People Who Secretly Don’t Like You Almost Always Use These 11 Phrases When Talking To You
Vovatol | Shutterstock It's generally easy to tell when a person likes you. They light up when you walk into a room, they want to spend time with you. When you're together or chatting, they share their vulnerable side, revealing their dreams and fears. But when someone secretly doesn't like you, it can be a lot harder to tell.
Most of the time, people who don't like you are obvious about it. They won't engage with you, they'll roll their eyes, they talk badly about you to others and may even say rude things to your face. But things get tricky when someone is pretending to care about you. These people aren't honest about how they feel, sow can you tell the difference? Often, they share that disdain with certain phrases.
People who secretly don’t like you almost always use these 11 phrases when talking to you
1. 'I guess some people have low standards'
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When someone says this phrase, it means they hold themselves above you and don't really respect you or your choices. The key words here are "some people" and by some people, this person probably means you.
Here's a helpful example: If you tell someone about how your boyfriend forgot your anniversary or didn't notice your new haircut, and they respond by mentioning other people's low standards, those other people they're referring to are actually you.
They might think they're being subtle, but really, their contempt is coming bout via this passive aggressive behavior. In other words, they want you to know they think you have low standards (which is aggressive) but they aren't respectful enough to be direct about it (that's where they're being passive).
While passive-aggressive behavior can seem nothing more than annoying, it can have serious effects. Researchers in Korea have even developed a rating scale for passive aggressive behavior to help people know how seriously to take it.
In a behavioral science journal, those researchers shared these words of caution:
"Even though passive aggression was not included in the diagnostic system for mental disorders, it should not be dismissed. Passive aggression originates from the depths of an individual’s personality and produces pathological effects through various types of behavior."
In other words, it's not cute and you shouldn't tolerate it.
2. 'I couldn't handle being in your situation'
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Imagine that you open up to a friend and reveal that you're struggling with your job, your relationship, or your role as a parent. You peel back all your protective layers and let your friend see the real you, with all your vulnerabilities, worries, and imperfections. You probably expect support, thoughtful advice or even just a hug.
Now, imagine that your friend responds by saying, "I couldn't handle being in your situation" or "you're so much more tolerant that I am".
These phrases are false compliments. They sound like they think you're strong, but they're basically saying, "You're a fool for doing this, and I'm smart enough not to tolerate it."
If they were a real friend, someone with your best intentions in mind, they would say something more along the lines of, "I don't think you should have to tolerate that situation" or "I wish you didn't have to experience that, it's not fair to you." They may also just listen, ask if they can help or support you in some way, or simply offer a hug.
3. 'That's so typical of you'
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Unless they're referring to something positive, like your optimistic outlook, tendency to see the best in someone, or ability to turn a bad situation into a good one, a person who tells you that something you've done is "so you" is essentially putting you down.
For example, if you make a mistake or have your feelings hurt by someone else, they may try to make you feel even worse by saying it's "so you" to have that happen. They might not like your choice of partner or disagree with your lifestyle, but instead of being honest, they use this vague overgeneralization.
When someone uses this phrase, they're essentially putting you in a box, as if to say, "Well, I expected you'd do that." It shows they have very little faith in your ability to make the right choices for yourself, and they're passive-aggressively telling you that they don't really support you.
Worse, they want you to believe that these mistakes or unfortunate circumstances are part of who you are, rather than bad luck or a mistake you can learn and grow from. This leads to shame, and, as Brené Brown famously says, shame is not productive or helpful. A true friend wants you to be happy, not ashamed.
4. 'We can't all be perfect'
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Someone might say this when you tell them about a mistake you made at work, like bombing a presentation or putting your foot in your mouth in front of your boss. You're seeking affirmation and reassurance, but someone who secretly doesn't like you will dismiss it, as if your feelings don't matter at all.
Even worse, saying, "We can't all be perfect" highlights what you did wrong and ignores any attempt to make you feel better, all said with an air of superiority. People who say this phrase probably think they're better than everyone else, which is really a sign that they're hiding their own deep insecurities by insulting you.
In other words, this person is not a good friend.
5. 'I could never pull off that outfit'
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Everyone has their own sense of style. Ideally, people should dress in a way that makes them feel good, without worrying what anyone else thinks. Yet, in reality, one barbed comment about our clothes can make us feel bad about ourselves and deflate our confidence. Should what we wear matter? No. Does it? Absolutely.
While some people may say "I could never pull off that outfit" in a fun way, you'll know it. They'll smile and look at you with admiration. They may say something unkind about their own style or body, which is unfortunate, but they won't say or imply something unkind about you or what you're wearing.
Otherwise, if someone tells you they could never pull off what you're wearing, it's a thinly-veiled insult, designed to poke at your sense of self-worth, which researchers and experts insist can be a covert way to control you. While this comment seems fit for the high school cafeteria, it's no secret that bullying can happen at any age.
