5. They have more power in the relationship than you
Take a moment and reflect on your relationship.
- Do they have more power in the relationship than you?
- Did you think, because they say they love you and make you a priority, that you have power over them?
- Does thinking about it point out that they are in control?
People in a trauma-bonded relationship have a skewed power dynamic. The one who has all of the power in the relationship is the one who can determine what happens every step of the way. They can choose to walk away or stay. They can make and break promises knowing there will be no repercussions. They know she will most likely hang around forever.
6. You don’t recognize yourself anymore
One sign of a trauma bond is when the abused person has lost sight of who they are. She no longer sees herself in the mirror and feels good. She needs someone else to define who she is.
I completely lost myself in a trauma bond. I was a shell of the person I was before the relationship started. I was a single woman in NYC, building my business and living a good life. Then I met him and things got better, temporarily. Over time, I became obsessed with him to the point he was all I could think about. It ruined my life in more ways than one.
Once I found the power to let him go, I got my life back. I built a successful business, spent time with friends whom I had abandoned, and finally found the love I was looking for. I loved the woman I saw in the mirror.
7. You are emotionally exhausted
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- Be honest, are you exhausted?
- Do you find you can’t sleep or eat?
- Have you abandoned the things that used to keep you emotionally fulfilled?
- Do you feel weak in the face of the pressure that you are putting on them and the ways you let them manipulate you into staying?
A key part of a trauma bond is this emotional exhaustion. The relationship, instead of lifting you up, pulls you down. You have moments of happiness when you hear from them or are with them, but mostly you are sad, angry, and frustrated. You are exhausted from going through this every day while wondering when things are going to change.
Until you walk away, you are going to be exhausted. It might even make you sick. It will erode your self-esteem and your strength and make walking away even more difficult.
8. You are (unwittingly) hooked on the drama
Many women who are trauma-bonded are unwittingly 'hooked' on the drama of it all. While they are in pain and try to walk away, when their person reaches out again, things are wonderful. They are wonderful because of the drama. The dramatic breaking up ceremony (which sucks) and the dramatic reunion (which is what they longed for).
Why? Because their trauma bond gives them the verbal affirmations they crave. They make the promises she wants. They have amazing make-up intimacy. For a few days, everything is wonderful and the hope is back, until it's not.
Then the whole dramatic process starts again and leads to pain and suffering, only to cycle back to words of love and empty promises.
9. You refuse to accept the truth
The truth is, you will never have the life you want in a trauma bond. Why? Because, despite knowing deep down what I am saying is true, you stay out of a willingness to live with self-delusion, believing someday, everything will be better with no effort to change unhealthy patterns. So you stay and willingly ignore the truth in misery.
A trauma bond tries to make it feel impossible to let go
I know you believe they are the love of your life, you will never be happy without them, and you will never find another love again. I am afraid this shows you are trauma-bonded and have been manipulated into staying with a person who will never change their unhealthy ways.
You only lose who you are, become increasingly sick and exhausted, and refuse to accept the truth about your relationship, a truth that might help you successfully walk away and find the life and the love you want.
Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC-based Certified Life Coach who works with individuals who strive to heal their toxic relationships so they can have their happily ever after. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in The Good Men Project, MSN, PopSugar, Prevention, Huffington Post, Psych Central, among many others.
