Men Don’t Really Talk About It, But These 7 Fears Tend To Run Their Inner World
stockfour | Shutterstock When it comes to men and women, there are statistically significant variations in physical averages like height, voice pitch, upper-body strength, the average age of puberty, and psychological variations in average levels of empathy, vulnerability, and risk-taking (among many other things). And really, there’s nothing bad about the differences between men and women. It’s not about better or worse. It just is what it is.
The problem is when we try to project our intuitive logic and emotional maps onto other people to help understand their behavior. This is a necessary part of the beautiful human gift of empathy. But if the other person’s mind works in different ways, this creates a clash between us when we make assumptions or create expectations. So, while men don't really talk about it, these fears run their inner world. If we can better understand the angsts that run men's inner world, we can change how intrepret their behavior and how we connect with them.
Men don’t really talk about it, but these seven fears tend to run their inner world:
1. Fear of being vulnerable
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Most men have worked so long, and so hard, at pushing away our sadness that we often can’t even feel it until it hits the breaking point. The nature of repression is that it happens automatically, far below conscious awareness. It’s something the mind and body have learned to do on their own, and it’s very hard to override.
Men are taught to be strong for each other, or they’ll be ostracized and ridiculed. But we also take it on ten times more to be strong for women. We want to appear unshakable, capable, rugged, durable, and reliable (and no, crying does not negate any of the things on that list. If anything, it only adds to it).
You might have found yourself wondering if your man is a bit numb, shut down, or avoiding his feelings. Or, maybe you were simply confused about his reactions in hurtful or painful moments. This very well might be the case. But know that he’s doing the best he can from inside his emotional conditioning.
Most men report it’s far easier to cry in front of men (after they’ve built initial trust) than it is to a female lover. That’s mostly due to the dynamics I just mentioned. We want to save face and be respected amongst our brothers, but the unconscious pain of being rejected by our partner (aka the psychological imprint of our mother) can be far scarier to confront.
So, we’ll often close up a little more around you. It becomes harder to access and admit to our more vulnerable feelings. On the surface, when a man is bumping up against this block, several things might be happening. He could be acting passive, shut down, or aloof. He could also slip into more active aggression (such as defensiveness or rudeness) as a means of self-protection and avoidance.
Whatever his brand of emotional avoidance tactics that he deploys, it’s likely that his conscious mind isn’t aware of them (at first). It takes time to map the wires, disconnect them, and reconnect the right ones. But if he’s done some work to familiarize himself with his reactions and recognize how his body feels when it’s shutting down emotions, he’ll be able to communicate when he senses this happening. Give him some time for his nervous system to settle, and he’ll be able to share more openly in a matter of minutes or hours.
2. Fear that being attracted to someone else means something's wrong
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This is a common point of contention in monogamous relationships. So much pressure is created when either person pretends that they shouldn’t be attracted to other people anymore. Even the most evolved, loyal man on the planet, who is in a monogamous relationship, will get aroused by other women. He would never cheat or cross any boundaries, but he is still captivated and energized by the feminine in its many forms.
Research on romantic relationships found that almost half of people in committed relationships reported having had at least one crush while in that relationship. Ultimately, having a crush is just a sign that he’s vital and alive. Honestly, I would be suspicious of any man who claims to only be attracted to his one partner. Because chances are he’s simply disconnected from his full self.
This message of “attractions are okay” is, of course, assuming the man is mature, functional, and self-aware. If he is staring at women for longer than a brief moment, or getting lost in his head and engaging in fantasy in his mind during intercourse to the extent that you really feel his lack of presence with you, then by all means, bring it up with him directly and let him know how you feel when this happens. But the healthiest, most centered, and balanced man will have these feelings arise. He’s just able to understand that and keep them well under control.
3. Fear of not being able to mentally shift gears fast enough
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Most men need space and stillness to adjust and be fully present in a new setting. Especially if we’re returning home from a high-stress or high-stimulus environment, like the workplace, it can take at least a few minutes to “arrive” and switch gears to let everything go from the workday. If you crowd him a little too soon, he may give off cold, distant energy. It’s because he subtly feels overwhelmed and intruded upon.
He wants to connect with you; he just needs a little time. After a little reset, he’ll be able to hold space and listen, make conversation, and be more available for physical connection. Some guys will be able to walk in the door and strike up a conversation. But, generally, he’ll appreciate the opportunity to experience a bit of spaciousness up front.
Work-life balance research recommends building in at least a 15-minute transition ritual between work and home to prevent emotional whiplash. If you start experimenting with giving him this buffer when he steps in the door, you will likely begin to notice him approaching you more often, wrapping his arms around you, dishing out kisses, and generally making more bids for attention and connection.
4. Fear of losing his edge
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Not every man knows it, but one of the most important aspects of his life is his mission and purpose. When he’s on his path, he feels a flow of love and worship toward his woman. But when he feels stifled and distracted (even when it’s his own fault), those feelings will flip to resentment and repulsion. He will project his dissatisfaction with his relationship with his work onto you, even when you’ve done nothing to intentionally distract him or sway him from his center.
Without enough time, space, and sufficient heart put into his work, his relationship, and perception of his woman will suffer greatly. Something that hurts the issue here is the false ideas of “rom-com love” we’ve all been brainwashed with. Through media, we’re subtly taught that a romantic relationship and finding your soulmate is the single greatest human achievement. It’s supposed to be the biggest, most dramatic focal point of our entire lives.
But that’s just not the case, especially for men. We love our partners and families deeply. But if our mission is sacrificed for all that, our vitality and happiness will be crippled. Something that I often tell my male clients is that a woman can be their favorite anyone, but not their favorite anything. In other words, if a man makes his woman the center of his universe, this is a one-way ticket to a codependent nightmare, and, as a result, he won’t ever feel grounded in himself (and she will eventually grow to resent his lack of direction outside of their relationship anyway).
