The Art Of Staying Classy Under Fire: 4 Simple Responses That Shut Down Insults Instantly
Having class doesn't mean staying silent.
Mohammad Amin | Unsplash Insulting words come in many forms. There are outright mean insults and cut deep, "funny" insults that come under the guise of joking, and degrading words that come from people who are naturally condescending and have not learned how to address others respectfully.
Then some people insult your intelligence by claiming to have all the answers. If people who consistently come up with mean words to say to someone go unchecked, their interactions can easily devolve into toxic conversations that people need to walk away from to preserve their sanity. Luckily, there are a few tried and true ways to deal with insults without losing your cool.
According to TikToker and trial attorney Jefferson Fisher, “When people insult you, they’re looking for that hit of dopamine of your negative reaction.” Insults are a way of getting emotional feedback, albeit dysfunctional.
There are several reasons why people insult others. One is that they perceive a threat from the other person, and the insult is a defense mechanism. The insult is a way of releasing the physiological and emotional tension created by the insulting person’s anger and frustration.
Insults are also a way of placing the blame elsewhere. It assigns fault to another party, valid or not. People who sling insults use them as a way of dodging accountability and making someone else responsible for their discomfort or the untenable situation.
According to Fisher, to deal with insults from other people, you must first adapt the mindset that you’re going to “add distance between what they said and how you respond”. He offers the following options when considering how to deal with insults.
Here are 4 simple responses that shut down insults instantly:
1. Stare them down
The first option Fisher gives is to stare your insulter down. This creates an awkward silence that causes them to rethink their words. And that eye contact can get especially uncomfortable.
According to therapist Gloria Brame, eye contact and nonverbal cues can communicate more effectively than words. The combination of unflinching eye contact and deliberate silence essentially turns the insulter's negative energy back on them, making them acutely aware of their inappropriate behavior without you having to say a single word.
2. Continue doing what you’re doing
Krakenimages.com / Shutterstock
Because the person insulting you is looking for emotional feedback from you, ignoring them and going about your business is a good reaction to insults. Give them no indication that you are bothered by their words.
Licensed psychologist Dr. Sandra Cohen emphasizes this approach through the gray rock method, where not responding means perfecting the skill of becoming emotionally non-responsive. The power of this technique lies in its simplicity because by maintaining your composure and carrying on with your tasks, you deny the insulter their desired emotional payoff.
3. Ask their name and ask them to repeat the insult
Fisher says that this particular option works well on people you don’t know personally. After they insult you, ask their name, then request that they repeat what they said. “It totally takes the wind out of their sail,” he says. It takes away the impact of their offensive words.
Research indicates that verbal aggression is often used as a tool for controlling and manipulating others through language, but this strategy disrupts that control mechanism. By requesting identification, you shift from being a passive target to an active participant who is calmly documenting the exchange.
4. Agree with their insult
Franci Leoncio / Shutterstock
If you happen to know the person hurling insults at you, agree with what they said. Fisher says, “By agreeing to it, I totally take away that satisfaction of the dopamine.” As an example, he uses, “Well, maybe you’re right,” then proceeds to ask the aggressor if they are feeling okay, turning the tables.
Withholding your emotions when you're being criticized or insulted is one of the best ways to disarm someone and their enablers, according to trauma recovery expert Julie L. Hall. The best way to disarm someone is to be in complete control of your emotions and not feed their ego.
Some other options for handling insults are to laugh it off, express how it made you feel, return the insult, accept it as constructive criticism, or, if it makes you feel unsafe, report it to the authorities.
How you react to insults can vary depending on the circumstances. Understanding the motives behind another person's actions and allowing yourself to feel emotions is important in moving past the insult to resolution.
NyRee Ausler is a writer from Seattle, Washington, and the author of seven books. She focuses on lifestyle and human interest stories that deliver informative and actionable guidance on interpersonal relationships, enlightenment, and self-discovery.
