7 Subtle Digs Disguised As Compliments That Mean A Man Is Negging You
These might sound flattering at first, but these sneaky remarks are meant to chip away at your confidence.
Mr Arif | Canva Men have truly odd notions of flirting etiquette. Many subconsciously perceive mate-feeding to be associated with showing more intimacy with their object of desire, while others are practically phobic about sharing the food on their plate and would rather pay for an extra order of the same dish — to each their own (in more ways than one).
Perhaps a more conventional concept, though still odd, is that while women are taught to run and hide, men are taught to chase and hunt. (In a more scientific context, men should always be the initiators, while women should be more discriminating.)
It's like an Impossible Rubik's Cube that no level of dating prowess is guaranteed to be neg-proof. Negging, a "technique" promoted by self-proclaimed pick-up artists as a great way to meet women, has become practically ubiquitous. And if you don't want to fall victim to the manipulative practice, you need to know what to watch for.
The idea of negging is to disarm a woman, knocking down her confidence with an unexpectedly negative remark disguised as a compliment, thus making her more susceptible to the romantic advances of a man she may not otherwise give the time of day.
According to dating coach Joe Amoia, negging is a form of emotional manipulation. "A person uses emotional manipulation to play off the weakness and insecurities of another to make themselves feel better or more powerful," he says.
Is it as awful as it sounds? Well, yes, very much so. In research published in the Journal of Aggression, Conflict and Peace Research, researchers described negging as "the purposeful lowering of a woman’s self-esteem to increase perceived attractiveness of the man to achieve a conquest" and warned that it "could escalate into an abusive intimate relationship."
Unfortunately, because of how men and women are programmed when it comes to love and dating, negging is also alive and well, and it often works. Of course, that doesn't make it any less offensive and despicable.
Here are 7 subtle digs disguised as compliments that mean a man is negging you:
1. Backhanded compliments
- “Wow? I would never be brave enough to go in an outfit like that."
- “I’m so impressed that you decided to become a teacher. I would never think anyone could survive on that salary.”
2. 'Constructive' feedback
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- “Hey, I noticed you were struggling to get up this hill. Maybe you should try bringing more water next time."
- "I can tell you worked hard on that look tonight. There's this great Instagram account I follow, you might get some better ideas from."
Research shows that backhanded compliments trigger stronger feelings of social comparison than traditional compliments, highlighting the negative impact on self-perception. This technique aims to undermine someone's confidence and create a dependency on the manipulator's approval.
3. Comparisons to others
- "My best friend at work is an Instagram model. Maybe she can give you some weight loss tips."
- "Your friend over there has a killer body. Have you thought about working out with her?"
4. 'Jokes' at your expense
- "Whoa, you look good from across the bar!"
- "Cool shoes! My mom had a pair like those when I was in high school."
Research has found that the humor element of negging can leave you confused and questioning yourself. You might wonder if you're being overly sensitive or if the comment was meant to hurt you.
5. Playing the victim
- "I hate to sound jealous, but you seem more interested in that guy over there."
- "Wait, were you offended by that? It's really hard for guys to deal with a woman who has so much baggage that she thinks every guy is being a jerk, no matter what."
6. One-upmanship
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- "Nice necklace. My ex had one like that, but the diamonds were a bit bigger."
- "I'm glad you're feeling better. The last time I had a cold, I ended up having to be hospitalized for pneumonia, so lucky you."
By belittling or diminishing the target's achievements, experiences, or ideas, the negger attempts to momentarily lower their self-esteem and highlight their own perceived superiority. A 2017 study found that this behavior often stems from the negger's insecurities or a need to feel important and validated.
7. Disguising insults as questions
- "Are you sure you want to eat that dessert?"
- "Do you think you can hike the full 3 miles?"
Rebecca Jane Stokes is an editor, freelance writer, former Senior Staff Writer for YourTango, and the former Senior Editor of Pop Culture at Newsweek. Her bylines have appeared in Fatherly, Gizmodo, Yahoo Life, Jezebel, Apartment Therapy, Bustle, Cosmopolitan, SheKnows, and many others.
