How To Stop Being The Best Friend When You Really Want To Be His Girlfriend

You’ve been dating a guy for a few months and maybe he’s been going through some rough patches. You’re naturally good at supporting and being there for him, but the romantic energy starts to fade. You're starting to feel more like a best friend than a girlfriend.

If you want more, you have to interrupt that pattern.

After a while, he will only engage when it seems he is in need of emotional support. Naturally, this leaves you feeling confused and anxious, needing to know whether he's the type who can easily build emotional intimacy or if you're just a receptacle for his feelings. Before you go off the deep end, here are some things to consider:

1. Lead with openness, but match his energy

Being warm and emotionally available is a strength — but only give as much as they’re giving back. Here are a few examples of how to do that: 

• If they vent often but don’t ask about you, pull back your emotional labor
• If they call and text daily but avoid flirty or future-oriented talk, notice the imbalance and stop planning a future or acting like you have a romantic one together (for now)
• If they’re not showing romantic investment, don’t play therapist or emotional sponge

Ask yourself: "Am I building intimacy — or am I being used for emotional support?"

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2. Stop expecting to be men's 'safe space' 

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Sometimes we step into being the comfort zone too quickly. We start acting like a man's wife or long-term partner early on, building what feels like emotional intimacy, but may simply be an imbalanced support relationship. Here are a few examples of how that looks:

• Overgiving
• Over-supporting and being available whenever is convenient for them
• Holding space without boundaries

These behaviors teache them one crucial lesson: "I don’t have to do much to get her attention or connection.”

New approach:
Let people earn closeness — don’t give them “boyfriend-level access” when they’re still in the “getting-to-know-you” stage. After all, you don't truly know them at the level of a true partner right away. In fact, research shows that the process of getting to know someone begins around two months and people don't really know or understand one another until somewhere around 14 months of friendship. Rushing it won't help bring him closer to you. 

3. State your intentions early

When you say what you want early, the men who just want comfort or casual connection tend to fall away — and that’s a good thing. Yes, you may feel uncomfortable when he stops texting or calling, but he was likely always going to disappear. This way, he doesn't waste your time and you can find a man who wants the same things as you, instead! 

You don’t have to lead with "I want a relationship," but you can lead with clarity. Try saying something like, “I value emotional connection, but I’m ultimately looking for a partner who shows up with intention.”

New approach: Practice saying things that are true and direct. Here are a few examples:

• “I love deep conversations — but I also want to build something that has mutual romantic energy.”
• “It’s important to me that effort goes both ways — that’s how I feel connected and safe.”

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4. Protect your romantic energy

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Protecting our energy is important in all sorts of relationships, from family to friendships and partners. This can be a challenging skill to learn if you didn't grow up in a family that taught you healthy, loving boundaries. But don't worry, you can learn them now and set yourself up for being the kind of girlfriend who receives as much love and support as she gives. Which you do! 

Ask yourself:

• Does he hold emotional space for you, listening, supporting and cheering you on? 
• Does he also play the role of the initiator when it comes to connection sometimes? Showing up unprompted to be an emotional support for you?
• Is he putting in effort to woo, pursue, impress, or plan?

New approach: Stop showing up like a partner to someone who isn’t showing up like one for you. Remember your value and what you know you deserve — an equal partner.

5. Look for intentional men, not just emotionally expressive ones

Just because a man is vulnerable, chatty, or consistent doesn’t mean he’s ready for love. Just because he cries or opens up about his feelings doesn't mean he's ready for true emotional intimacy. 

The men who only want comfort will do the following, repeatedly:

• Keep it vague, including your relationship status
• Call/text a lot but not make future plans
• Open up but avoid showing deeper interest in you 

New approach: Ask yourself if he is emotionally safe and emotionally available. If you don't feel emotionally safe, like you could be just as expressive back to him and receive support, let that relationship change or fall away. 

6. Allow the ones who don't match your energy to fall away

When you value yourself and your time, dating partners who can’t show up fully will fall away and become less attractive options. 

Those of us with a big heart who love to help and heal can find ourselves in this position because we feel needed. Notice if you may be overgiving and attracted to those who are in need of comfort and emotional support vs. a relationship with true intimacy and vulnerability. If you find yourself in a limbo where you feel there is potential, but words and actions are not aligning, it may be time to move on. 

New approach: Trust your gut and build your trust on consistent actions over time, not just romantic words and grand overtures. 

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Stephanie Lazzara is an ICF certified Professional life coach based in NYC. She empowers women to learn new skills for empowered dating and relationships.