8 Things Deeply Problematic Men Do Almost Constantly
Keep a zero-tolerance policy for these kinds of behavior.
Kirill Fokin | Unsplash A 2023 study explained that unhealthy relationships with problematic men can slowly wear down your self-esteem, emotional well-being, and sense of self. What may start as minor red flags can escalate into patterns of control, manipulation, or emotional neglect.
Not all relationships are built to last, but sometimes, the reason they fall apart is entirely avoidable. Deeply problematic men tend to have certain habits that slowly chip away at a relationship until there’s nothing left.
Here are eight things deeply problematic men do almost constantly:
1. Talk down to you
You can automatically tell if someone is deeply probelmatic because they try to get your attention during the first three seconds they see you and they say a classic negging opener like, "You’re so cute! (Pets your head) Can you do tricks?" or "Wow, you're pretty smart!" or they push you away in a group and ask your friends in a hushed tone, "Oh my gosh, is she always like that?"
2. Give backhanded compliments
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Once he's caught your attention, you might notice the way he words his compliments seems a bit off, and it's good to start questioning it and think about what he said again and decipher if it's a backhanded compliment or not. Research has shown that when backhanded compliments become a pattern, it is crucial to address the issue, as it can indicate deeper problems within the relationship dynamic.
"Negging, just like bullying, can show up in different forms. It can show up as a backhanded compliment, straight-out criticism, comparison to an ex, or any other form that puts a person down and makes them feel weak or helpless," says dating coach Joe Amoia.
3. Disguise put-downs as praise
When he's talking to you, he seems as if he's constantly insulting you or pointing out your flaws, disguised as compliments. He'll be especially critical about something that you can't change.
4. Chip away at your confidence
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He purposely makes you feel like only a guy like him would like a certain something about you that you're probably insecure about, like how big your nose is or how you have gapped teeth.
They often disguise themselves as the "nice" guy, so it's hard to realize that what they said was terrible and insidious until you go back and play it over again in your head.
By making you feel that only they value you, the abuser cultivates emotional dependency. An article by the National Domestic Hotline explained that this reliance makes it harder for you to leave the relationship, even if you recognize its toxic nature.
5. Drop comparisons that make you feel like you're never quite enough
Deeply problematic men always think there's competition with women and looks in life, and these men will constantly point it out to try and make you feel insecure about yourself or make you feel like you're not like other girls, but in a bad way.
6. Train you to seek his approval
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Deeply problematic men love to undermine your self-esteem so that you will somehow subconsciously seek their approval all the time. If you notice that you might want to have his approval first for most things, then that's a sign that something is off.
The constant need for approval in a manipulated relationship can develop as a coping mechanism in a chaotic and unpredictable environment. A 2020 study found that manipulators often target individuals with low self-esteem or a strong desire for acceptance, making them more susceptible to manipulation and dependent on the manipulator's validation.
7. Use humor as a weapon
Deeply problematic men always like to throw in insulting jokes, and most likely, it's something that has to do with your appearance or personality.
They might say something like, "I love your hair. It's not your natural color, is it?” or, “Your nails look cute. They're real, right?” when they know you might dye your hair or get tips or fake nails done.
8. Give the bare minimum to keep you hanging on
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Deeply problematic men will try and make themselves appear more desirable to you by touching or teasing you only sometimes. Whenever you try to reciprocate, he doesn't let you.
He only does the bare minimum to try and wrap you around his finger and then thinks he can be a jerk to you. Nothing a man says when he is negging a woman is meant as a compliment.
Life coach Michelle Thompson explained that men who use negging are simply unwilling to feel their feelings. "They use it as a way to get you to handle those feelings for them. For instance, when they realize they have been hurtful, they respond by saying 'I was just joking' or 'you’re too sensitive,' instead of feeling their sadness and shame."
According to Thompson, men use negging as a strategy to shift responsibility away from themselves onto you. Research shows men are also notorious for projecting their insecurities onto women. One way men do that is to deliver a back-handed compliment, an insult disguised as a compliment (so it isn't a compliment at all).
According to Amoia, an example of negging in the form of a backhanded compliment is if a guy says to a woman and says, "You'd have an incredible body if your butt was a little bigger." They point out something they think you would be insecure about.
This is the underpinning concept behind all negging. Because, on the surface, negging is supposed to be fun and harmless and casual. If you take it as an insult, you're overreacting, so you're flawed, not the jerk who's doing the negging.
And by making you feel like there's something wrong with you for being hurt by what are genuinely hurtful insults, your confidence plummets, and the guy wins.
How to respond to deeply problematic men? Amoia suggests two ways in which you can respond to negging: "The first is to try to explain to the person how their words made you feel. The second is to tell them to leave you alone."
"I'm not a big believer in trying to tell a grown adult how to behave," Amoia continues, "so I'm going to recommend option number two every time. The best way to respond is to take responsibility for your well-being — for example, say, 'I will not be around you when you speak to me that way.' Then leave the room."
Bottom line: keep a zero-tolerance policy for this kind of behavior. It wasn't cool on the playground, and despite whatever some jerks think (probably the same kids who pulled the same stupid pranks on the girls they liked in elementary school), it certainly hasn't aged well.
Rebecca Jane Stokes is a writer with a passion for lifestyle, geek news, and true crime.