Ultimately, a man secretly yearns for a woman who is supportive of his growth and adventure, and who respects the boundaries of his energy. Whether or not he has set any boundaries, he will always love hearing her say something like, “Let me know if you need some alone time to get stuff done. I want to make sure you’re doing what makes you happy. Because, at the end of the day, regardless of gender, we’re all just looking to grow in our lives, alongside each other, in love and harmony, end sermon.
5. Fear of commitment
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It takes a ton of inner work to masterfully manage long-term relationships. This is particularly difficult for men because of their deep inner longing for freedom. Without strong boundaries and a lot of self-awareness, relationships will always feel like a bit of a risky trap, which might hold him back and make him feel constricted, fearing it will ultimately hurt his life.
It’s natural for women to want a bit more connection and quality time than their man does. It’s just the nature of the feminine (as in, the feminine energy in any person, which always prioritizes love and connection).
The way to have him commit to you deeply is to first make sure that he is in touch with his life’s purpose, and then be a person who supports him in his purpose coming true. Once he sees you as a genuine and obvious ally for him stepping into his power, then he will be able to commit to you deeply. He won’t ever want to let you go.
In the beginning stages, don’t rush it. Women’s internal clocks and schedules for escalating commitment are often different from men's. Share your truth and feelings without applying any pressure when you can. The best way to start is by making your interest known, but ultimately, it’s generally best if you let him choose you and “make it official.”
If he’s in touch with himself and his masculinity, he will be able to. But if he’s obviously taking too long and not reciprocating mutual respect, affection, care, or meeting reasonable needs, then he’s not maturely able to choose a woman at this time in his life (which says nothing about you and your lovability).
As things progress, maintain time in your relationship where you’re apart. Both men and women need to embrace the fact that time apart and travel apart are incredibly healthy for them. Observe any insecurities and anxiety that might come up around this, or have you question the premise, or worry that it would lead to cheating.
Because in good relationships, when we’ve done our healing work, the total opposite is true. The man will have so much gratitude and be replenished by space and alone time that he will value the relationship even more and show up as the greatest partner he could be.
6. Fear of being overwhelmed
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Feminine energy can be all-consuming to a man who isn’t grounded in his masculine core. Being in a relationship can actually feel like he’s being swallowed whole. Men want to please you (though, perhaps, too much). We want your warmth. We want your love. You bring such beauty and lightness to our lives. And we need that connection. But that’s why we might ultimately fear relationship commitment: because we have experienced our own tendencies to defer to you and lose ourselves in the relationship.
We can easily let our desire to please you overwhelm our own truth, needs, and desires. In the field of a woman we’re drawn to, we’re prone to losing our sense of center and direction. We also might hold back our edge and stop being as fully self-expressed as we would normally be.
This is a common trait among men from younger generations because we’ve been taught it’s not okay to have edgier, more assertive personalities. And it’s definitely not okay to bring that energy to women (even though it’s what you deeply want from us.) Over time, these little compromises and withholds will stack up and do one of two things. It will either create a repelling force away from the woman because he can’t handle it, or it will cause him to energetically shrivel up and shut down, and have him sitting on the sidelines in his life.
In his mind, it can start looking like the woman is the reason why he doesn’t feel powerful and free. And if he’s submitting himself to a woman who is legitimately a bit overbearing and manipulative, then yes, that might be a factor. But it’s usually the man’s own behavior and relationship patterns that are the cause. To be clear, I’m not giving you an excuse to put him down. I’m giving you an awareness to work with to support him.
Recognize your immensity in his life. If you don’t account for it and simply run your relationship with default routines and behaviors, you’ll end up with a less powerful partner and overall connection than you could potentially have. Research on gender traits reveals that the healthiest relationships naturally integrate both masculine and feminine energies, with partners feeling most fulfilled when they can honor both aspects instead of focusing on one.
Give him space, encourage him to be fully expressed, honest, and powerful; encourage him to connect with the other men in his life, and support him in his purpose.
7. Fear that he's not strong enough
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If a man has not spent time integrating his relationship with his masculinity, he will not fully be able to be with you without projecting his fears and shadow onto you. Only a man who has done his work of transitioning from boy to man will be able to handle a woman in her full power.
To be with a powerful, fully expressed woman, a man needs to be able to stand tall and use his voice. He needs to be in touch with his fluctuating needs and his life’s mission and be strong enough in his masculine core to speak up and honor them.
Sometimes, this self-expression will inevitably lead to conflict or a clash of desires. And he has to be able to handle the temporary discomfort of communicating through these moments to resolve.
At the same time, you have to be comfortable with these moments as well and know that they’re bringing you both further into your highest selves. One of the biggest patterns we’re seeing in young men today is that they’re struggling with “dropout” energy. They’re lagging well behind women in academics. They’re unsure of their place in society. They’re allegiant to women and supportive of their empowerment, but (for some men) dysfunctionally so — at the expense of their own sense of happiness.
The average man today is less in his true masculine power, but the tides are turning. Movements are happening. With some major cultural shifts in hindsight, we’re able to see more clearly how those effects and our responses to them aren’t serving us and beginning to connect with what does.
If you could take away two practical, fundamental, and actionable lessons about men from this entire piece, it would be that they need space and support in their life’s work. If you’re able to support him in getting these needs met, you’ll watch him transform before your eyes and be more committed to you than he’s ever been to any woman in his entire life.
Jordan Gray is a five-time Amazon best-selling author, public speaker, and relationship coach with more than a decade of practice. His work has been featured in The New York Times, BBC, Forbes, The Huffington Post, Women's Health, and The Good Men Project, among countless others.
