People Who Stay In Unhappy Relationships Often Accept These 11 Myths As 'Just How Marriage Is'
Is it really that way, or have people been misled?
Ground Picture via Shutterstock It starts quietly. A sigh. A brush-off. The steady retreat into parallel lives. Many people in long-term relationships begin to accept a version of partnership that feels more like duty than delight. These changes tend to come on slowly, so they're often dismissed as "just how marriage is."
What if many of the beliefs we've absorbed about long-term love are myths, ones that prevent connection, growth, and healing? There are some common myths that people in unhappy relationships often accept as truth. Some are cultural, some are rooted in unresolved trauma, and others come from observing relationships around us. But, as I've learned in my 30 years as a psychologist, none are inevitable.
Here are 11 'just how marriage is' myths people in unhappy relationships accept:
1. Every long-term relationship becomes more like a sibling bond.
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Indeed, comfort and familiarity often increase over time, but that doesn't mean romantic partnership has to turn into a platonic one. Many couples fall into a routine that mirrors family dynamics with less handholding and more calendar management. But this isn't a foregone conclusion. Studies have shown that emotional and physical closeness can increase with age when partners prioritize it.
What creates the "sibling trap" isn't time, it's neglect. When couples stop making space for private rituals, eye contact, touch, and fun, connection fades. But when those things are nurtured, the relationship evolves instead of eroding.
2. After trauma, you're just permanently blocked.
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Many people assume that if they've experienced trauma, especially early in life, their capacity for intimacy is permanently damaged. But trauma isn't a sentence, it's a signal. It points to where healing is needed, not where life must stop.
Trauma creates patterns that feel protective but are often isolating. And yes, it can affect how we give and receive love. But with support, whether from therapy, somatic work, or a safe and emotionally attuned partner, those blocks can be gently released. You are not broken. You're still in motion.
3. You’ll eventually stop being attracted to your partner.
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Attraction does shift over time, but it doesn’t have to disappear. The idea that long-term partners will inevitably lose interest in each other physically is a cultural myth, not a biological certainty. In reality, attraction can deepen when emotional closeness and shared curiosity are nurtured.
Research in the Journal of Personality showed that novelty, trying new things together, and breaking predictable patterns can reignite both emotional and physical connection. Boredom, not time, is often the real culprit. In my newest book, I teach couples how to bring excitement, presence, and intentional energy back into their connection. It’s not about performance or perfection. I t’s about remembering that intimacy can be sacred, playful, and renewed at any stage of life.
4. One or both partners will eventually cheat.
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Infidelity is common, but it’s not inevitable. Believing that betrayal is just part of long-term relationships can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. It creates resignation where boundaries and intention should be.
Many couples navigate decades of faithful partnership, not because they're never tempted, but because they've built emotional closeness, maintained honesty, and created space to feel seen and desired within the relationship itself. The key is staying connected enough that neither partner needs to seek escape to feel alive.
5. You’ll always carry resentments, and that’s just part of being married.
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Resentment is a relationship toxin, but it's often normalized. We joke about "nagging" or the emotional labor imbalance, but we rarely talk about how corrosive it becomes when not addressed.
Carried too long, resentment becomes a wall. But healing is possible when both partners are willing to name what's unsaid, repair what's been damaged, and create new ways of showing up for each other. Resentment isn't a permanent fixture. It’s a flag that something needs tending.
6. Once kids enter the picture, the couple comes second.
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It’s easy to slip into child-centered living, especially when they are little. But prioritizing the relationship doesn’t mean neglecting the children. A connected partnership often benefits the whole family.
Studies in Frontiers in Psychology showed that children thrive in homes where parents are emotionally attuned to each other. Modeling affection, teamwork, and respect teaches children what healthy love looks like. You don’t have to choose between them and each other.
7. You stop caring about your body once you're married.
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This myth reflects a deeper cultural belief that our physical selves are only worth tending when they’re being actively "seen." But our bodies are not just for others, they’re for us.
Many people, especially women, begin to neglect their physical well-being in long-term partnerships, focusing all their energy on caregiving. But movement, self-touch, dance, and mindful presence in the body can be a return to self, not just a way to maintain appearance. Staying connected to your body is a form of self-respect, not vanity.
8. You’ll never get that spark back.
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The early-days excitement of a relationship can feel impossible to reclaim, but that's because we often look for it in the wrong places. We expect spontaneity to strike the same way it did at the beginning, forgetting that now we have to create it.
The spark can return — sometimes in quieter, deeper forms — through shared novelty, curiosity, play, or even just a change in pace. It doesn’t have to look like it did before to still be real.
9. If you're not happy, it must be your fault.
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Self-blame is common in struggling relationships, especially among people who’ve been conditioned to be caretakers. You internalize the cracks. You think if you just worked harder, looked better, or communicated differently, everything would be okay.
But a relationship is a system, not a solo project. If you're feeling unmet, it doesn't mean you're broken. It may mean the system needs rebalancing. Individual work is powerful, but it doesn’t replace the mutual effort a thriving relationship requires.
10. This is just what marriage is.
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Perhaps the most damaging myth of all is that disconnection, bitterness, or numbness are just the price of admission for long-term love. It’s normal to feel lonely in marriage. That good enough is good enough.
But relationships can evolve. They can deepen. They can be repaired. The belief that nothing better is possible keeps people stuck in dynamics that diminish them. Hope isn’t naïve, it’s necessary.
11. You’re the only one feeling this way.
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This myth thrives in silence. It tells you you're alone in your sadness or confusion. That everyone else has figured it out except you.
But you are not the only one. So many people are quietly carrying disappointment, longing, or fear about their relationships. When we start telling the truth about what love looks like and what it can become, we give each other permission to ask for more.
You deserve more than survival in your relationship. You deserve aliveness, mutuality, and a sense of being truly known. Let’s stop calling these myths "normal." Let’s start calling them what they are: invitations to do love differently.
Dr. Laura Berman is author of the book Quantum Love. She is a world-renowned psychologist who has spent 30 years helping others learn to love and be loved better from a mind, body and spiritual perspective. Her latest book is available now.
