3 Subtle Things You Might Be Doing (That Keep Him From Falling In Love With You)
Here's why he can't love you yet.
Jacob Lund | Canva Falling in love with your new partner and seeing the signs your man is falling in love with you is one of the best parts of any relationship. But while you're wondering how to get a guy to like you — and may already be head-over-heels in love with him, too — you could be doing some things that will actually drive him straight out of your arms without even knowing it, which can feel scary.
When you love someone, it's easy to forget some of the little things they do that might irritate you or frustrate you; but at the beginning of a relationship —when you're trying to figure out how to make a guy like you — it's a bit different because you're not in love yet, you're at the falling in love stage. So how does a man act when he's falling in love — and are you guilty of the big behaviors that stop him from being able to love you?
Bonnie Raitt once sang, “I can’t make him love me, if he don’t.” But Bonnie Raitt probably didn’t look on the internet for relationship articles. Does this mean you’ll learn how to make him fall in love with you by diving into a quick, five-minute read? Does this mean that all your frustrations with romance and dating are about to melt away? Should you go ahead and register at Bed, Bath, and Beyond just in case? Probably not.
But it does mean that understanding what men think and how men think increases the odds that you can make him love you the way you deserve. Now, as a caveat, women aren’t responsible for single-handedly making "happily ever after" a reality. The point of this article is not to blame or shame the female gender; rather, the idea is to empower women to become conscious of the things they might not know they’re doing. Things that scare men and drive them away. Things that stand in the path and muddy the waters of an intimate, long-lasting bond. Things that made registering at Bed, Bath, and Beyond a giant waste of your time. So, let’s jump in and explore three blocks that may be blocking you from finding your soulmate.
Here are 3 subtle things you might be doing that keep him from falling in love with you:
1. You don't support his autonomy
Autonomy is defined as, “the capacity to decide for oneself and pursue a course of action in one’s life.” This is important to remember because, before you get into a relationship with a guy, he has a life. He had hobbies. He had friends. He had the freedom to work late or golf on Saturdays. He had opinions on how to arrange things or how to clean his house. And he still has all of those.
When he needs alone time or space, that is a reflection of him, not you. He's setting a boundary congruent with his comfort level (and you should be setting one, too). He needs space because he needs autonomy — you didn’t do anything wrong! Forgetting that can sometimes send a woman into a panic mode and she acts accordingly, often in a manner that involves pressure, criticism, a need for control, and the inevitable label of being “high maintenance.” The best relationships have both ideals: Autonomy and the ability to be present and consistent with the one you love.
2. You're constantly competing with him
What does it mean to be in competition with your partner? It can show up as one partner needing to be as intelligent as the other, as good-looking, as high-earning, as good at sports, as popular in peer groups, etc. This dynamic doesn’t work in a relationship; period. It creates a win-lose scenario because it pits you guys against one another. In a solid, healthy relationship, partners are on the same team. They understand that they bring unique strengths and talents into the partnership. They understand that where one person shines, the other may not, but they’ll shine bright in another area. Doing the opposite — and keeping track of who’s better, who’s worse, who’s higher, who’s lower — is exhausting. And this kind of competition only sends your union sprinting toward the finish line.
3. You're too low-maintenance
Surprise! You probably didn’t see that one coming. Yep, being too low maintenance can work against you. This happens when you aren’t honoring yourself or staying true to your values and needs. You are in “go with the flow” mode because you think it’ll make you more attractive to your guy. Women often do this because they think men want a relationship that's easy-going and hassle-free (and, in fairness, some women are just naturally laid back).
But this works against a relationship because it gives off the impression that you aren't as invested or communicative, and this compromises his ability to trust you. Someone with no needs and no opinions is not real. It’s also not inspiring. Someone who fails to stick to their own values and wishes can’t inspire a man to do the same. The key, then, is finding the right amount of maintenance. Not too high. Not too low. Everything is in moderation.
Clayton Olson is an International Relationship Coach, Master NLP Practitioner, and Facilitator specializing in dating, empowering men and women, self-esteem, and life transitions. He has 20 years of experience working to optimize human behavior and relational dynamics.