7 Undeniable Signs You And Your Partner Lack Basic Compatibility To Ever Make It Work
You two may love each other but if you don't agree on these things, it's going to be a rough road.
ProfessionalStudioImages | Canva The strongest relationships are built on a foundation of compatibility, where both partners align in the ways that matter most. When that compatibility is missing, no amount of effort can force those puzzle pieces to fit together.
Have you ever doubted your partner? Just thought to yourself that maybe — just maybe — you might not be a good fit. Incompatible couples rarely ever make it too far. Even if you know in your gut something is off, and maybe you're incompatible with your partner, you might think it's nothing more than how things are. But whatever you do, don't just 'deal with it' because even minor incompatibilities can wreak havoc on even the most promising relationships.
Here are 7 undeniable signs you and your partner lack basic compatibility to ever make it work:
1. You want different things
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One of you wants to travel the world and swim in all the oceans, while the other wants to settle down, raise a family, and get a steady job. This is incompatibility.
You both want different things out of life. If one of you settles for the other, this can lead to resentment, especially with wants as far off from each other as the ones above.
A significant clash in life priorities can point to an inability to build a shared future. However, research does suggest that some differences can actually be complementary by creating a balanced dynamic rather than a conflicting one.
Having a different idea of right or wrong, or what you stand up for and believe, can also cause issues in a relationship. One of you may want to join the Peace Corps, while the other believes it's a waste of time. This, again, is wanting two different things from the core values.
2. Your partner is a caretaker but rarely a caregiver
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We all want to be wanted and appreciated. If your partner always receives care and affection but never gives it, it might be time to re-evaluate the relationship. While a caregiver offers compassionate, empathetic support, a caretaker is driven by a need for control and validation.
Research has found that this dynamic often leads to a codependent and imbalanced relationship. Logic follows that those who are not compatible are not happy. They are unhappy with each other or with the relationship, which can turn into being unhappy with themselves.
3. You handle money differently
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If you have different values about money, the relationship won't go anywhere. You might love spending money — who doesn’t like buying nice things? But if they're a tight penny pincher, it might be a problem. You both need to be on the same page.
Conflicting financial values often reflect deeper issues of trust, control, and differing priorities for the future. Research has found that money arguments are the top predictor of divorce, surpassing arguments about children or in-laws. These conflicts are often more hostile, last longer, and lead to more bitter feelings than other disagreements.
4. You’re not on the same intellectual level
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It's not fun to always have to explain things to someone. Or even worse, when they get bored with your explanations and have no interest in talking about what you want.
When your intellectual capacities don't line up, it's frustrating. Not only can one person become annoyed with the other, but you might have different ideas of fun, beliefs, or viewpoints on critical topics.
This will cause a lot of strain between the two of you. Holding on like nothing is wrong can then become an even bigger issue. If you feel many of your conversations end with you being frustrated or feeling like you didn't get your point across, you might be intellectually incompatible.
5. You won’t admit when you’re wrong
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Being stubborn can happen to anyone and is not a big problem by itself. But if you’re constantly butting heads, this will get very tiring.
Admitting that you're wrong shouldn't feel like a defeat. Being wrong doesn't mean you are lost; it means you're human. You need to know when you’re wrong and say so. You cannot grow from winning an argument on something that you’re not right about.
If you need to prove you're right all the time, that isn't healthy either. Do you want to be right or in a relationship? The two of you need to act as one team — the two of you against the problem. Be happy to admit you're wrong and tell them you messed up.
When you're wrong, this should feel like a joyous occasion when you can tell your partner, "I know I made a mistake, and I want to learn to get better with you. Thank you for helping me grow into a better person."
Sounds cheesy? Yup. Easy to do? Nope. A super effective way to stay in a relationship for many years? Definitely.
When one or both partners are unwilling to admit they are wrong, it becomes difficult to resolve conflicts, leading to a perpetual state of disagreement and a breakdown in constructive communication. While love and attraction are important, research stresses that a relationship's success also depends on shared values and the ability to compromise and grow together.
6. You don’t spend time together
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If you're not spending time together or setting time for date nights, it won't work. You’re going to be with someone, but you'll feel alone.
You shouldn’t feel single when you’re in a relationship. Overcoming the isolated feeling is to block out a chunk of time to have a date night and spend time together.
However, if you still can’t come together to spend time, it's best to part and go your separate ways. It's harsh, but so is being in a relationship that's not working for years and years.
7. Communication is not a crucial factor
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Communication in any relationship should be a determining factor in how you react and deal with one another. If you have a healthy relationship, communication should be thought out and open to allow you to work out issues without fighting or getting too heated.
Studies demonstrate that downplaying the importance of healthy communication can lead to deeper, underlying problems and long-term erosion of intimacy. Poor communication is often a symptom, not the root, of incompatibility.
Communication might be challenging, but having any or some is always an ideal way to have a relationship. Make the most of how you speak with each other, and feel confident about working through issues.
You need to find someone who wants to be compatible with you and who you want to be compatible with. This way, you feel confident and fulfilled in the relationship.
Lana Otoya is a dating coach for strong, successful women based out of Vancouver, BC.
