10 Ways Couples Talk To Each Other When Things Are Super Unhealthy In Their Relationship
How toxic is your relationship?
Kateryna Hliznitso | Unsplash Toxic romantic relationships almost always include toxic communication patterns. In her book Toxic People, Jillian Glass described a relationship dynamic in which one or both people intentionally or unintentionally undermine, disrespect, or put down the other.
In couples, these kinds of communication tendencies are often associated with cycles of painful fights or even breakups, followed by dramatic reconciliations — making for a very tense, chaotic, and unstable foundational connection. Toxic communication patterns can have negative psychological consequences for people in relationships.
For example, in a sample of 457 former and current romantic partners of people with psychopathic traits — recruited from support-group websites, Forth and colleagues found noteworthy emotional consequences of being in a romantic partnership with someone who has a tendency to act in intentionally mean, impulsive, and harmful ways.
To put it another way, being in a relationship with someone who has toxic tendencies was associated with trauma responses (hypervigilance, obsessive thinking, reliving events), symptoms of depression and anxiety, biological consequences (difficulty sleeping), and guilt or shame.
Here are ten ways couples talk to each other when things are super unhealthy in their relationship:
1. Direct put-downs
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Comments that intentionally try to make someone feel bad about who they are as a person. This is often reflected through using labels that cut someone down and label them with a negative light, like calling them “stupid” or “a loser.”
2. Targeting vulnerability
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Capitalizing on a partner’s insecurities and vulnerabilities in a mean-spirited way. For example, during a heated argument, saying, “You’re still just as insecure and jealous as you’ve always been — your ex was right about you.”
When one partner uses vulnerable information to attack or manipulate the other, it can significantly damage trust within the relationship. The partner whose vulnerabilities were targeted may become hesitant to share openly in the future, creating emotional distance. Research has also found that the effects of targeting vulnerabilities can linger long after the incident, affecting future relationships and overall well-being
3. Intentionally lying
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Being blatantly dishonest with a mate is a big no-no. Lying inherently erodes trust in a relationship, making it hard to stay connected when dishonesty is discovered.
4. Passive-aggressive messages
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This is basically nonverbally communicating one message but verbally stating another. For example, when asked how a person is feeling, they may respond by saying, “I’m fine. Everything is good,” even though it’s clear that they’re angry, sad, or generally upset.
Research underscores the detrimental impact of passive-aggressive communication on couples. This pattern communication plays a significant role in fostering conflict, eroding trust, increasing loneliness, impacting mental health, and potentially leading to the ending of the relationship.
5. Gaslighting
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Intentionally trying to make someone doubt their perspective or sanity. For example, to make someone doubt their choices, a partner might say, “You’re just insane. Your feelings are flat-out wrong.”
6. Stonewalling
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Cutting off contact, communication, or even physical touch to punish a mate. Here, it’s the lack of contact and communication that’s harmful.
Research stresses the distinction that unintentional stonewalling, which often stems from emotional overwhelm, and intentional stonewalling, which can be a form of manipulation can be mistaken for each other. Where one is most likely a symptom of past trauma, the latter can be considered emotional abuse.
7. Deflecting responsibility
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Explaining away unacceptable behavior, being defensive, or refusing to see one's role in conflict (even if it’s a small one). Instead of owning disrespectful commentary, for example, a person may say, “I only acted that way because I love you so much; you know I never meant to hurt you.”
8. Disrespectful non-verbal cues
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Body language, vocal intonation, eye contact, and/or other non-verbal cues that indicate dismissal and disapproval. Although a person may not say something directly disrespectful, they can communicate disregard, discontent, and disinterest very easily without words.
Research strongly suggests that disrespectful nonverbal communication can have serious, cascading negative consequences for both the couple and the individuals within the relationship. Because nonverbal cues are open to misinterpretation, it is crucial for couples to verbally address their body language preferences and seek clarification when unsure of their partner's nonverbal messages.
9. Emotional aggression
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Screaming, shouting, and highly emotionally volatile interactions. Big blow-out fights lead people to say mean things — not just in content, but in tone. It’s not only what is said but how it’s said that can be problematic.
10. Contempt
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Coming from a place of superiority with an extreme disregard for a person because they are “less than.” For example, saying something like, “I’m a much better catch than you—you’re lucky that I’ve put up with your crap this long.”
Romantic relationships, marriages, and long-term connections can be really hard — it’s normal to have some ups and downs. That said, if you find yourself in a toxic pattern of communication with your mate that’s characterized by blaming, name-calling, disrespectful dialogue, or contempt that is damaging your physical, emotional, or spiritual well-being, it also may be time to move on.
Research by the Gottman Institute identified contempt as one of his 'Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,' a set of communication patterns that can predict relationship failure. Contempt damages the foundation of a healthy relationship by fostering disrespect and emotional distance.
Note: This content is only for informational and educational purposes and should not be considered therapy or any form of treatment. I cannot respond to personal requests for advice over the internet. Best on your continued journey.
Dr. Cortney Warren is a Board-Certified Clinical Psychologist and expert on eating disorders, self-deception, and the practice of psychotherapy from a cross-cultural perspective.