Whoever says something snarky like this probably doesn't feel secure in who they are, which is no excuse for poor behavior, but it helps soothe the pain to know that phrases like this have less to do with you than with them. Regardless, this person probably secretly doesn't like you, and you don't have to stand for it.
6. 'You've always been such an individual'
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This phrase is another sign that someone doesn't really like you, or at least resents you. Individuality and creativity are traits that should be celebrated, yet when a person dislikes you, they'll wield them like weapons. They try to make you feel bad for being who you are by calling attention to the parts of your personality that make you stand out.
It's possible your friend doesn't realize they're doing this. Maybe they lack a social filter or have no idea they're being rude, but by continuing to behave this way, they show that they don't like you enough to be thoughtful in what they say (and how they say it). Good friends are authentic and honest while still being kind.
It's hard to let statements like this slide, but as they say, the best revenge is living well. So, keep doing what you're doing. Let your most authentic self shine through, while the people who won't like you stand on the sidelines, blinded by your glow.
7. 'We have different priorities'
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A person who tells you they have different priorities is basically throwing shade at the decisions you've made. They might work as an activist while you're climbing the corporate ladder, or maybe they are staying home to raise kids while you work. Regardless, someone who truly likes you will support your goals, and you'll support theirs, too.
Everyone has their own set of values they live by, and most of the time they don't have to match in order for someone to be a good person. In fact, even when people have different priorities or goals, research shows that their values tend to match — even across cultures.
While close friends do tend to have overlapping goals and values, we tend to be attracted to what researchers call "like-minded others", people who are generally like us, but who have differences that make the relationship interesting.
In other words, there is no need to disparage someone whose goals are different. As long as you're not actively causing others harm, your choices are no one's business but your own and any so-called friend who feels a need to do this doesn't really like you.
8. 'You must not care what people think'
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This phrase is another example of casting not-so-subtle judgment on your demeanor or how you present yourself to the outside world.
Someone who uses this phrase probably lives according to other people's expectations, and feels threatened by anyone who breaks the mold. Or, they may know that you do care if peole are judging you, and they're targeting a vulnerable part of you.
When a person looks at what you're wearing or how you're dancing or what you've decided to eat for dinner and tells you that you must not care what anyone else thinks, they're insulting you in a way that reveals their own insecurities. They might not like you, but they like themselves even less. Either that or they're just cruel.
Regardless, this is a person who doesn't like you enough to care about the impact of their words. The positive side? You really do not need to care what that person thinks.
9. 'I'm not judging but...'
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Someone who secretly doesn't like you will tell you that they're not being judgmental, when really, that's all they're being. This phrase is the epitome of being judgy, the holy grail of someone declaring their intentions to undermine you while pretending to be your friend.
False friendships are based on harsh judgment, whereas a truly nourishing friendship is based on mutual respect, care, and acceptance, even when your friend doesn't agree with you.
That's why anytime someone says, "Not that I'm...." you should probably assume that they are being exactly that thing, at least until they prove you wrong. If you're not sure whether you're being judged unfairly, a good friend will be receptive to you speaking up. After all, being clear is kind, as Brené Brown teaches in her best-selling book, Dare To Lead.
Try saying something like, "Hey, I know you said you're not judging, but it feels like you are and it feels unkind." Whatever your friend says next will tell you a lot about whehter they secretly don't like you, or if they simply made a mistake.
10. 'I'm just really busy'
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This is a classic phrase that people use when they secretly don't like you but don't have the courage to tell you how they really feel. It's like ghosting for friendship, something many of us have experienced.
Of course, there are times when people who truly do care about us are busy. Maybe they just had a baby, are starting a business, working on a big project, or are caring for an aging loved one. If that's the case, you need to be understanding. You can also look for signs that they still care about you in whether they reply when you text, and how.
Do they call when they are in the car or other times not busy? Look for indicators like that rather than expecting things to stay exactly the same. Maybe the friendship isn't as active as it once was, but that's OK. Things change, and they'll likely change back if the connection remains.
However, if you're the only one reaching out, someone who tells you they're "just so busy" doesn't actually want to spend time with you. By being indirect, they're stringing you along. They don't like you enough (or maybe they don't like themselves enough) to be clear.
People who blame how busy they are for their lack of commitment or follow-through tend to be emotionally avoidant, and you deserve someone who will actually show up for you, without making excuses.
11. 'Aww, you're so cute'
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Some friends, especially women, are generous with genuine compliments, but not all friends give compliments that are meant to be kind. Saying, "Aww, that's cute" or "You're so cute" is the equivalent of someone saying, "Bless your heart" — a well-known platitude that is intended to be patronizing, placing the person saying it in a position of superiority over the other.
"You're cute", when said with a hint of snark, is patronizing and is a peek into how that person really feels about you. They probably think you're silly, ridiculous or maybe even pathetic, and only someone who secretly doesn't like you would feel this way or express that sentiment.
So trust your gut when you hear something like this, and remember that good friends treat each other kindly.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.
