8 Emotional Responsibilities Wives Take On That Husbands Don't Even See
Even though wives don't verbalize it, they often struggle in silence.
Prostock-studio | Shutterstock In many marriages, wives often carry the unseen emotional responsibilities that go into shared decision-making and maintaining her family's daily routine. From remembering birthdays to setting up doctors appointments, wives act as the emotional anchors to their families. These tasks may feel minimal, but they require both mental and emotional labor that often goes unnoticed.
The emotional responsibilities wives take on that husbands don't even see makes it challenging for these women to feel appreciated. These duties are often performed out of love and necessity, after all. When husband open up a conversation with their wives about sharing part of the daily tasks, they can create a stronger partnership.
Here are 8 emotional responsibilities wives take on that husbands don't even see
1. Managing everyone's mental load
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As the primary caregivers, wives frequently take on the role of a mediator, smoothing things over between family members. Taking on the mental loads of everyone in the family is one of the emotional responsibilities wives take on that husbands don't even see or completely ignore.
An article from the Research Institute for Forensic Neuropsychology found that women often do the bulk of the work when it comes to looking after the well-being of loved ones. This includes setting up appointments, running errands, and always being an emotional ear to people when they need it.
The emotional labor of managing the feelings of others without having the space to process their own can be isolating. Wives may feel that their emotional needs are secondary or that they must always appear as the strong and supportive figure for everyone around them.
Husbands may not always recognize just how much emotional labor goes into these tasks. It's a thankless job that their husbands are often praised for, which shows just how much pressure is put on women with minimal to no rewards. This is why wives feel drained or emotionally exhausted, but keep going due to societal pressures.
2. Remembering the 'little things'
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The "little things" can range from keeping track of important dates like birthdays and anniversaries to creating grocery lists. Those seemingly small details can accumulate over time without any acknowledgement or thanks.
Remembering everything is not as easy as it seems, especially for husbands who tend to forget frequently. But due to societal norms, women, particularly wives, are seen as the ones who should serve as the family's mental library of providing information.
According to Pew Research Center, 64% of mothers in a two-parent household say that they do more than their spouses when it comes to managing their children's schedules and activities.
Husbands often forget just how much energy is poured into these activities, such as buying them gear or communicating with other parents about play dates just to get them outside for a bit to socialize. All of this is to enrich the children's lives and make them more productive members of society, but it shouldn't all be on one person.
3. Being the default communicator
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Wives often find themselves as bridges between their husbands and everyone else in their lives. For husbands, their wives are treated as both memory banks and translators at the same time. This type of treatment can get worrisome when scheduled events or tasks that need to be done get forgotten and wives are left to handle the oversight.
Being the default communicator in the family means that wives are held responsible for how well the family appears at the functions socially. Unfortunately for women, due to societal pressures, they have been conditioned to become expert communicators and have better memories compared to their male counterparts.
In fact, a study published in the journal Memory found that women recalled more details than men in both individual and collaborative recall sessions. This is because women often assume the role of memory keepers, guiding the couple's collective recollections through strong narrative skills.
4. Monitoring the kids' emotional well-being
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While many fathers are caring and involved, this particular type of emotional responsibility is defaulted to mothers most of the time. Mothers are unusually the first to sense when something is wrong with their children. From noticing subtle changes in their mood to checking in after a tough day at school, they ask follow up questions, often staying attuned to their children's physical and mental needs.
Despite mothers being the ones to tend to their children's emotional needs, according to experts, both parents should be equally invested in what their children are up to. Research from Penn State found that supportive relationships with fathers during adolescence can help mitigate issues such as low self-esteem, weight concerns, and depressive symptoms in children.
This is why it's important for husbands to monitor the emotional well-being of their children alongside their wives, rather than observing them growing from a distance.
5. Absorbing guilt when things go wrong
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Often called "mom guilt," feeling like they can't do anything right when things go haywire is one of the unfortunate emotional responsibilities wives take on that husbands don't even see. When conflicts arise or plans fall through the cracks, wives often blame themselves for things going wrong.
Wives internalize their perceived failure, believing that it's their duty to prevent these situations or to resolve them. It's not easy to be relegated to a role that you never wanted in the first place and watch as you fail to meet the unrealistic standard that you set for yourself. This often leads to feeling inadequate, even when the issue is beyond their control.
Even when a husband shares equal responsibility for the outcome, the emotional burden often falls on the wife. One study published in the British Journal of Social Psychology found that working mothers experience higher levels of guilt compared to fathers, particularly when they believe that their work interferes with their family time.
This guilt comes from gender stereotypes that often associate women with family care and men with work. By only sharing the guilt together can husbands help ease the burden on their wives and create a space for self-love rather than self-loathing.
6. Creating and maintaining family traditions
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Wives tend to take on the unseen task of creating or maintaining family traditions for their children and are expected to pass those responsibilities down to them. From planning holiday celebrations and birthday traditions to extended family vacations, these events are more than just traditions to those who expect the wives to do them; rather, they are generational continuities belonging to both sides of the family.
The emotional labor involved in planning and upholding family rituals can evoke similar feelings of guilt and pressure on wives. A study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that women felt guilt when it came to performing maternal food-work, like feeding their children or others, and the possibility of not living up to the high standards.
The burden of remembering what recipes worked or didn't, who sat where, or even what kind of gifts everyone wanted can take a toll on a woman's mental health.
7. Being the emotional safety net
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What makes the role of being the emotional safety net for the family taxing on wives is how underappreciated they often feel. Being a sound board to others' problems can be emotionally draining but beneficial to those doing the talking.
There's nothing wrong with being there emotionally for your family, but when you're left alone to deal with your emotions, it changes your perspective. Though this can be beneficial to those sharing their concerns, it can be draining for the wife.
A study published in Psychology of Men & Masculinities found that women are more likely to take on the emotional labor in relationships, particularly when dealing with stress, while husbands are less likely to reciprocate. The issue arises when wives have nowhere to unload their emotional burdens and have to rely on themselves for emotional support.
8. Suppressing their emotions to keep the peace
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One of the most obvious emotional responsibilities wives take on that husbands don't even see is putting their own feelings, wants and needs after everyone else's. Suppressing themselves to keep the peace takes an emotional toll on wives, which can make them depressed and anxious.
They may take on the responsibility of managing their husband's mood swings or make excuses for their behavior in public. This emotional burden causes them to put their own feelings on the back burner and makes the suppression of anger worse.
They can feel the weight of ensuring that everyone in the family feels understood while their own feelings are dismissed or misunderstood. And research from the University of Texas at Austin found that women who engage in more emotional work may experience greater psychological strain, especially when their partners are not reciprocal on the emotional effort. This can make her feel socially withdrawn as she feels unsupported by those around her.
Sylvia Ojeda is an author with a decade of experience writing novels and screenplays. She covers self-help, relationships, culture, and human interest topics.
